On the eighth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeens!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a Zombie.
What:
When stars kick the bucket, they don't just turn pale and keel over. Well... some of them turn white. That's called a white dwarf. But that's what happens when a wussy, little star dies. And actually, white dwarfs can come back to life and become supernovae, so be careful how loud you call them wussy. You don't want to give them anything to prove.
When a medium star dies it turns into a neutron star, which has the official scientific classification of "weird."
But when a big star - a REALLY big star - kicks off, it explodes at 10% of the speed of light and roasts everything within 1,000 parsecs of itself.
Where:
Within 1,000 parsecs of here... in 8 different directions.
How:
Now, one supernova would be bad for Earth. IK Pegasi is only 150 light years away, but we don't have much to worry about from that one for at least another million or so years. But we also have Rho Cassiopeiae, VY Canis Majoris, Gamma Velorum, Eta Carinae, U Scorpii, Antares, Spica and - yes - Betelgeuse, which are all possible candidates for Supernovae.
Now, like I said, one of these going off too close to Earth is bad news.
But this is the apocalypse. We don't stop at one.
Two?
No.
Eight?
Yes!!!
Eight supernovae, all too close to Earth.
How to Survive:
Build a rocket ship that goes 11% the speed of light.
Note - Betelgeuse would make a type II supernova, which needs to be like 26 light years from Earth. It's like 642.5 light years away. Don't be afraid of Betelgeuse. Unless you say his name 3 times. Then you can be afraid if you want.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Friday, December 7, 2012
December 2012 - Day 7 - Contintental Drift
On the seventh day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me
Oh look...
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeens!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.
What:
Haha, did I say continental drift? What I meant was, "Complete Overhaul of the Continental Positioning System."
How:
Read yesterday's event: 6 hour long earthquake. You really think they aren't going to move around a bit?
I'll tell you what, though. The Mississippi River Valley is just waiting to split in half. So all those people who gathered in Kansas City? They now have beach front property. You're welcome.
Meanwhile New Zealand just crashed into Tasmania, and the Tasmanian devils teamed up with the kiwi to create a new species that is a vicious as Taz, and flies like a... oh shoot. Okay, well, they tried. A for effort, mutant species.
Mt. Everest grew even higher, and got SO high that it couldn't support its own weight, shuddered briefly, and then collapsed into a sink hole the size of Russia. And, consequently, over in India, they're their own continent again.
How to Survive:
The only possible thing you can do during all of this is to spend 6 hours playing DDR with the Earth.
And hope you win.
My true love said to me
Oh look...
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeens!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.
What:
Haha, did I say continental drift? What I meant was, "Complete Overhaul of the Continental Positioning System."
How:
Read yesterday's event: 6 hour long earthquake. You really think they aren't going to move around a bit?
I'll tell you what, though. The Mississippi River Valley is just waiting to split in half. So all those people who gathered in Kansas City? They now have beach front property. You're welcome.
Meanwhile New Zealand just crashed into Tasmania, and the Tasmanian devils teamed up with the kiwi to create a new species that is a vicious as Taz, and flies like a... oh shoot. Okay, well, they tried. A for effort, mutant species.
Mt. Everest grew even higher, and got SO high that it couldn't support its own weight, shuddered briefly, and then collapsed into a sink hole the size of Russia. And, consequently, over in India, they're their own continent again.
How to Survive:
The only possible thing you can do during all of this is to spend 6 hours playing DDR with the Earth.
And hope you win.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
December 2012 - Day 6 - Really Big Earthquake
On the sixth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
A Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeens!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.
What:
Planet Earth throws a dance party.
How:
Most earthquakes last for a few minutes. A chunk of tectonic plate falls off another chunk of tectonic plate, and it takes a little bit to settle. So, one tectonic plate decides to shift. And not just shift... I mean like kerthunk. And it makes an earthquake. 9.8 on the Richter scale. It happens, not on the San Andreas, but on the New Madrid fault. A big earthquake there can shake clear to the East Coast.
That earthquake rumbles pretty much most of North America... setting off all the faults along the West Coast.
Over in the South Pacific, Indonesia gets really excited and throws some red confetti in the air.
The red confetti lands on an Apollo shark minnow, which promptly bursts into flame, and gets eaten by a barbecue loving swamp eel... who then gets roasted by the massive, lava-spewing hole that opened up beneath him.
And look out, ladies and gentlemen! The Ring of Fire is actually on fire.
One by one, the faults of the world go off.
And by the time it's done, it's been several hours, and most people have lost all ability to walk straight. The latest craze is a brand new Kinect game called "Wave Jump," where, instead of jumping over water waves with a jet ski, you are jumping over masses of land that happen to be rolling beneath you.
How to Survive:
So, there's this little patch of land in Northwestern Missouri where you will find Kansas City. It's sitting on top of a bed of coal that absorbs pretty much all shock waves. There are also no volcanoes there. Or Hurricanes. Occasionally the Missouri river will spill over into its floodplains, but the only people affected by that are the ones idiotic enough to build their house in a freaking floodplain.
Oh, but you have to look out for the tornadoes too, but only if you live in a trailer park.
So yeah. Everybody wishing to survive the earthquake can congregate in Kansas City, ride a bull, and eat some barbecue.
This apocalypse thing isn't sounding so bad.
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
A Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeens!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.
What:
Planet Earth throws a dance party.
How:
Most earthquakes last for a few minutes. A chunk of tectonic plate falls off another chunk of tectonic plate, and it takes a little bit to settle. So, one tectonic plate decides to shift. And not just shift... I mean like kerthunk. And it makes an earthquake. 9.8 on the Richter scale. It happens, not on the San Andreas, but on the New Madrid fault. A big earthquake there can shake clear to the East Coast.
That earthquake rumbles pretty much most of North America... setting off all the faults along the West Coast.
Over in the South Pacific, Indonesia gets really excited and throws some red confetti in the air.
The red confetti lands on an Apollo shark minnow, which promptly bursts into flame, and gets eaten by a barbecue loving swamp eel... who then gets roasted by the massive, lava-spewing hole that opened up beneath him.
And look out, ladies and gentlemen! The Ring of Fire is actually on fire.
One by one, the faults of the world go off.
And by the time it's done, it's been several hours, and most people have lost all ability to walk straight. The latest craze is a brand new Kinect game called "Wave Jump," where, instead of jumping over water waves with a jet ski, you are jumping over masses of land that happen to be rolling beneath you.
How to Survive:
So, there's this little patch of land in Northwestern Missouri where you will find Kansas City. It's sitting on top of a bed of coal that absorbs pretty much all shock waves. There are also no volcanoes there. Or Hurricanes. Occasionally the Missouri river will spill over into its floodplains, but the only people affected by that are the ones idiotic enough to build their house in a freaking floodplain.
Oh, but you have to look out for the tornadoes too, but only if you live in a trailer park.
So yeah. Everybody wishing to survive the earthquake can congregate in Kansas City, ride a bull, and eat some barbecue.
This apocalypse thing isn't sounding so bad.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
December 2012 - Day 5 - Aliens
On the fifth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Fiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeens!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.
What:
Five aliens visit Earth. They request a council of the entire population of the world. This council is broadcast across all nations, and everyone with a TV, radio, or internet.
The first alien steps forward. "Hello, Earthlings. I am Gaorhgaekjf from Planet Psjksrgjkaerjkl. We are claiming your planet for your turnips. They are a very valuable natural resource in FTL travel, so we intend to cultivate the entirety of your planet - anywhere that will grow a turnip. There are a few places that won't grow turnips, so you are welcome to continue living there. I believe you have named one of them 'Sahara.' What a lovely name. You must love that strip of land so much. I'm sure you will be happy there."
The second alien takes the stand. "Hello, Earthlings. I am Grishnog of Planet Og. The planet you just heard from has some of the greatest farmers in the Galactic Empire. My planet includes the greatest bunch of warriors. And we're going to help the guy you just heard from, because we really like FTL travel."
The third alien speaks next. "I am Fabio the Fearce, of the real Galactic Empire... not the little start up punks you just heard from. And I am here to insure that they get no turnips whatsoever. I would prefer to manage cultivation of turnips myself, but if that peaceful solution does not work out..."
He glances behind him, and the fourth alien - a massive creature with something glowing at his waist that looks like it might spontaneously combust - nods his head. A grimace slips across his face, and he growls to make his point.
The fifth alien steps forward, and falls on his face. Standing up, he says, "Huh. Huh huh huh. Hi. Huh huh. My name is Trevor. Huh huh. I like you. Huh huh."
And the people of Earth all look at each other, and wonder, "Is that what turnips are for?"
How to Survive:
Will Smith.
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Fiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeens!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.
What:
Five aliens visit Earth. They request a council of the entire population of the world. This council is broadcast across all nations, and everyone with a TV, radio, or internet.
The first alien steps forward. "Hello, Earthlings. I am Gaorhgaekjf from Planet Psjksrgjkaerjkl. We are claiming your planet for your turnips. They are a very valuable natural resource in FTL travel, so we intend to cultivate the entirety of your planet - anywhere that will grow a turnip. There are a few places that won't grow turnips, so you are welcome to continue living there. I believe you have named one of them 'Sahara.' What a lovely name. You must love that strip of land so much. I'm sure you will be happy there."
The second alien takes the stand. "Hello, Earthlings. I am Grishnog of Planet Og. The planet you just heard from has some of the greatest farmers in the Galactic Empire. My planet includes the greatest bunch of warriors. And we're going to help the guy you just heard from, because we really like FTL travel."
The third alien speaks next. "I am Fabio the Fearce, of the real Galactic Empire... not the little start up punks you just heard from. And I am here to insure that they get no turnips whatsoever. I would prefer to manage cultivation of turnips myself, but if that peaceful solution does not work out..."
He glances behind him, and the fourth alien - a massive creature with something glowing at his waist that looks like it might spontaneously combust - nods his head. A grimace slips across his face, and he growls to make his point.
The fifth alien steps forward, and falls on his face. Standing up, he says, "Huh. Huh huh huh. Hi. Huh huh. My name is Trevor. Huh huh. I like you. Huh huh."
And the people of Earth all look at each other, and wonder, "Is that what turnips are for?"
How to Survive:
Will Smith.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
December 2012 - Day 4 - Return of the Dinosaurs
On the fourth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.
What:
Okay, if we're going to have zombies, a pole shift, and 3 competing dictators, we'd better get dinosaurs.
Where:
I think each connected landmass (yes, Australia, you can be included this time) should spawn at least one dinosaur. The Americas, Eurasia and Africa, Australia and Antarctica can all be blessed with a dinosaur of their choosing. However, since it's the apocalypse, they must choose between tyrannosaurus rex, allosaurus, Utahraptor, dilophosaurus, gigantoraptor, gojirasaurus, demtradon, or pterodactyl, all of which have a real hankering for flesh.
How:
I don't really know. But it's cool.
I believe this will reinstate the practice of sacrifices, as we all raid McDonalds of their meat, pile it up, and hide as the pterodactyls swarm. When they're all full, we can go pterodactyl hunting.
And I want a baby allosaurus. They're like T-Rex, only cuter.
How to Survive:
Find them when they're little and raise them as pets. Then you can train them to only eat the people you WANT them to eat. Like Nikki Minaj.
Or zombies. You can train them to eat zombies.
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.
What:
Okay, if we're going to have zombies, a pole shift, and 3 competing dictators, we'd better get dinosaurs.
Where:
I think each connected landmass (yes, Australia, you can be included this time) should spawn at least one dinosaur. The Americas, Eurasia and Africa, Australia and Antarctica can all be blessed with a dinosaur of their choosing. However, since it's the apocalypse, they must choose between tyrannosaurus rex, allosaurus, Utahraptor, dilophosaurus, gigantoraptor, gojirasaurus, demtradon, or pterodactyl, all of which have a real hankering for flesh.
How:
I don't really know. But it's cool.
I believe this will reinstate the practice of sacrifices, as we all raid McDonalds of their meat, pile it up, and hide as the pterodactyls swarm. When they're all full, we can go pterodactyl hunting.
And I want a baby allosaurus. They're like T-Rex, only cuter.
How to Survive:
Find them when they're little and raise them as pets. Then you can train them to only eat the people you WANT them to eat. Like Nikki Minaj.
Or zombies. You can train them to eat zombies.
Monday, December 3, 2012
December 2012 - Day 3 - Hitler(s)
On the 3rd day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.
What:
World War III.
Where:
Duh. The world. Like, all of it.
How:
So, once upon a time, Hitler killed lots of Jews. That's why most of the world hates him.
But we need not forget that he also took a puny, beaten down country that was still smarting from the last World War, and took over most of the European landmass with little more than oratory skill and a really creepy mustache.
Now, imagine if someone just like him showed up in the world again. Another "Hitler" taking over Europe. And then imagine if there were 2 more on top of that.
Yep, 3 Hitlers. I figure one of them can take over Eurasia, one can have Africa, and one can go for the Americas.
And meanwhile, in Antarctica, a mustachioed penguin can start heating up the ice cap.
So, we have 3 Hitlers taking over the 3 main landmasses of the world. What do you think they'd do after that? Think they'd be content with their own landmass?
No. No, they would not.
And then it's like a game of Risk. You roll a few dice, blow up a few opposing troops, maybe rape and pillage for a few days or so... you know. Just basic conquest stuff.
Oh, and let's not forget the hate campaigns. These are Hitlers, remember. Pretty sure the victims would be Scientologists, red heads, and anyone who plays Dungeons and Dragons.
Meanwhile, Australia watches all of this and says, "Hey, wait! I'm a landmass too! Why don't I get a hateful, Fascist dictator?"
And everyone kinda snorts into their hand, tries to turn it into a cough and says, "Okay, Australia. You can provide the war wallabies if you want."
How to Survive:
Move to Australia, put on fuzzy, grey ears and climb a eucalyptus tree.
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.
What:
World War III.
Where:
Duh. The world. Like, all of it.
How:
So, once upon a time, Hitler killed lots of Jews. That's why most of the world hates him.
But we need not forget that he also took a puny, beaten down country that was still smarting from the last World War, and took over most of the European landmass with little more than oratory skill and a really creepy mustache.
Now, imagine if someone just like him showed up in the world again. Another "Hitler" taking over Europe. And then imagine if there were 2 more on top of that.
Yep, 3 Hitlers. I figure one of them can take over Eurasia, one can have Africa, and one can go for the Americas.
And meanwhile, in Antarctica, a mustachioed penguin can start heating up the ice cap.
So, we have 3 Hitlers taking over the 3 main landmasses of the world. What do you think they'd do after that? Think they'd be content with their own landmass?
No. No, they would not.
And then it's like a game of Risk. You roll a few dice, blow up a few opposing troops, maybe rape and pillage for a few days or so... you know. Just basic conquest stuff.
Oh, and let's not forget the hate campaigns. These are Hitlers, remember. Pretty sure the victims would be Scientologists, red heads, and anyone who plays Dungeons and Dragons.
Meanwhile, Australia watches all of this and says, "Hey, wait! I'm a landmass too! Why don't I get a hateful, Fascist dictator?"
And everyone kinda snorts into their hand, tries to turn it into a cough and says, "Okay, Australia. You can provide the war wallabies if you want."
How to Survive:
Move to Australia, put on fuzzy, grey ears and climb a eucalyptus tree.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
December 2012 - Day 2 - Magnetic Pole Shift
On the second day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.
What:
Magnetic pole shift.
Where:
The backyard of some unfortunate polar bear that just got overrun with penguins.
How:
North and South decide they're going to play a pesky, little trick on everyone and switch places.
How to Survive:
Go dig a hole, then watch Blast from the Past and pretend you lived in it for a few decades.
I'll admit, I own a book entitled How to Survive 2012: Tactics and Survival Places for the Coming Pole Shift. It was like 2 bucks at the Borders clearance sale. Seriously, how could I not??? In a bitter bout of foreshadowing, Borders bites the dust a mere year before the coming apocalypse, and you expect me NOT to buy a 2012 survival guide? Really. I thought we knew each other better.
Anyway, this guy's thesis is that the Mayans predicted a pole shift in 2012, and that's what's going to cause the apocalypse. And you know what he uses to support his thesis, beyond Mayan prophecies. Super numbers.
That's right, 2, 3 and 9. Be jealous. This guy has super numbers.
Really, though, dude. Pole shifts? That's kid stuff. We have pole shifts ALL the time. The geologic record shows them every few thousand years or so. The apocalypse will be much worse.
But, as it's something new for this generation of people, and potentially destructive, it'll happen. This is just a fact of the apocalypse. If it's destructive, we'll get to experience it. Yay!
Oh, and this book also claims the sun's poles are going to shift this year too. Well... maybe it'll be something bigger than a little bonking out of a compass.
So, the north pole becomes the south pole, and vice versa. But don't worry. Your GPS probably won't be affected, since it uses satellites, not magnetic north and south.
But, other things will happen. For instance:
* Hurricanes/Tornados
* Sunstorms
* Volcanoes
* Glaciation
* Tidal Waves
* Continental Shift
and to top it of
* Rising and Sinking Mountains
At least, that's what this author is claiming. The author of the surviving 2012 book insists the way to do this is "hidin' holes" and regrouping when there's nothing left but bitter aftermath.
Sounds apocalyptic.
The other scenario of a pole shift is that we all feel a little tingly for an hour or so, and then our compasses spin in crazy circles like on Pocahontas, settle pointing south, and nobody really cares since we all use GPS now anyway.
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.
What:
Magnetic pole shift.
Where:
The backyard of some unfortunate polar bear that just got overrun with penguins.
How:
North and South decide they're going to play a pesky, little trick on everyone and switch places.
How to Survive:
Go dig a hole, then watch Blast from the Past and pretend you lived in it for a few decades.
I'll admit, I own a book entitled How to Survive 2012: Tactics and Survival Places for the Coming Pole Shift. It was like 2 bucks at the Borders clearance sale. Seriously, how could I not??? In a bitter bout of foreshadowing, Borders bites the dust a mere year before the coming apocalypse, and you expect me NOT to buy a 2012 survival guide? Really. I thought we knew each other better.
Anyway, this guy's thesis is that the Mayans predicted a pole shift in 2012, and that's what's going to cause the apocalypse. And you know what he uses to support his thesis, beyond Mayan prophecies. Super numbers.
That's right, 2, 3 and 9. Be jealous. This guy has super numbers.
Really, though, dude. Pole shifts? That's kid stuff. We have pole shifts ALL the time. The geologic record shows them every few thousand years or so. The apocalypse will be much worse.
But, as it's something new for this generation of people, and potentially destructive, it'll happen. This is just a fact of the apocalypse. If it's destructive, we'll get to experience it. Yay!
Oh, and this book also claims the sun's poles are going to shift this year too. Well... maybe it'll be something bigger than a little bonking out of a compass.
So, the north pole becomes the south pole, and vice versa. But don't worry. Your GPS probably won't be affected, since it uses satellites, not magnetic north and south.
But, other things will happen. For instance:
* Hurricanes/Tornados
* Sunstorms
* Volcanoes
* Glaciation
* Tidal Waves
* Continental Shift
and to top it of
* Rising and Sinking Mountains
At least, that's what this author is claiming. The author of the surviving 2012 book insists the way to do this is "hidin' holes" and regrouping when there's nothing left but bitter aftermath.
Sounds apocalyptic.
The other scenario of a pole shift is that we all feel a little tingly for an hour or so, and then our compasses spin in crazy circles like on Pocahontas, settle pointing south, and nobody really cares since we all use GPS now anyway.
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