Girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider...

Get more stupider?  Who came up with that rhyme, anyway?  It's pretty incriminating on the intelligence of the chanter...

And anyhow, boys do NOT go to Mars to get more candy bars.

They go to Venus.  To...

*ahem*

Never mind.

Anyway, today I researched Mars.  It was fun.  I learned a lot.  Yay!

I really should have done this sooner, but I'm sadly lacking on my mythology know-how.  Today I found out that, much like Anakin Skywalker, Mars did not have a father!  (And here we thought George Lucas was ripping off Christian lore...)  Turns out Mars was conceived by a flower.

Yes, a flower.

Big, beefy, god-of-war, I will spear you in the face if you look at me wrong Mars was conceived by a flower.

I'm guessing it was a petunia.

No wonder he had aggression issues.  All that bottled up "I have no daddy" stuff...

Anyway, turns out it was the work of Juno, his mother, who was annoyed with Jupiter for having a kid all on his own and usurping her mother role. (Jupiter spawned Minerva out of his forehead.  How do they do these things???)  So Juno went and talked to Flora (not Fauna... don't get confused, people), who said, "Hm.  Well I have these magical flowers that might help you restore balance and have a kid on your own.  Let's test it."

They looked over and saw farmer Joe milking Bessie down by yonder barn, and approached him.

"Hey Joe," Juno said casually, leaning over Bessie's back.  "How's it going?"

Joe raised his eyebrows.  "Aren't you Juno?"

"Yeah."

"Well, you're from Rome and I'm a small-town American farmer.  What are you doing leaning on my cow?"

Juno shrugged.  "Oh, you know, just..." she leaped over the cow... "TRYING TO IMPREGNATE YOU!!!"

Joe leaped away, but no rural American farmer can outrun a Roman deity.  Juno chased him around and around the barn yard, scattering chickens and scaring eggs out of ducks (which... as they were in the presence of a Roman goddess, then hatched into rainbow ponies... with alligator teeth and bat wings) until finally Joe could run no more.

He collapsed against the gate post, gasping for air.  As Juno approached, a manic gleam in her eye, Joe cried out in desperation, "Somebody save me!"

Now, Joe was a good farmer.  All his animals loved him.  They looked on in horror, some of them peeking between their feathers, others cringing away.  Though they loved him, none were courageous enough to save him from Juno.

Except Bessie.  Oh noble bovine!  She leaped forward, throwing herself between the goddess and the farmer!

The flower touched her side.

Her udder dried up and her butt became that rosy pink color that cows get when they're either in heat or pregnant.

"Huh," Juno said, tilting her head to the side as she watched the transformation.

In the next instant, Bessie's midsection swelled, and then she popped out a calf.

Juno turned back to Rome.  "Hey, Flora, the magic flower worked!  We can restore balance and get revenge on Jupiter now!"

So Flora touched it to Juno's belly, and she popped out Mars.

And that is why Mars is the god of war?

There's a new band in town, but you can't get the sound from a story in a magazine... aimed at your average teen.

Ladies and Gentlemen, let's give it up for a brand new band with a brand new sound!  It's the Dirty Diapers!

What's this?  Two white girls?  What will they be gracing us with tonight???

*Savvanna and M&M take the stage*

"Ahem."

"ONE TWO THREE FOUR"

"Shawty had them apple bottom jeeeeeeans (jeans!)
Boots with da fur (fur!)
Da whole club was lookin at hur (oh!)
She hit da flo (she hit da flo)
Next thing ya know
Shawty got low low low low low low low"

Audience: O_O

"That was... a very... unique performance, girls.  Thanks for that.  Pretty sure my eyes will never be the same again."

"Why thank you.  We choreographed that dance routine for a whole week!"

"And your 'white-girls-imitating-black-people' accent.  That was its own brand of... um... well it was its own brand."

"Thanks!  You're so nice!  That's actually how we came up with our band name, the Dirty Diapers.  We're so ghetto-"
"Yeah!  We're gansta, yo!"
"Uh huh!  We're so gangsta that we may be white on the outside, but beneath that we're all chocolatey brown."

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why whenever me and my roommate try to sing Flo Rida, Usher or Nelly, my other roommate (who is also white) looks at us, shakes her head and just says, "Oh man.  You two are so white!"