I made myself cry today. On purpose. When I was feeling no distress whatsoever.
I do this occasionally, for no observable reason. I'll just be feeling a bit bored and remedy that by daydreaming up a tragedy that leaves mascara streaming down my face, while I desperately hope I can remove any traces before my husband gets home and thinks somebody died.
Long after my self-induced emotional trauma, while I was still floating on that post-cry high, I had to ask myself, "I know at least 5 girls who will admit to doing this, and just about every woman I know will watch a 'cry movie' here and there when they 'feel like they could use a good cry.' I have never, ever heard of a man deliberately making himself cry. What's up with that???"
I know a little bit about the chemistry of crying. Apparently it releases toxins and such, but that doesn't explain why women cry so much more than men. So I decided to Google it.
Google was useless. One site claimed that the same proteins that stimulate breast milk also cause tears (which would be a great explanation... if I were lactating), another said it was because men had smaller tear ducts, so when they cried we just couldn't see it (nope... not buying that one), and another said it was because men sweat more, so they don't need to cry (I might be able to believe that one... as it also explains why many of the men in my experience naturally smell like B.O. and farts so much more often than the women). Still, I happen to know women who sweat plenty, and not only do they not smell like men, but they also cry up a good storm as often as any other woman I know.
No, Google didn't give me an answer. What Google DID give me, however, was a passel of advice articles on what to do if your girlfriend is crying. And, of course, being the crying girl in that scenario, I had to see what advice my potential comforters were being given.
Best advice: "Whatever you do, don't ever blame PMS for her outbursts — even if you, she and the calendar know better." From AskMen.com.
Thank you, AskMen.com, for saying this. Because, we DO cry for no reason, as I clearly did today, when hormones are not involved. And we cry for reasons that some people don't understand, but make perfect sense to us. And we cry when we're feeling hormonal and irrational and we know it doesn't make sense for us to feel the way we do, but dammit, that's how it feels and the fact that it makes no sense just makes it that much more traumatic. No matter why we're crying, having someone dismiss our feelings as "just hormones" is the quickest route to turn that high level of emotion into a homicidal rage.
Worst Advice: "If the woman tells you what is wrong, first determine if you can help her to fix the problem. Show her that you are a gentleman, or at least a decent guy. If you can help her fix the problem, tell her so and ask her if she wants you to help her fix it." From WikiHow.
No. Just... no. Freak, no. If we want someone to fix our problems, we will say so. Crying is NOT a request for problem solving. Frequently, it just feels like the guy is trying to get us to stop crying, or reducing our complex emotion into the simple scenario that caused it, and I'm pretty sure I've made it clear that we NEED TO CRY.
What we need most while crying is validation for the fact that we are crying. If we're crying because things suck, then yes. Things suck. If we're hormonal, that sucks. If we're crying because we're happy... great! That's... heck, not even we know why we're crying in that scenario, but sure. Let it rain.
I don't know why so many men don't cry, but women do because it feels good. It's refreshing and cathartic. Stressed? Sad? Angry? Frustrated? A solid cry is a good way to relieve any of that. Bored? Feeling a tad emotionally dull? Yep! Have a nice cry. It'll pep you right up!
So, if I could just add to the advice I read today, remember this: Tears are not a crisis. In fact, more often than not, they are a solution. They purge negative emotion and bring renewal, replacing stress, anger, and sorrow with strength and the ability to more easily move forward. If your girlfriend/wife/sister/mother/totally-platonic-female-friend is crying, encourage it. Validate it. It's a good thing, and she'll be so much better once she's done scrubbing the mascara off her cheeks.
