Some police officers are great. I'll always remember David the policeman, who changed our tire for us. He was so nice! Then there was that one officer who found me stranded on the side of the road after my crank shaft sensor had killed my car, and gave me a ride home. Then there's Grandpa, and while I never saw him as a cop or interacted with him as such, he makes a great grandpa, whether or not he is trying to pessimisicate himself into the grave... which still hasn't worked... 25 years later... Sorry, Grandpa, but try as you might, God just doesn't want you to die yet! Also, as your granddaughter, I'm quite happy about that fact. I'm sure, given another decade or so, you will have a lovely funeral, though, so never fear. In the mean time, we, your family, just get to enjoy you and enjoy hearing about how you really think this trip to the doctor might be your last.
Where was I? Oh yes, police officers.
So, like I was saying, there are a fair number of awesome cops out there. Then there are the others. You know the ones I'm talking about - the badge heavy jerks with a serious case of SMS, and WAY too much power to go with that kind of an attitude. Yeah, those ones. Worse... not only do they have SMS, but they also have SVS, or small vehicle syndrome... like a bike... with pedals. Vroom vroom!
So, my story begins this morning, as I was sitting on the couch, reading about Hatshepsut, and how she was supposed to be her step-son's guardian while he was too young to rule Egypt, but pretty much took over until she suddenly died of a toothache. Yes, those can be fatal.
Anyway, as I was happily doing my homework, Lynnae came bursting into the front room, fresh out of bed, bordering on a state of panic.
"Can I have a ride to school?! I have to give a presentation that's going on right now!"
I looked at her, hair awry, still in her night shorts. "Are you going to put pants on first?"
She made record time. From bed to the car in 2.5 minutes, and from there we took the fastest possible route to school. As I pulled into the parking lot, and up to the corner, the trouble began.
Lynnae jumped out of the car. I heard a cranky, angry voice say, "Hey! Is there an emergency?"
I looked behind me. There, on the side of the curb, was none other than a BYU bike cop... an old one... complete with white hair, mustache, and a bike helmet. As Lynnae darted off to her presentation, I rolled down the window. "I'm sorry, sir, is there a problem?"
"Yeah, there's a problem! Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I'm sorry, sir, but she was in a hurry and - "
I didn't have time to finish before he was yelling at me again. "Do you WANT to get in an accident? Do you WANT to kill somebody? Is that what you're trying to do?"
Now, I was going too fast. That's an undeniable fact. Honestly, we were in quite the hurry, and I was gauging my speed by what felt safe, not by the numbers on the speedometer, which meant I was exceeding the 5 mph speed limit. But this? Really, my fault aside, there must be a more mature way to handle the situation, besides being a total jerk.
But, fight fire with fire, right? That's what Buggs Bunny taught me during my young and impressionable days of watching Loony Toons every Saturday morning.
I jumped out of the car. "You wanna make somethin' of it, old man?! How 'bout you get on that little bike of yours and pedal after me?" Then I jumped back in my totally awesome hatchback and sped away, squealing my tires and throwing a birdie out the window as I went.
No. I'm lying. I didn't do that. I'm not that nervy.
I took half a second to be grateful for my sunglasses, which concealed my disgusted look at his asinine behavior and said, "No, sir."
He continued yelling at me, and I had flashbacks of 4th grade and mean substitute teachers who thought that because we were kids, we were nothing more than misbehaving brats whom they just had to endure until we became adults, at which point we'd actually be worth something. To quote Miss Trunchbull: "I cannot, for the life of me, understand why small children take so long to grow up. I think they do it deliberately, just to annoy me." This was like that attitude, minus the "someday they'll be worth something" part of it.
"Are you crazy?! Why don't you just pay attention! Jeez, THINK, why don't you!"
I waited for him to take a breath, said, "I'm sorry, sir," and drove away. I'm pretty sure he was done with his tirade, because he turned away as I departed, but he may have had more in store if I'd stuck around. Really, though? What was he gonna do? Stick a light on his helmet and chase me? That'd be a real Hollywood chase scene right there. Probably make the evening news.
"High speed chase involving a silver Elantra and a bike! The police officer made it 15 yards before the car was out of sight.
"But then, he turned a corner and the car had been forced to stop by a red light. He was certain he'd catch the perp... 20 yards left to go... he was pedaling with all his might... 10 yards... Oh! The light turned green. Sorry, popo, but she got away.
"The officer involved in the chase was commended for his valiant effort and offered a promotion. Now he can be found driving around campus in his brand new BYU Police golf cart!"
