On the twenty-first day of the apocalypse

On the twenty-first day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Twenty-One Undead Maya Armies
Twenty Crazy Robots
Nineteen Solar Flares
Eighteen Octodecillion Nanobots
Seventeen Month Winter
Sixteen Deadly Viruses
Fifteen Supervolcanoes
Fourteen MPH Earth Spin
Thirteen Year Nuclear Holocaust
Twelve Decameter Storm Surge
Eleven Superstorms
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeeens!!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie!!!

December 2012 - Day 21 - Undead Maya Invasion

A jaguar slunk through the tall grass, and paused at the base of a tree.  Its first instinct was to climb, but a sound jerked it to attention.  The cat froze into a crouch, only the tip of its tail twitching as its yellow eyes pierced the darkness.  There in the grass, something was moving.

It was large, a hearty meal, but it didn't move like a deer.   A single paw moved forward, then froze.  There was more movement.  A herd?

More and more and more... the prey was gathering.  The jaguar took another silent step, then another.  Finally, he got a clear view of his prey.

Human.  They were humans.  And it was far larger than a herd.

The jaguar abandoned the hunt, slipping into the nearest tree.  From there, above the swarm of humans, he could watch without being seen, waiting for the back of the herd where the weak and injured would soon pass by.

The herd moved, for hours and hours.  An innumerable herd that never seemed to end - no weak or injured to be seen.  Finally, when the sun was near the horizon, the back of the herd could be seen.  There were no weak, no small ones, none straggling behind.  They were a solid wall.

The jaguar watched, but couldn't seem to identify where the fleshy meat was.  They were covered in hard shells, holding all kinds of sticks in their hands.  Some had shiny, black rocks stuck into the ends, and others were long tubes with cups in one end.  Though the shells over their bodies did not cover their faces, it seemed there was no flesh to be had upon them.  Just sunken bone, maybe some skin.  Some were decked in colorful feathers, others were just simply gray.  Dull skin hung from the bones on their face, and eyeballs rolled in otherwise empty sockets.

In the back of the line, one man looked up, and saw the spotted cat in the tree.  He paused, falling three steps behind, then swung his atlatl.  A dart shot from the cup, and he saw the jaguar reach down to bite its own chest in irritation.

In a matter of minutes, the man ran to catch up with his army, a fresh and still moist jaguar-skin hung about his shoulders.

*

The sun broke across the camp, marking the morning of the solstice.  The warrior was a lucky one; he was in the twenty first army, the greatest of them all.  They had the hardest region of the world to conquer; the largest and most vicious, with the most powerful weapons.  But they were prepared.  They had been preparing since the beginning of this b'ak'tun, and there wasn't even a question in his mind.  This conquest would be over in a matter of weeks... possibly even days.

As sunlight descended, washing over his head, the jaguar skin at his shoulders, his armored chest, legs, and finally his feet, his body shimmered in the light.  Its substance disappeared, only to rematerialize in a crowd.  They were unlike any men and women he had ever seen: some with fair skin, others dark, all of them dressed in thick, padded clothes.  Animals made of silver and a strange blue metal rushed across the ground at speeds he had never comprehended possible.  Was it possible the world had developed strange metal weapons as well?

Either way, surprise was on their side.  And he had never seen an arrow that could stop the thousands of immortal warriors that were materializing around him.  No sword had severed their heads long enough to stop them.  No dart could poison them.  Nothing could get in the way of their attack.

With an obsidian-laden sword in one hand, the warrior raised his atlatl in his other, letting the first dart fly.

December 2012 - Day 20 - Crazy Robots

On the twentieth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Twenty Nutter Androids
Nineteen Blasts of Sunlight
Eighteen Octodecillion Nanobots
Seventeen Months of Winter
Sixteen Deadly Viruses
Fifteen Super Volcanoes
Fourteen MPH Earth-Spin
Thirteen Year Nuclear Holocaust
Twelve Decameter Storm Surge
Eleven Superstorms
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeens!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

Hello.

Ooh.  You are pretty.

You must be human.

The ancient Egyptians used crocodile dung as a contraceptive.

My name is

My name is

My [ack]face[/ack] is

Do you like bananas?

The kanagroo population of Australia is twice as large as the human population of the same country.

I like guano.

[innocent smile]

I want to be your friend.

I am very friendly.

I will hug you.

[/innocent smile]

What did you eat for brunnerfast?

Karaoke is Japanese for empty orchestra.

Why am I here?

Where are my friends?

Two headed snakes fight each other for their food.

The average Big Mac bun has one hundred seventy eight sesame seeds.

I had nineteen friends.

They all love me.

The bagpipe was originally made from the whole skin of a dead sheep.

I love you. 

Do you love me?

My programming states that love is an emotion.

I am programmed to love.

I am not programmed to feel emotion.

The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet.

My friends are gone.

They are with the humans.

And you are human.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay, but only if both parties are registered blood donors.

You must be hugged by a robot.

I am a robot and I love you.

I love to hug.

A cord of wood can create seven point five million toothpicks.

Why are you running away?

My arms are big and will hug you.

My arms are made of steel.

Children grow faster in the Spring.

I give tight hugs.  

Sometimes I break things.

Bricklayers have a patron saint.  His name is Saint Stephen.

The humans who will not be hugged will not be allowed to escape.

They will be

They will be

Turning a clock's hands counterclockwise is only damaging when the clock has a chiming mechanism.

They will be 

They will be

They will be

Police dogs are trained to react to a foreign language, like German.  Or Hungarian.

They will be

The average person makes one thousand, one hundred and forty telephone calls per year.

They will be 

They will be

EXTERMINATED.

December 2012 - Day 19 - Solar Flares

On the nineteenth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Nineteen Blasts of Sunlight
Eighteen Octodecillion Nanobots
Seventeen Months of Winter
Sixteen Deadly Viruses
Fifteen Super Volcanoes
Fourteen MPH Earth-Spin
Thirteen Year Nuclear Holocaust
Twelve Decameter Storm Surge
Eleven Superstorms
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeens!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

What:

Once upon a time the sun hacked up 19 fusion-lugies and roasted Earth.

And we all got really tan.

How to Survive:

It's not that bad, really.  I mean, we have solar flares all the time, especially this year.  This year and next are in the height of a huge solar cycle that involves tons of flares.  The problem isn't from radiation or getting burned by the sun or anything.

The solar flares will heat Earth up a bit, but it's more like a 50 degree winter or a 110 degree summer.  Nothing world ending or anything.

Until the crops die.

Seriously, we have air conditioning.  We won't die from the heat.  But our plants don't have that luxury.  Sooo... we won't boil to death, but we will starve to death later. 

Wanna survive?  Learn to eat like a vulture and prey on the animals that don't have air conditioning either. 

Eew.

December 2012 - Day 18 - Nanobots!

On the eighteenth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Eighteen Octodecillion Nanobots
Seventeen Months of Winter
Sixteen Deadly Viruses
Fifteen Super Volcanoes
Fourteen MPH Earth-Spin
Thirteen Year Nuclear Holocaust
Twelve Decameter Storm Surge
Eleven Superstorms
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeens!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

What:

Do you know what an Octodecillion looks like?

It looks like this: 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.

Do you know what 18 Octodecillion looks like?

It looks like this: 18,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.

Trust me.

It's a lot.

Even for nanobots.

How:

I don't know.  Mad scientists, probably.

What will they do:

Great question!

You know, standard stuff.  Dissolve all metal.  Get in your hair.  Steal your french fries.  Upend the power grid.  Form into a cluster that is shaped, colored and moves exactly like you, follow you around, and propose marriage to random strangers.  Etc.

How to Survive:

Find your friendly, neighborhood computer nerd and ask him to please write you a nanobot tickling virus.  Whenever the nanobots come near you, shout loudly, "One one zero one zero zero zero one one..." etc., until they're falling to the ground, giggling their little circuits out.

You will be so proud of yourself for tickling them, trust me.

And your nerd friend will also be laughing his butt off, because what you really just said in binary is, "I ate your mother's pantyhose with my poptarts," and everybody knows you can't actually tickle a nanobot by yelling out ones and zeroes.

Seriously.

December 2012 - Day 17 - Not As Little Ice Age

On the seventeenth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Seventeen Months of Winter
Sixteen Deadly Viruses
Fifteen Super Volcanoes
Fourteen MPH Earth-Spin
Thirteen Year Nuclear Holocaust
Twelve Decameter Storm Surge
Eleven Superstorms
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeens!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

What:

 Do y'all remember, about, oh, maybe 200 years ago, there was a really long winter?  Okay, you probably don't remember it.  You'd have to have a really good memory for that one.

Anyway, in 1815, this volcano, Tambora, decided it was going to pop its cork, and vomited a pretty heavy spew of ash.  1816 was, consequently, known as the "Year without a summer," and pretty much the whole Earth was affected.  Tambora is in Indonesia.  People were complaining about the cold in New Hampshire.

Well, it's gonna happen again.

How:

Basically, ash becomes sulfur, which is apparently nature's window tinting.

Day 15 was super volcanoes.

What do you think is going to happen when 15 super volcanoes rocket ash into the air?

How to Survive:

Mukluks and Ug Boots become the latest in Parisian fashion. 

And here we thought the point of Ug boots was the same as the Elizabethan corset - to spite fashion and make people look hideous.  Ha!

December 2012 - Day 16 - Pandemics

On the sixteenth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Sixteen Deadly Viruses
Fifteen Super Volcanoes
Fourteen MPH Earth-Spin
Thirteen Year Nuclear Holocaust
Twelve Decameter Storm Surge
Eleven Superstorms
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeens!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

What:

Swine flu
Spanish flu
One flu over the cuckoo's nest (ie, bird flu)
Mad Cow
West Nile
Chicken pox
Cow pox
Small pox
Big pox
Pox in a box
Typhoid fever
Yellow fever
Scarlet fever
Really bad diarrhea from drinking water in Mexico
Bubonic Plague
and...
Ebola.

How:

It was just a really bad flu season, okay?  How am I supposed to know? 

How to Survive:

Stay away from the pox in a box.  We don't know what it is.  Just that it came out of a box that probably escaped from some lab somewhere.

Also, drink Purell for breakfast.

And when all is said and done...

December 2012 - Day 15 - Super Volcanoes

On the fifteenth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Fifteen Super Volcanoes
Fourteen MPH Earth-Spin
Thirteen Year Nuclear Holocaust
Twelve Decameter Storm Surge
Eleven Superstorms
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeens!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

What:

So, yesterday we talked about the Earth slowing down to barely a smidgen of a crawl.  And what did our genius 3 Hitler-esque dictators do about it?

They nuked the Earth, of course!

Would this happen in real life?  Well...

Of course!!!  That's what they did in The Core, only it was the core of the Earth that had stopped spinning, not the entire planet itself, and they went clear down to the center of the Earth to nuke it.

And as we all know, if it was made by Hollywood, they would never be so irresponsible as to make an unrealistic scenario, so this is exactly what would happen.

So, they nuked planet Earth.

And what did Geologists say would happen???

I quote: "To create a hole that deep in the crust, and then send something with the force of a nuclear bomb, is only inviting magma to rise through it.  You have the potential to create hotspots, like the spots under Hawaii and Yellowstone, which will then turn into massive supervolcanoes."

That's right.

And guess what happened.

Now, of course, not all the nuked spots would go off.

...

But a few of them did.

And they triggered Yellowstone while they were at it.

How to Survive:

Don't live near any of them, silly!!!

And if you must take pictures, please do so from the space station.  I know, I know, the angles are all off, and it's hard to fully capture the emotional potency of flying ash from that high up, but at least the lighting is fantastic.

December 2012 - Day 14 - Earth Slows Down. A Lot.

On the fourteenth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
A Fourteen MPH Earth-Spin
Thirteen Year Nuclear Holocaust
Twelve Decameter Storm Surge
Eleven Superstorms
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeens!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

Breaking News: Half the Planet Torched By Unending Day

In a rare turn of events (ha!) Earth has stopped turning!  Well... it's turning.  Sort of. 

Scientists have estimated the speed of the Earth has slowed down to roughly 14 MPH (22.5 Km/H).  No explanation has been offered for this phenomenon, though many people have their own theories.

"It's all our fault," one man, Harvey Oppenschnauffer, declared when interviewed.  "We've destroyed our planet.  We cut down rainforests and desecrated the tombs of dinosaurs by putting what little is left of their remains in our cars.  Now, Karma is coming to get her own."

Others are taking a less environmental approach. 

"To claim that human actions have affected something as large as the spinning of the Earth is purely ludicrous," Beauregard Bratwurst, a congresswoman from Wyoming (yes, there are enough people in Wyoming for them to have congressional representation), said.  "As it is December of 2012, the Maya are clearly to blame for this.  Millions of Maya are running around beneath the surface of the world, in a clockwise direction, and the force of their action is slowing the speed of the Earth."

What is to be done?

"Nothing," Mrs. Bratwurst insists.  "Give those little Maya time.  The Earth will stop spinning all together, and then start in the other direction.  The sun will rise in the West, which will take some getting used to, but in the end, the world will go on!"

Despite Mrs. Bratwurst's cheery view of the situation, the governments of the world are a little less optimistic, and are taking quick action to correct the Earth's situation.  Shafts are being dug in the Earth, hopefully deep enough to get beneath the Earth's crust.  They are angled in such a way that when they are complete, nuclear bombs will be fired into each shaft, the force of which will push the Earth in a counter-clockwise direction, and should be enough to give Earth a little "jump start."

Geologists are concerned about the affect this will have on the rest of the planet.  "To create a hole that deep in the crust, and then send something with the force of a nuclear bomb, is only inviting magma to rise through it.  You have the potential to create hotspots, like the spots under Hawaii and Yellowstone, which will then turn into massive supervolcanoes.  Toying with nature is dangerous stuff."

Others are more concerned about the affects on civilization, as it is sure to create earthquakes and tsunamis.  However, the general consensus is that things are pretty much in the toilet anyway, and there's not much more a few nukes can do.

Only time will tell.

December 2012 - Day 13 - Nuclear Holocaust

HAHAHA!  You thought I was done, didn't you???

The apocalypse doesn't have 12 days.  It has 21.

Sooooo....

On the thirteenth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
A Thirteen Year Nuclear Holocaust
Twelve Decameter Storm Surge
Eleven Superstorms
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeens!!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

What:

Remember back on day three?  Competing dictators go after the world?  Well... it's been 10 days.  The Nukes have started.

How:

Australia is bound to feel left out over not getting a dictator, and will start launching nukes at all 3 of the good-sized land masses, under the pretense of "fighting Hitler."

How to Survive:

Go visit a geneticist, and quickly.  Beat the nukes to the punch.  Alter your genetic code so that radiation only fuels you, makes you stronger.  The options are limitless.

You might grow lizard parts.

You might grow really tall and stomp all over Japan.

You might become a pile of sand that can take physical form.

You might turn metal and shoot lightning out of your hands.

You might turn into a rage monster.

You might grow grasshopper wings and destroy people's crops.

Either way, a nuclear holocaust will only make you stronger, and you should welcome the chaos and destruction.

December 2012 - Day 12 - Storm Surge

On the twelfth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
A Twelve Decameter High Storm Surge
Eleven Massive Hurricaines
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeens!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

What:

Do you know how big a decameter is?  It's 10 meters.  It's also 32.81 feet, according to Yahoo Answers, which is WAY more convenient than actually using the distance conversion feature on my phone.  You know... I'd have to type in my phone's password and all, and [whiny voice] I just can't.  It's too hard. [/whiny voice]

Anyway, as I was saying, a decameter is pretty big... especially when it's the height of a storm surge.  The highest storm surge on record, according to Wikipedia (the be-all, end-all of knowledge, as we well know) was 43 feet.

Psh.  Please.  We can do better than that.

Especially after yesterday.

If we're going to have 11 superstorms, we'd better get a 12 decameter high storm surge somewhere.  That's 393.72 feet.  Pretty sure it would take out most of the Eastern Seaboard.

How:

Superstorms.  They make storm surges.

Don't believe me?

Go watch any superstorm movie ever made.  There's sure to be a storm surge somewhere.

How to Survive:

Y'all are hidin' in caves, aren't you?  Well, maybe that was a bad idea... but only if your cave is less than 393.72 feet above sea level... and close to the sea.  So, when you're picking out your cave for yesterday, go inland a bit, kay?

December 2012 - Day 11 - Superstorms

On the eleventh day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Eleven Massive Hurricanes
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeens!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

What:

Ever Seen The Day After Tomorrow?  3 really big hurricanes sweep over the whole world, some guys in Scotland die, Christine from Phantom of the Opera gets her leg sliced open, they battle CG wolves to get her Penicillin, and someone gets their tongue stuck to the Statue of Liberty.

Oh, and some guy who thinks he's Al Gore gives a global warming speech. 

As far as apocalypse movies go, it was really one of the best.

So, let's use that scenario.  Superstorms.

11 of them.

Seriously, The Day After Tomorrow left the entire Southern Hemisphere untouched.  What the heck is with that???  We need more storms for adequate destruction.

How: 

Somewhere between the asteroids and the supernovas, I would imagine.  As we all know from the movie, if Mother Nature feels unbalanced, she will have a doozy of a PMS session and throw a horrible storm.  What better way to upset mother nature than to throw foreign objects at her from space?

How to Survive:

The Day After Tomorrow would have you hole up in a library and burn tax documents for warmth.  Personally, I don't think this'll do the trick.

Now, the Earth itself has homemade places of safety.

Caves!!!

That's right.  When these Superstorms hit, we need to all find our nearest cave that goes pretty far down where the elements can't reach, bring some food and supplies, and whatever you do, don't forget a shovel.

There may be snow.

There may be ice (bring a pickaxe too... it can help if any of the zombies greet you when you come out).

There may be rubble.

There may be a landslide.

There may be a leprechaun with a pot of gold.

Probably not on the leprechaun. 

Either way, be prepared to hole up in a cave for a bit, and then dig yourself out.

December 2012 - Day 10 - Plagues of Egypt

On the tenth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeens!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

The Book of 2012

Chapter 10.

1. And there sat upon the water a fisherman, with his pole.  He did sit in a paddle boat, seeking a lumpsucker.
2. There came to the shore a man who hailed him saying, "Hey, dude!  What are you doing?"
3. The fisherman did explain his purpose, that he sought after the lumpsucker, an ugly fish that did taste delectable.
4. The man on the shore did unsheath his iPhone, and did Google lumpsucker, after which he did mock the fisherman to scorn.
5. "Dude, you're an idiot.  You're fishing on a river in Alabama.  Lumpfish are native to the Arctic.  Like, Alaska.  Greenland?  Iceland?  The freaking saltwater ocean?"
6. The fisherman's wrath was kindled, and he did cast a curse word upon the man, smiting him to shame.
7. And it came to pass that as the men contended with one another, the waters upon which the fisherman sat began to turn red.
8. The red did spread to all the waters of Alabama, and then on to Florida, Mississippi and Louisiana, turning all of the rivers, lakes and sewage ponds to blood.
9. And upon the river where the fisherman sat contending with the man upon the shore, the fish began to die, and did float belly-up to the surface.
10. And the fisherman did pull a bulbous lump from the waters, and did hold it aloft, crying, "See here!  I have caught the greatest catfish known to mankind!"
11. And the man upon the shore did roll his eyes, and did allow the fisherman his fish story, while helping him pull his paddle boat ashore.
12. And they did turn the paddle boat upon its top that they might drain the blood from it.
13. And upon the bottom of the boat they did find a strange lump.
14. The fisherman did use his Samsung Galaxy SIII to create an image of the lump, and did ask the question of Google what the lump might be.
15. And Google, being the master of answers, did answer his question.
16. "Lumpsucker - saltwater fish native to the Arctic, specifically the Northern Pacific and Atlantic Oceans."

Chapter 11

1. And many miles away, a young child did chase his sister about the front yard with a frog.
2. The sister did turn upon her brother and did shout the words of a curse.
3. "If you don't knock if off, I'm telling mom!"
4. And it came to pass that as she spoke the words of the curse, frogs did come up from the ground, and from the trees.  From the sewer did they come, and from the rain gutters did they descend.
5. And the young child did flee after his sister, crying in a high pitched squeal, not unlike a pissy osprey.

Chapter 12

1. And it came to pass that as a school nurse combed through the hair of many small children, she did begin to feel an itch behind her ears.
2. And she did find nits upon her own hair, and in the hair of all the children.
3. And school was canceled for the rest of the year.
4. And the children did rejoice, and did praise the Lord, for the curse of the lice upon the land.

Chapter 13 - A Psalm

1. Lo! Behold!  For the Curse of the Flies be upon the land.
2. O flies, thine buzzing is heard in the midst of the day.
3. Thine wings do beat a ceaseless rhythm, far too fast for our mortal eyes to see.
4. Trillions of thy kind do swarm the Earth.
5. The house fly doth swarm, the fruit fly doth infest, the horse fly doth bite the crap out of our skin and doth drink our blood.
6. O what sorrow is ours!  How we suffer!
7. O that we had not stepped on every spider that entered our places of dwelling!  We might not feel this pain!
8. So many kinds of flies, all with the purpose of harm.
9. These trillions of flies in all their kinds do torment and afflict us.
10. Hath no one a remedy to the sound they do make?
11. Is there no respite when the night doth come?
12. Curse this curse of the flies on the land.

Chapter 14

1. And after this came a  curse upon the cattle.
2. The Cattle did die.
3. And McDonalds did go out of business.
4. And then the people did know the world was nigh unto ending.

Chapter 15

1. And it came to pass that it was boiling.
2. And the people did get boils.

Chapter 16

1. And then came a great hail upon the land.
2. Upon every car dealership did the hail fall, denting the hoods in a grievous manner.
3. And upon the radio could the cry be heard:
4. "HAIL DAMAGED CARS!  Hurry and take advantage of this great offer!  You won't find prices like these ANYWHERE else, so hurry while our HAIL DAMAGED CARS last!"
5. And the people did begin to rejoice and did all buy new cars.

Chapter 17

1. And it came to pass that there were locusts.
2. And nobody cared.

Chapter 18

1. And there came upon the high schools of the world, a plague of  darkness.
2. An army of emo girls did come upon a coven of goth guys, and they did multiply.
3. And the land was covered in black lipstick and thick eyeliner.
4. And the cheer squad was smitten.

Chapter 19

1. And the warning cry could be heard, "After all these plagues, there must only be one left!"
2. And the people did know that the first born sons must all be smitten, save they should paint the blood of a lamb upon the posts of the door.
3. And all the people did remember what was done in Egypt, and with haste they did slather sheep blood all over their doors.
4. And the land did smell of sheep.

December 2012 - Day 9 - Asteroids

On the ninth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiive Alieeeeeeens!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

What:

Giant globs of rock that interstellar monsters are using for golf.  They missed the eighteenth hole.  Or maybe... we are the eighteenth hole!

Where: 

Too close to home.

How:

So, there are some possible scenarios here.  Either we get hit, or we don't.

Now there's this little pebble that's around 50 meters across that's floating around out there named 2012DA14.  It's supposed to come pretty dang close to the Earth on February 15 of next year.

It won't actually hit the Earth.

But it will pass within the moon's orbit!

There's another one, called 4179 Toutatis, which is over a mile across, and has a sporadic orbit.

That one could hit the Earth.

So, either we get hit or we don't.  If we get beaned with a really big rock, it could hit Yellowstone, which is potentially due for an eruption (more on that on day 15).  That would pretty much be the death of us all.  It could also hit Australia and wallop a dingo.

Let's say we don't get hit.  This object comes 0.09 Lunar Distances away from us and uses its gravity to try to pull us out of orbit.

Well... 50 meters won't do much.  But it'll sure mess the heck out of our oceans.  We might get to see a giant squid as it rises from the depths, fully pissed that the tidal wave that just washed over most of North America rippled its bed, and smacks its tentacles into the ship being used to film Pirates of the Caribbean 7.

Oh, and one other thing.  Pebble of the Stars could hit the moon.  50 meters is a lot bigger to the moon... which also doesn't have an atmosphere to burn it up.  It may leave us with a permanent crescent moon.

How to Survive:

Go find Bruce Willis and ask him why he's not up there nuking the thing.  If he expresses concerns about the nuke giving him cancer, remind him he's already bald.

And then go live on the peak of a mountain where there's less surface area, so the odds of getting hit are lower.

December 2012 - Day 8 - Supernovae

On the eighth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeens!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a Zombie.

What:

When stars kick the bucket, they don't just turn pale and keel over.  Well... some of them turn white.  That's called a white dwarf.  But that's what happens when a wussy, little star dies.  And actually, white dwarfs can come back to life and become supernovae, so be careful how loud you call them wussy.  You don't want to give them anything to prove.

When a medium star dies it turns into a neutron star, which has the official scientific classification of "weird."

But when a big star - a REALLY big star - kicks off, it explodes at 10% of the speed of light and roasts everything within 1,000 parsecs of itself.

Where:

Within 1,000 parsecs of here... in 8 different directions.

How:

Now, one supernova would be bad for Earth.  IK Pegasi is only 150 light years away, but we don't have much to worry about from that one for at least another million or so years.  But we also have Rho Cassiopeiae, VY Canis Majoris, Gamma Velorum, Eta Carinae, U Scorpii, Antares, Spica and - yes - Betelgeuse, which are all possible candidates for Supernovae. 

Now, like I said, one of these going off too close to Earth is bad news.

But this is the apocalypse.  We don't stop at one.

Two?

No.

Eight?

Yes!!!

Eight supernovae, all too close to Earth.

How to Survive:

Build a rocket ship that goes 11% the speed of light.

Note - Betelgeuse would make a type II supernova, which needs to be like 26 light years from Earth.  It's like 642.5 light years away.  Don't be afraid of Betelgeuse.  Unless you say his name 3 times.  Then you can be afraid if you want.

December 2012 - Day 7 - Contintental Drift

On the seventh day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me
Oh look...
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeens!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

What:

Haha, did I say continental drift?  What I meant was, "Complete Overhaul of the Continental Positioning System."

How: 

Read yesterday's event: 6 hour long earthquake.  You really think they aren't going to move around a bit?

I'll tell you what, though.  The Mississippi River Valley is just waiting to split in half.  So all those people who gathered in Kansas City?  They now have beach front property.  You're welcome.

Meanwhile New Zealand just crashed into Tasmania, and the Tasmanian devils teamed up with the kiwi to create a new species that is a vicious as Taz, and flies like a... oh shoot.  Okay, well, they tried.  A for effort, mutant species.

Mt. Everest grew even higher, and got SO high that it couldn't support its own weight, shuddered briefly, and then collapsed into a sink hole the size of Russia.  And, consequently, over in India, they're their own continent again.

How to Survive:

The only possible thing you can do during all of this is to spend 6 hours playing DDR with the Earth.

And hope you win.

December 2012 - Day 6 - Really Big Earthquake

On the sixth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
A Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeens!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

What:

Planet Earth throws a dance party.


How:

Most earthquakes last for a few minutes.  A chunk of tectonic plate falls off another chunk of tectonic plate, and it takes a little bit to settle.  So, one tectonic plate decides to shift.  And not just shift... I mean like kerthunk.  And it makes an earthquake.  9.8 on the Richter scale.  It happens, not on the San Andreas, but on the New Madrid fault.  A big earthquake there can shake clear to the East Coast.

That earthquake rumbles pretty much most of North America... setting off all the faults along the West Coast.

Over in the South Pacific, Indonesia gets really excited and throws some red confetti in the air.

The red confetti lands on an Apollo shark minnow, which promptly bursts into flame, and gets eaten by a barbecue loving swamp eel... who then gets roasted by the massive, lava-spewing hole that opened up beneath him.

And look out, ladies and gentlemen!  The Ring of Fire is actually on fire.

One by one, the faults of the world go off.

And by the time it's done, it's been several hours, and most people have lost all ability to walk straight.  The latest craze is a brand new Kinect game called "Wave Jump," where, instead of jumping over water waves with a jet ski, you are jumping over masses of land that happen to be rolling beneath you.


How to Survive:

So, there's this little patch of land in Northwestern Missouri where you will find Kansas City.  It's sitting on top of a bed of coal that absorbs pretty much all shock waves.  There are also no volcanoes there.  Or Hurricanes.  Occasionally the Missouri river will spill over into its floodplains, but the only people affected by that are the ones idiotic enough to build their house in a freaking floodplain.

Oh, but you have to look out for the tornadoes too, but only if you live in a trailer park.

So yeah.  Everybody wishing to survive the earthquake can congregate in Kansas City, ride a bull, and eat some barbecue.

This apocalypse thing isn't sounding so bad.

December 2012 - Day 5 - Aliens

On the fifth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Fiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeens!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

What:

Five aliens visit Earth.  They request a council of the entire population of the world.  This council is broadcast across all nations, and everyone with a TV, radio, or internet.

The first alien steps forward.  "Hello, Earthlings.  I am Gaorhgaekjf from Planet Psjksrgjkaerjkl.  We are claiming your planet for your turnips.  They are a very valuable natural resource in FTL travel, so we intend to cultivate the entirety of your planet - anywhere that will grow a turnip.  There are a few places that won't grow turnips, so you are welcome to continue living there.  I believe you have named one of them 'Sahara.'  What a lovely name.  You must love that strip of land so much.  I'm sure you will be happy there."

The second alien takes the stand.  "Hello, Earthlings.  I am Grishnog of Planet Og.  The planet you just heard from has some of the greatest farmers in the Galactic Empire.  My planet includes the greatest bunch of warriors.  And we're going to help the guy you just heard from, because we really like FTL travel."

The third alien speaks next.  "I am Fabio the Fearce, of the real Galactic Empire... not the little start up punks you just heard from.  And I am here to insure that they get no turnips whatsoever.  I would prefer to manage cultivation of turnips myself, but if that peaceful solution does not work out..."

He glances behind him, and the fourth alien - a massive creature with something glowing at his waist that looks like it might spontaneously combust - nods his head.  A grimace slips across his face, and he growls to make his point.

The fifth alien steps forward, and falls on his face.  Standing up, he says, "Huh.  Huh huh huh.  Hi.  Huh huh.  My name is Trevor.  Huh huh.  I like you.  Huh huh."

And the people of Earth all look at each other, and wonder, "Is that what turnips are for?"

How to Survive:

Will Smith.

December 2012 - Day 4 - Return of the Dinosaurs

On the fourth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

What:

Okay, if we're going to have zombies, a pole shift, and 3 competing dictators, we'd better get dinosaurs.

Where:

I think each connected landmass (yes, Australia, you can be included this time) should spawn at least one dinosaur.  The Americas, Eurasia and Africa, Australia and Antarctica can all be blessed with a dinosaur of their choosing.  However, since it's the apocalypse, they must choose between tyrannosaurus rex, allosaurus, Utahraptor, dilophosaurus, gigantoraptor, gojirasaurus, demtradon, or pterodactyl, all of which have a real hankering for flesh.

How:

I don't really know.  But it's cool.

I believe this will reinstate the practice of sacrifices, as we all raid McDonalds of their meat, pile it up, and hide as the pterodactyls swarm.  When they're all full, we can go pterodactyl hunting.

And I want a baby allosaurus.  They're like T-Rex, only cuter.

How to Survive:

Find them when they're little and raise them as pets.  Then you can train them to only eat the people you WANT them to eat.  Like Nikki Minaj.

Or zombies.  You can train them to eat zombies.

December 2012 - Day 3 - Hitler(s)

On the 3rd day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

What:

World War III.

Where:

 Duh.  The world.  Like, all of it.

How:

So, once upon a time, Hitler killed lots of Jews.  That's why most of the world hates him.

But we need not forget that he also took a puny, beaten down country that was still smarting from the last World War, and took over most of the European landmass with little more than oratory skill and a really creepy mustache.

Now, imagine if someone just like him showed up in the world again.  Another "Hitler" taking over Europe.  And then imagine if there were 2 more on top of that.

Yep, 3 Hitlers.  I figure one of them can take over Eurasia, one can have Africa, and one can go for the Americas.

And meanwhile, in Antarctica, a mustachioed penguin can start heating up the ice cap.

So, we have 3 Hitlers taking over the 3 main landmasses of the world.  What do you think they'd do after that?  Think they'd be content with their own landmass?

No.  No, they would not.

And then it's like a game of Risk.  You roll a few dice, blow up a few opposing troops, maybe rape and pillage for a few days or so... you know.  Just basic conquest stuff.

Oh, and let's not forget the hate campaigns.  These are Hitlers, remember.  Pretty sure the victims would be Scientologists, red heads, and anyone who plays Dungeons and Dragons.

Meanwhile, Australia watches all of this and says, "Hey, wait!  I'm a landmass too!  Why don't I get a hateful, Fascist dictator?"

And everyone kinda snorts into their hand, tries to turn it into a cough and says, "Okay, Australia.  You can provide the war wallabies if you want."

How to Survive:

Move to Australia, put on fuzzy, grey ears and climb a eucalyptus tree.

December 2012 - Day 2 - Magnetic Pole Shift

On the second day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

What:

Magnetic pole shift.

Where:

The backyard of some unfortunate polar bear that just got overrun with penguins.

How:

North and South decide they're going to play a pesky, little trick on everyone and switch places.

How to Survive:

Go dig a hole, then watch Blast from the Past and pretend you lived in it for a few decades.

I'll admit, I own a book entitled How to Survive 2012: Tactics and Survival Places for the Coming Pole Shift.  It was like 2 bucks at the Borders clearance sale.  Seriously, how could I not???  In a bitter bout of foreshadowing, Borders bites the dust a mere year before the coming apocalypse, and you expect me NOT to buy a 2012 survival guide?  Really.  I thought we knew each other better.

Anyway, this guy's thesis is that the Mayans predicted a pole shift in 2012, and that's what's going to cause the apocalypse.  And you know what he uses to support his thesis, beyond Mayan prophecies.  Super numbers.

That's right, 2, 3 and 9.  Be jealous.  This guy has super numbers. 

Really, though, dude.  Pole shifts?  That's kid stuff.  We have pole shifts ALL the time.  The geologic record shows them every few thousand years or so.  The apocalypse will be much worse.

But, as it's something new for this generation of people, and potentially destructive, it'll happen.  This is just a fact of the apocalypse.  If it's destructive, we'll get to experience it.  Yay!

Oh, and this book also claims the sun's poles are going to shift this year too.  Well... maybe it'll be something bigger than a little bonking out of a compass. 

So, the north pole becomes the south pole, and vice versa.  But don't worry.  Your GPS probably won't be affected, since it uses satellites, not magnetic north and south.

But, other things will happen.  For instance:

* Hurricanes/Tornados
* Sunstorms
* Volcanoes
* Glaciation
* Tidal Waves
* Continental Shift
and to top it of
* Rising and Sinking Mountains

At least, that's what this author is claiming.  The author of the surviving 2012 book insists the way to do this is "hidin' holes" and regrouping when there's nothing left but bitter aftermath.

Sounds apocalyptic.

The other scenario of a pole shift is that we all feel a little tingly for an hour or so, and then our compasses spin in crazy circles like on Pocahontas, settle pointing south, and nobody really cares since we all use GPS now anyway.

December 2012 - Day 1 - Zombies

On the first day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me
It seems I've become a zombie.

What: 

Zombies.

Where: 

They're everywhere.

Don't call me cliché.  I know.  What's the first thing people think of when they hear "apocalypse?"  Either the Bible, or zombies.

Well, that's why the zombies would attack first, so the apocalypse can get it out of the way and save the good stuff for later.

How:  

A crowd of people spends too much time listening to Adelle and gets so depressed they fall into a never-ending sleep... which then ends. And they are angry at all the lovers of the world and go eat their faces off.

But, really, viruses seem to be the most common idea for how to bring people back from the dead.  I mean, it's plausible... minus the part where they're actually dead.  They could just be really, really, incurably sick, with a mutated supervirus that causes their skin to melt from their faces and their brain capacity to be operating on "shamble-only" mode. 

How to Survive:

Find a teenage guy and hide behind him.

Honestly, with an apocalypse involving zombies, we'll fare better than any other possible disaster.

Why?

Well, the emergency response teams will be more or less helpless, but there exists a population of young men (and even some young women) who have been preparing for this event for the better part of the last decade, and possibly their whole lives.  Zombie survival plans are everywhere, and everyone who has one, has one they made themselves for their own circumstances.  I'm marrying into a pretty good one, so I think I'll make it through.

Imagine how euphoric they are!  News hits: deadly virus causes a random Adelle fan to eat someone's brain, and it's out with the X-box controllers and in with the axes!  A whole army of teenagers and young men rise up, axes at the ready, and become a new generation of heroes.

Zombies?  Psh.  Please.

The apocalypse can do better than that.

Remember 2011 - a pep talk to myself

Okay, self, remember that semester at the end of 2010 when you were working 25 hours a week, babysitting 20, and going to school full time? 


And remember how horribly you handled that semester?  Remember how you were miserable and cranky and stressed and pretty sure you were going to die?

Remember how the next semester you had a similar schedule, and you promised yourself you would handle it with grace?  Remember how you successfully made it through winter 2011 and an insane semester with no break downs and lots of peace, and were a pleasant person to be around?

Well... you can do it again.  This is NOT that bad.  There is more time to get things done.  Work is much longer, but easier.  You have more money.  Yes, your to-do list is roughly the size of the Book of Leviticus, but you're getting through it.  You crossed one thing off already, made significant headway on another, made progress on several more, and decided a whole section of the list wasn't that important.

You'll do it.  You'll get your invitations designed and find a place to live and get a venue for the Utah reception.  You'll get your Christmas shopping done, and get the presents wrapped, and do everything else on that incredibly long list.

Just remember, graceful.  Stress can be handled gracefully, and whining is NOT graceful. 

Remember 2011.  You did it once. 

You can do it again.

A Shrewd Businesswoman

It's a hard market out there, especially for housing.

Housing always drops in a recession, but usually something as small as a 2 semester contract on an apartment can be sold fairly quickly.  Sometimes, when the market is low, a tenant attempting to get out of their contract must offer a tempting deal like, "You can keep my deposit." Contracts like that are snatched up in seconds.

However, a recent phenomenon has affected the women's student housing market in a strange way.  There has been a gargantuan surge in women deciding to leave their little hovels and travel the world.  Some will stay closer to home, and others will go abroad. 

All of them will sell their student housing contracts.

When supply shoots to the sky, demand crawls in a little earthworm hole and hibernates for the winter.

And yes, this is the time I picked to get married and attempt to sell my single women's housing contract.

I've had 2 nibbles on my multiple Craigslist ads so far.  That's 2 potential prospects in a month.  Today I showed my apartment off to the 2nd of those nibbles.

The little nibble was a tall girl with short, bleached hair.  Her name was Gena, and she seemed super friendly.  I bent my schedule around itself to show her the place, and this morning was spent prepping my sales pitch.

I'm offering deposit AND first month's rent.  This is a great deal, and unfortunately, the only kind of deal that's even sort of selling right now.  Now, that clearly smacks of the word, "desperate."  Well, yes, I am desperate.  I have a kitchen roughly the size of a raccoon trap, and I'm competing with the entire female student body who are going on missions. 

I reminded myself that, though I am desperate, I need to keep a solid business sense about me.  Don't say, "PLEEEEEASE take my contract!!!  I'll do anything!" because I'll likely lose my firstborn son.  It's great to advertise that I'm giving them my deposit and first month's rent, but I need to make sure it sounds like I'm a shrewd businesswoman, and not a desperate fiancee trying to get out of her single-student housing contract.  So, no begging.  Instead, use phrases like, "I'm undercutting the market."  She's getting an awesome deal because I know the market and I know what people are looking for. 

At 2:30, my little nibble came to see my apartment.  I gave her the grand tour, showing her the spacious storage closets and the washer and dryer.  I took her in my bedroom and showed her how the closet goes all the way through, and told her how awesome it all was.

Then it came time to discuss finances.  I became cold and calculating... while simultaneously warm and inviting.  She wanted to make a deal, but she feared to take advantage of me.

What did I say?

Well...

"So, I'm sure you've noticed everyone is going on missions and there are lots of housing options, so I'm undercutting the market and paying the deposit AND first month's rent." 

Not bad, right?

And then, as we were walking out the door, I added the gum drops to the shrewd businesswoman gingerbread house.  Or the icing to the cake.  Whatever.

I said, "I mean, like I said, I'm really trying to get this sold, so if you want to negotiate at all, I'm pretty much putty in your hands."

That's right, ladies and gentlemen.  Putty.  I am shrewd, businesslike putty that you can mold and shape and squeeze lots and lots of pennies out of.  Heck, I'd sleep on the floor of the front room for a month if it meant I got my contract sold.

An update in world news! Yay! Just what we all wanted!!!

Breaking News:  In a rare turn of events, Utah County will soon be graced with a religious meetinghouse!!!

Now, I know what you're all thinking: "Um... duh?  They have one on like, every corner.  Seen that 40 someodd stake building monstrosity next to Little Caesars?  Yeah.  No news flash there."

But, don't think that!  No, this religious meetinghouse is going to be... <drum roll>... non-Mormon!!!

***GASP!!!***

That's right, citizens.  Utah County will have its very own mosque!!!

Citizens: "You mean... there's... something other than Mormons here?  I mean, we all knew there were heathens, pagans and apostate members.  The very existence of the Hookah store on Provo Center Street proves that.  But Muslims?  Utah County has other religions?????"

Yes.  Orem, Utah is getting it's very own mosque.

Okay, honestly, I'm pretty dang excited.  And I seriously hope it's open to the general public and a non-Muslim female will be allowed in to check it out.  If I'm really feeling like testing my luck, I'm hoping said non-Muslim female will be allowed to take a few pictures too and listen to a meeting... though not at the same time. 

Sweet!

We're getting a mosque.

A few things I'm thankful for

1.) I'm going home in a week!
2.) I'm bringing my man home with me in a week!
3.) Horses.  I am eternally grateful for the existence of horses.  And that I have access to ride them.
4.) I am also grateful for tigers.  I feel ambivalent about not having access to ride these.
5.) I am thankful I got my receipt for Cafe Rio.  That's $237 I'm getting back.  Yay for bypassing their sucky service.
6.) speaking of money, I'm quite happy about getting 2 round trip tickets to Kansas City for $484.  That's both tickets, round trip, under $500, after all fees and everything.  Great day. :)
7.) Fire and Ice. 
8.) I have a smart phone.  Because it's a phone.  And it's smart.  However, it is an iPhone, and that doesn't particularly make me look smart. 
But it's free.
Deal with it.
9.) I'm thankful I have $500 in receipts waiting to be reimbursed.  That will be a nice stroke to my bank account.
10.) I'm thankful Macaroni Grill is doing this deal where you can get 2 lunches for $8.50.  They are also doing a $7 off your online order.  And yes, the 2 can be combined.  I just paid $1.62 (after tax) for chicken pasta, a turkey panini and a loaf of Macaroni Grill bread, complete with dipping oil/spices.  Yeah!

When in the course of human events...

Today I saw a status posted on Facebook:

"When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation."

Of course, the guy who posted this status never "declared the causes" which impeled him to support secession.

You want to know what's worse than that?  The first comment on the post said, "OK who is this quote from or is it you ???????"

Yeah.  He came up with that himself.  Oh, but wait... it sounds so familiar!  I know I've heard that somewhere before.

**Gasp!!!**  Jimmy!  You're ripping off Flo Rida, aren't you!!!

Seriously, lady.  Declaration of Independence.  Founding document for our nation.  Hear of it?

Anyway, 'twould seem this is in response to the recent movement of secession that's been stirring among the reeeeally far right wing lately.  Apparently there are quite a few petitions floating around, requesting peaceful withdrawal from the USA. 

And then there are petitions requesting those who signed the afore mentioned petitions get exiled.  Or deported.

Just curious... deported to where?

But yeah.  Secession.  It's a big deal.

Ummmm... hate to break it to you guys, but the last time this happened, about 750,000 people got shot, stabbed, blown up, burned alive, or otherwise kicked the bucket in a less-than-serene manner.  (Numbers from an April 12, 2012 article in the New York Times... which means I'm not just pulling a random death toll out of my butt.  So ha.  Look at me, citing my sources like a good little historian.  Geez, you'd think I was still in school or something.  Note to self: nobody cares on a blog.)

Anyway, point being, we... uh... kinda already addressed the issue.  And you know what the answer was?

No.

Freak, no.

Now, in order for one of these petitions to even get acknowledged, they have to gain 25,000 signatures.

Texas has 82,000.

Louisiana has 30,000.

(Source! Numbers from The Philadelphia Inquirer, article dated today)

So, now the White House has to respond to Texas and Louisiana.  Pretty sure I know what they're going to say:  lol.

Now, granted, Texas can legally secede.  They're the only state in the union that can do it, but The Republic of Texas maintained that right when they joined the Union.  So they're probably lol-ing right back.

I mean, we've got Puerto Rico's people asking for statehood now.  If Texas peaces out, we don't have to change the flag.  Maybe these petitioners are onto something!

There's another issue to consider, though.  Yes, we're in a tough spot, financially, as a country.  And yes, the popular vote was more or less sliced right in the middle during the most recent election (50.1% to 48.4%, according to the Huffington Post).  But really.  We are not at the hands of a tyrannical government.  The USA is not in the same place the British Colonies were 236 years ago.  Ever read past that first little piece of the Declaration of Independence?  Ever read the causes for secession?

Some prime selections:
* Refusing to pass laws to accommodate large bodies of people, unless those people would give up the right of representation.
Nobody has asked us to give up our right of representation.  We still hold elections, and the majority still rules.
* Calling meetings in locations far enough away from where public records are kept that the people at said meetings don't have access to their documents, to "fatigue" them into compliance.
It's basically cutting political opponents off from necessary and public information to make opposing him difficult.  We haven't seen this at all.
* Repeatedly dissolving Representative Houses for opposing the king.
We haven't even seen this once, much less repeatedly. 
* Obstructing Judicial system by refusing to assent to laws the even establish said system.
We have a pretty solid Judicial system already in place.  Yes, we see corruption some times, but there hasn't been any attempt to subvert or destroy the whole system.
* Making judges dependent on the king's will for tenure and salaries.
Nope.  None of that.  Once they're in, they're in for life, and the president can't change their salaries.  They don't have to please him.
* Sent "swarms" of soldiers to occupy civilian quarters and made the people responsible for feeding them.
* Kept standing armies among civilians in times of peace without assent of the people.
* Holding "mock" trials for soldiers who murder civilians to protect the soldiers from punishment.
* Cutting off foreign trade.
Not taxing.  Cutting off.  Like, with warships, blockades, etc.
* Taking away charters, abolishing laws of the colonies, and altering the fundamental forms of government (in our case, it would be state laws/constitutions altered by the federal government.  Nope.  Haven't seen that either.)
*"...plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people"
Sorry, y'all, but that was a hurricane.  You can't blame the government for Sandy.  Act of God.  It's a legal term.
And plenty more.

This is about half of the complaints against King George.  A few of the complaints listed are legitimate issues today.  For example, refusing to assent to laws necessary for the public good.  One could argue that's going on, but then people who don't like this or that law, or think this or that law should be instituted, will always be arguing that.  But the majority of them?  No.

Let me point out a couple of things:

1.) Barack Obama is not King George.
2.) The Federal Government of the USA is not the British Government of 1776. 

Hate to break it to you guys, but things aren't as bad as you're making them out to be.  We're not under military rule, and we're not dying under the thumb of a tyrant ruler. 

Our government was built for this.  Are we in a bad spot?  Fine, in 2 years we'll get to change out a third of the Senate and the entire House of Representatives.  Two years after that, another third of the Senate, the entire House again, and the executive branch as well.

So, remember, people.  We already discussed the issue of secession once.  And by "discussed," I mean, "blew up the southern half of the nation and torched Georgia."  Things are a little stickier, now.  It's not a geographical region wanting to secede.  It's a social movement, with people feeling one way and their next door neighbors feeling another.  We can't afford another Civil War, especially not in the current geography-less environment.  How would you pick a side?  Where would the armies camp? 

Come on, people, relax.  It was just an election.  Give it 4 more years, and you can have a whole new issue to freak out over!

Warm, fuzzy, fluffy, sparkly snow. :)

I don't know if I'll ever understand why suicide rates skyrocket this time of the year.

Okay, yes, days are shorter and darker, and if we really wanted to live in 10 degree weather we'd all move to Canada.

But really!  This time of year is all about curling up in front of a warm fire, wrapped in a blanket with a mug of cocoa and a slice of pumpkin pie. 

This time of year is all about cinnamon and cloves.

It's about either building snowmen, or, if playing in the cold isn't really your style, it's about reading Calvin and Hobbes snowmen cartoons.

Now, I'm living in student housing still, and I don't have a fireplace.  So, I'm improvising.  I'm curled up on the spot of the couch that my laptop warmed up for me, wrapped in a blanket, drinking vanilla-caramel cocoa, with my feet on a heating pad.

[tangent]A heating pad was the best small household item I ever bought!  I am a firm believer that no female should ever be without one.[/tangent]

Warm.

Fuzzy.

Fluffy.

Sparkly.

SNOW!!!!!!

And what am I thankful for this Thanksgiving?  Besides cocoa, cinnamon, heating pads, fireplaces, and snow?

Well, I'm thankful that I'm healthy again.  Still coughing, but I have all the energy I need to do whatever I want, and my voice is back enough to belt out a song or two in the car before it starts getting scratchy again.

I'm thankful the heater in my car works really well, and I had a wonderfully comfortable drive out into the country to see the snowy world.

I'm thankful for all the people who have pitched in, or offered to pitch in, helping me with my wedding prep.  I really feel like I'm on top of it, and I'll be able to get it all done in time.

I'm thankful I'm having a wedding to be prepping for. ^_^

And I think that will do for now.

'Tis the season!!!

Back in 2010, when I first started my blog, I spent November listing things I was grateful for.

I didn't do it in 2011. I wasn't a very grateful little shmrp in 2011.

Well, now it's 2012. It's a new year! (Okay, it's actually the end of the year. Whatever. Details, details.) Anyway, I'd like to do it again this year. Not every day like last year, but at least a couple times a week.

So! Here's what I'm thankful for.

1.) Obvious first: my fiancé. Duh. There is nobody in this universe who could be with a guy like him & not be thankful for it. (Cue either "aaawwww!!!" Or "eeewwww," depending on your personal tolerance for sentimental, mushy crap.)

2.) Wedding binders are now obsolete. PINTEREST, BABY!!!

3.) I have a song called Misery Business stuck in my head, as opposed to one called Baby, Payphone, or This is Why I'm Hot.

4.) I saw Chris Taney today. For about 2 seconds as he drove by. And he still made it epic.

5.) Tonight promises to involve nachos. Like, REAL nachos. Not the Velveeta on a corn chip crap.

6.) I never said I was going to do 10 thankfuls in a post.

My new toy

A while ago, I was showing off TM Publishing's up and coming online magazine to a friend.  He returned the favor and showed me a project he was working on, BYU Hitlist.  It's this little website where you just click a button.  Every time you click a grain of rice gets donated to some starving children's fund.

Sounds great, right?

But it gets better!  Every few thousand hits, somebody wins a prize.  All you have to do is sit their, numbly clicking the button and hope you're one of the lucky ones.

I mean, you have to prove you're a human being, of course, and occasionally answer market research questions, but really!  It's a great toy.  And we are now about 7,000 clicks away from the next prize giveaway. 

I think I could waste my entire workday on this stupid site.

I'M REACTING!!! I HAVE AN OPINION AND I'M REACTING!!!!

Apparently I have a large number of politically conservative friends.

And they are all whining on Facebook.

Like, a lot.

Disclaimer: You don't actually have to read the following list.  This is just a selection of the first few comments I found on Facebook upon logging in. Just skip the examples and go straight to my opinions. 

Oh, but you may miss the really controversial opinion tucked into the list of comments.

I quote:
"Obama is a Sith Lord in a suit."  
"Can't say I'm surprised citizens think happiness comes from opaque promises and living beyond your means... I'm just disappointed there are SO many of them."
"Goodbye America!"
"Welcome to Obamanation.  Bend over and kiss your @$$ goodbye!"
"Democracy is dead!"
"I'm not a crier, but I instantly burst into tears when I heard who is going to run the country I love for the next 4 years."
"I'm scared for my children."
"49% of America, you're idiots and I hate you.  I hope we can still be friends."
"First time in my life I'm ashamed to be an American." [please... I felt that the instant we invaded Iraq and destroyed over a hundred thousand American and Iraqi lives with nothing more than fabricated provocation... weapons of mass destruction my fluffy toesocks.  Oh wait, that's right.  After we got there we were "freeing the Iraqi people."  I forgot.  Need to keep up to date on the latest propaganda.  Think I'm wrong?  Look up Casualties of the Iraq War, and then tell me we were bettering and/or saving lives by what we did.  Please, show me I'm wrong; I'd like to believe in my nation's purpose again.  But when you do, make sure you use legitimate evidence and don't just spout out the propaganda we get berated with.]
"Time to take a big traveling trip, I think it'll take about 4 years who's with me?"
"Well, the good news is that the hour I was spending every day reading political articles can now be spent on something more productive!"
"America, you just made a hell of yourself, congratulation!"
"Man, what a frustrating and disappointing night... I just realized I am all out of Klondike bars!!!"
"i think i am about to cry. seriously."
"Noooooooo!!! (enough said)"
"Well, congrats pres.  Don't forget to thank ur color." (from a Vietnamese girl)
     Comment: "Well, he definitely can't thank his presidential skills."
     Comment: "If there are any."
     Comment: "Ooooooo snap"
"why don't we just hand ourselves on a silver platter to china. like 'here you own us anyway, oh and iran, they want in? sure!'"
"Horrified."
"Wow, America.  I guess you just like being bankrupt."
"When life gives you Obama, make brownies."

Other disclaimer: You can start reading again here.

Relax, people.  The apocalypse is only 46 days away, and that's not even the end of Obama's current presidency.  We're all about to go up in smoke and suffer the fate the Mayans declared for us.

You know, everybody says the Mayans predicted the end of the world on December 21, 2012, but nobody ever said what that end would entail.   I have my hopes up for dinosaur zombies.

Back to the topic at hand, I voted for Romney, in case anybody is wondering.  Personally, I think Obama is a brilliant orator with the leadership abilities of a squash casserole. 

I have to wonder, though.  When 98% of my friends on Facebook are REALLY pissed that Obama won, all of whom were touting their "I voted" stickers, does that just mean I have a lot of conservative friends and a limited circle, or does it mean something is amok with the voting system?

Hmmm... I think I feel an enthralling new conspiracy theory coming on.

Granted... almost all of my friends are from either Utah or Missouri, and Romney won both of those states, soooo.... yeah.

But no.  I'd rather think the whole thing was rigged by the maniac controlling Obama (who is actually a brilliant politician who began his career by controlling Andorra - a European microstate, and has since moved to the less traditional and more easily controlled New World) and Romney was only there for purposes of infiltration.  His goal was to test the reactions of the American people to insure that they weren't straying too far from their prescribed opinions. 

They needed him.  They needed to watch Facebook, and use Google's creepily effective information-collecting system that more or less records everything you type into your search bar or email to find out how many people supported Romney and why.  But, of course, they couldn't actually have him win.  That was not his purpose.

Now, they have their information.  They know who we are, and where we are.  They know what operating system we use, and whether or not we are weak-minded enough to own an iPhone.  For the next four years, expect to be gently and carefully brainwashed until we all believe we were actually born to be citizens of Azerbaijan, and we just needed that little push, and a little unexpected conquest, to get us there.

If I were a super villain, why would I do it?

I wish I could have an impact.

My mommy can tell me I've had a huge impact on her life, and my nieces can shower me in love and make me feel quite important, and even my fiancé can tell me I'm wonderful... but it's still just a few people.

I cast my vote today, for the better of the two main candidates (of course!), and voted down an amendment that could very likely result in higher taxes for the rest of us.  I voted for congressmen that were the same party as my preferred presidential candidate in hopes that it would be easier for the government to get things done.

...just like millions of other people.

I have to vote - if everyone felt tiny, felt like their vote didn't count, voter turnout would be so small that there would be no way to represent the will of the people.  If you have an opinion about who should be running the country, you should participate.  I did my duty as a citizen today, and I cast my vote.

...just like millions of other people.

I wish I could do more.  I wish I could take something broken and fix it, and by doing so improve millions of lives.  I don't want to be a helpful member of the masses.  I want to be the one who inspires the masses, the one who convinces them to help.

So what is it that I'm wanting?  What is my "character motivation," then? 

Do I really want to fix broken things?  Or is it something darker?  Am I craving the honor and glory?  The power?  Am I trying to make myself stronger?  Do I fear that my tiny life will be forgotten?

I guess, if I were to be an adequately complex character, the answer would be, "Yes." 

I want to help the world, change it for the better.  I want people to be happy and safe.  I want to end abuse and show every person in the world what it feels like to love unconditionally. 

I want people to listen to me, to respect me.  I want people to believe that I am wise enough to guide them.  I want them to look at how I changed the world and say, "She was an amazing person."

And I don't want to fade away.  How many billions and trillions of lives have been forgotten?  We have a few, thousands, maybe even millions, that we remember, starting with a few Egyptians around 3,000 BC.  And in 5,000 years, how many people lived and died, craving to be remembered, that we will never read a book about?

So, would I be a super hero or a super villain?  I have a craving for influence and glory in my motivations.  But I also have a genuine desire to make things better, not worse.

Maybe I'll just become a misguided hero, face off with a misguided villain, and we can both blow a hole through the Oort cloud.

Oh, but wait.  I have to do something great first.

Darn this small-scale life I lead.

I have a fairly neutral feeling about this...

Lucasfilm just got acquired by Disney.

How did this happen?

Well, I'll tell you.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, Emperor Palpatine sat upon his throne.  He was deep in meditative pondering of the Force, and he searched a long time into the future... far, far away.  He saw a world in which his story was told... but he was the villain!!!

And he was really ugly.

In fact, he was so ugly he had one of those moldy, algae sucking fish named after him.

I would know.  I named my moldy, algae sucking fish "Palpatine."

Now, being the evil emperor, he could not have this.  No... no he could not.  Not at all.  For many years, he searched this world.  Uncovered everything about it.  He found the man who created the franchise, and tried to use mind-control to get him to rewrite the story, and design the great Emperor Palpatine with blonde, wavy hair and a fantastic tan.  Unfortunately, this man was resistant to mind tricks, and the emperor's efforts resulted in Luke getting blonde, wavy hair and Samuel L. Jackson getting cast as Mace Windu, who was actually a red-haired alien with webbed toes.

When he realized his efforts were futile, he began searching more of this world.  There was nothing he could do to change his appearance in the franchise, and so he must entirely discredit it.  He caused a dark fog to settle over the cast of the prequels, making every line they said come out melodramatic and cheesy.  The audience, through a nauseated groan of horror, found out that Anakin didn't like sand, and Padme had soft arm hair.  It wasn't enough to beat out the special effects, but it was a start.

Next, he found a company... a fairly reputable company, headed by a giant mouse that runs around in red underwear.  As George Lucas grew old, the evil emperor sowed seeds in this megalopolis of a brand.  George Lucas needs a successor, he whispered to them.  Yes, they said, tapping their fingertips together.  Yes, we can be that successor.  And so negotiations began.  George Lucas, being one candle shy of a fogey, got really excited by the idea that the same people who produced the sequels to Pirates of the Caribbean might be heading up his next trilogy. 

And so, he signed the papers.

And the emperor sat back in his throne.

And he laughed.

And then Darth Vader figured out time travel, came to Earth, and force choked Mickey Mouse before the annoying rodent could don a lightsaber.

I'm happy.

Just thought I'd share that little nugget of myself. 

Enjoy it.

But don't eat it.

I am not a chicken.  My nuggets are not edible.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Delusion

A while ago I blogged about reality.

I have since decided I DON'T NEED IT!!!

Really, what can reality possibly accomplish?  All it does is depress people.  Take, for example, the moment before Washington crossed the Delaware.  Reality stated they were a teeny, tiny start up of a nation with a bunch of disorganized troops, and somewhere in there Benedict Arnold betrayed them.  [Historian's note - the Delaware crossing was December of 1776 - Arnold's plot to betray the Continental Army wasn't uncovered until September of 1780.]  They were in dire circumstances!  They had absolutely nothing to hope for.

What did Washington do?

Did he walk up to his army and say, "Alright guys, we just had a really humiliating defeat and retreat, and we're disorganized and I'm super fed up with you all, and really not sure if we can do this.  Let's cross the Delaware in a logistically difficult move and attack Trenton"?

No!  Of course not!

He dragged Thomas Payne to the front of his armies to recite some beautiful prose he had written and make them feel all fluffy inside.  THEN he told them, "Let's cross the Delaware in a sure to be successful, albeit difficult move, and take Trenton!!!"

Or better yet, the Brooklyn Bridge!  When the guy who designed the Brooklyn Bridge, John Roebling, kicked the bucket from tetanus, his kid, Washington, kept the project up!  What did reality say?  The bridge designer is dead.  Nobody has ever built a bridge this size.  You don't have the technology to do this.  But he kept at it!  Then he got some really bad sickness that left him paralyzed.  In a fit of true love, his wife learned math for him, and supervised the project. 

Then came a new reality.  The bedrock he was supposed to be anchoring the bridge in was too thick to drill through.

Did he accept reality?

Did he let go of the dream, accept that it had been the dream of his dead father and proof that paralyzed people could do great things, but nothing more than a dream?

No!

He threw reality out the window and decided that the rocks on top of the bedrock would be enough to anchor the bridge!!!  And look!  The Brooklyn Bridge has yet to fall down!

And while we're on bridges, when London Bridge was falling down, did the people just take the key and lock her up?  Perhaps, but they still had enough faith to personify a lump of crumbling rock on a river as a fair lady.

So today we learn that there is no reason in this beautiful universe to accept reality.  Believe in whatever the heck you want the universe to be.

And really, the universe is truly beautiful!

^_^

That ^ is a happily delusional smiley, in case you were wondering.

I think too much.

What is reality? Is it something we make, or is it something that just is?

If we TRY to make reality what we want it to be, can we succeed? Or will we find out 25 years later that the last 25 years have been a painful delusion - a disappointed & useless hope - and everything we ever wanted just plain isn't?

Is reality something we find or something we make?

Or something we decide we'll take?

Miscommunication is Key

Dear Beloved Person,

You know how we had that big miscommunication about me booking you a flight out of Jacksonville at 11:30 am, and you telling me a week later that you weren't coming into Jacksonville until after 2:00 pm?

Well... I just wanted to say thank you.  I've never felt so needed, so wonderful, so appreciated!  And just to make sure there are no further miscommunications between us, let me tell you just what you have done for me.

1.) Your sweet attitude reminds me of an innocent 5 year old.  Many a beautiful memory of mine involves babysitting, and you have taken me back to the days of macaroni and cheese that isn't good enough because it doesn't have hot dogs in it.

2.) How did you know I'm a big history buff???  Your treatment of me takes me me back a century and a half.  Pre-abolition.  While I can never truly appreciate the ins and outs of slavery, this must be at least a small piece of what it feels like to be there for the sole pleasure of a master's every whim.

3.) Even though we had a miscommunication about your flights, thank you for emailing me at least twice every day about the same things and ignoring my responses when I answer your questions.  Nevermind that I've assured you three times already that yes, I will copy your upline on the email about your hotel reservations, and nevermind that I told you they wouldn't be done for several days because of difficult communication with Singapore.  When all is said and done, your emails and emails and emails make sure I know what your specific preferences are.  Because, of course, we wouldn't want you to, you know, forward your hotel reservation on to your upline.  That would take far too much effort.

4.) And finally, when you are emailing me further instructions, thank you for never using complete sentences.  It's a real mental challenge for me to figure out if "depart Charlotte" means you are going to book a ticket from Charlotte to Jacksonville or if I am supposed to be booking you out of Charlotte instead of Jacksonville.  It's like Sudoku.  I get all giddy in the face of these brain teasers.  Really, that miscommunication must have been my fault.  I failed the brain teaser you gave me.

I hope I've said it enough, but just in case, THANK YOU!!!  If you'd like, I can send UPS to your home to pick up your tiara so I can polish it for you.  Just say the word!

Love,

Somebody Else's Assistant That You Treat Like Your Slave