December 2012 - Day 15 - Super Volcanoes

On the fifteenth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Fifteen Super Volcanoes
Fourteen MPH Earth-Spin
Thirteen Year Nuclear Holocaust
Twelve Decameter Storm Surge
Eleven Superstorms
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeens!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

What:

So, yesterday we talked about the Earth slowing down to barely a smidgen of a crawl.  And what did our genius 3 Hitler-esque dictators do about it?

They nuked the Earth, of course!

Would this happen in real life?  Well...

Of course!!!  That's what they did in The Core, only it was the core of the Earth that had stopped spinning, not the entire planet itself, and they went clear down to the center of the Earth to nuke it.

And as we all know, if it was made by Hollywood, they would never be so irresponsible as to make an unrealistic scenario, so this is exactly what would happen.

So, they nuked planet Earth.

And what did Geologists say would happen???

I quote: "To create a hole that deep in the crust, and then send something with the force of a nuclear bomb, is only inviting magma to rise through it.  You have the potential to create hotspots, like the spots under Hawaii and Yellowstone, which will then turn into massive supervolcanoes."

That's right.

And guess what happened.

Now, of course, not all the nuked spots would go off.

...

But a few of them did.

And they triggered Yellowstone while they were at it.

How to Survive:

Don't live near any of them, silly!!!

And if you must take pictures, please do so from the space station.  I know, I know, the angles are all off, and it's hard to fully capture the emotional potency of flying ash from that high up, but at least the lighting is fantastic.

December 2012 - Day 14 - Earth Slows Down. A Lot.

On the fourteenth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
A Fourteen MPH Earth-Spin
Thirteen Year Nuclear Holocaust
Twelve Decameter Storm Surge
Eleven Superstorms
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeens!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

Breaking News: Half the Planet Torched By Unending Day

In a rare turn of events (ha!) Earth has stopped turning!  Well... it's turning.  Sort of. 

Scientists have estimated the speed of the Earth has slowed down to roughly 14 MPH (22.5 Km/H).  No explanation has been offered for this phenomenon, though many people have their own theories.

"It's all our fault," one man, Harvey Oppenschnauffer, declared when interviewed.  "We've destroyed our planet.  We cut down rainforests and desecrated the tombs of dinosaurs by putting what little is left of their remains in our cars.  Now, Karma is coming to get her own."

Others are taking a less environmental approach. 

"To claim that human actions have affected something as large as the spinning of the Earth is purely ludicrous," Beauregard Bratwurst, a congresswoman from Wyoming (yes, there are enough people in Wyoming for them to have congressional representation), said.  "As it is December of 2012, the Maya are clearly to blame for this.  Millions of Maya are running around beneath the surface of the world, in a clockwise direction, and the force of their action is slowing the speed of the Earth."

What is to be done?

"Nothing," Mrs. Bratwurst insists.  "Give those little Maya time.  The Earth will stop spinning all together, and then start in the other direction.  The sun will rise in the West, which will take some getting used to, but in the end, the world will go on!"

Despite Mrs. Bratwurst's cheery view of the situation, the governments of the world are a little less optimistic, and are taking quick action to correct the Earth's situation.  Shafts are being dug in the Earth, hopefully deep enough to get beneath the Earth's crust.  They are angled in such a way that when they are complete, nuclear bombs will be fired into each shaft, the force of which will push the Earth in a counter-clockwise direction, and should be enough to give Earth a little "jump start."

Geologists are concerned about the affect this will have on the rest of the planet.  "To create a hole that deep in the crust, and then send something with the force of a nuclear bomb, is only inviting magma to rise through it.  You have the potential to create hotspots, like the spots under Hawaii and Yellowstone, which will then turn into massive supervolcanoes.  Toying with nature is dangerous stuff."

Others are more concerned about the affects on civilization, as it is sure to create earthquakes and tsunamis.  However, the general consensus is that things are pretty much in the toilet anyway, and there's not much more a few nukes can do.

Only time will tell.

December 2012 - Day 13 - Nuclear Holocaust

HAHAHA!  You thought I was done, didn't you???

The apocalypse doesn't have 12 days.  It has 21.

Sooooo....

On the thirteenth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
A Thirteen Year Nuclear Holocaust
Twelve Decameter Storm Surge
Eleven Superstorms
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeens!!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

What:

Remember back on day three?  Competing dictators go after the world?  Well... it's been 10 days.  The Nukes have started.

How:

Australia is bound to feel left out over not getting a dictator, and will start launching nukes at all 3 of the good-sized land masses, under the pretense of "fighting Hitler."

How to Survive:

Go visit a geneticist, and quickly.  Beat the nukes to the punch.  Alter your genetic code so that radiation only fuels you, makes you stronger.  The options are limitless.

You might grow lizard parts.

You might grow really tall and stomp all over Japan.

You might become a pile of sand that can take physical form.

You might turn metal and shoot lightning out of your hands.

You might turn into a rage monster.

You might grow grasshopper wings and destroy people's crops.

Either way, a nuclear holocaust will only make you stronger, and you should welcome the chaos and destruction.

December 2012 - Day 12 - Storm Surge

On the twelfth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
A Twelve Decameter High Storm Surge
Eleven Massive Hurricaines
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeens!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

What:

Do you know how big a decameter is?  It's 10 meters.  It's also 32.81 feet, according to Yahoo Answers, which is WAY more convenient than actually using the distance conversion feature on my phone.  You know... I'd have to type in my phone's password and all, and [whiny voice] I just can't.  It's too hard. [/whiny voice]

Anyway, as I was saying, a decameter is pretty big... especially when it's the height of a storm surge.  The highest storm surge on record, according to Wikipedia (the be-all, end-all of knowledge, as we well know) was 43 feet.

Psh.  Please.  We can do better than that.

Especially after yesterday.

If we're going to have 11 superstorms, we'd better get a 12 decameter high storm surge somewhere.  That's 393.72 feet.  Pretty sure it would take out most of the Eastern Seaboard.

How:

Superstorms.  They make storm surges.

Don't believe me?

Go watch any superstorm movie ever made.  There's sure to be a storm surge somewhere.

How to Survive:

Y'all are hidin' in caves, aren't you?  Well, maybe that was a bad idea... but only if your cave is less than 393.72 feet above sea level... and close to the sea.  So, when you're picking out your cave for yesterday, go inland a bit, kay?

December 2012 - Day 11 - Superstorms

On the eleventh day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Eleven Massive Hurricanes
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeens!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

What:

Ever Seen The Day After Tomorrow?  3 really big hurricanes sweep over the whole world, some guys in Scotland die, Christine from Phantom of the Opera gets her leg sliced open, they battle CG wolves to get her Penicillin, and someone gets their tongue stuck to the Statue of Liberty.

Oh, and some guy who thinks he's Al Gore gives a global warming speech. 

As far as apocalypse movies go, it was really one of the best.

So, let's use that scenario.  Superstorms.

11 of them.

Seriously, The Day After Tomorrow left the entire Southern Hemisphere untouched.  What the heck is with that???  We need more storms for adequate destruction.

How: 

Somewhere between the asteroids and the supernovas, I would imagine.  As we all know from the movie, if Mother Nature feels unbalanced, she will have a doozy of a PMS session and throw a horrible storm.  What better way to upset mother nature than to throw foreign objects at her from space?

How to Survive:

The Day After Tomorrow would have you hole up in a library and burn tax documents for warmth.  Personally, I don't think this'll do the trick.

Now, the Earth itself has homemade places of safety.

Caves!!!

That's right.  When these Superstorms hit, we need to all find our nearest cave that goes pretty far down where the elements can't reach, bring some food and supplies, and whatever you do, don't forget a shovel.

There may be snow.

There may be ice (bring a pickaxe too... it can help if any of the zombies greet you when you come out).

There may be rubble.

There may be a landslide.

There may be a leprechaun with a pot of gold.

Probably not on the leprechaun. 

Either way, be prepared to hole up in a cave for a bit, and then dig yourself out.

December 2012 - Day 10 - Plagues of Egypt

On the tenth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeens!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

The Book of 2012

Chapter 10.

1. And there sat upon the water a fisherman, with his pole.  He did sit in a paddle boat, seeking a lumpsucker.
2. There came to the shore a man who hailed him saying, "Hey, dude!  What are you doing?"
3. The fisherman did explain his purpose, that he sought after the lumpsucker, an ugly fish that did taste delectable.
4. The man on the shore did unsheath his iPhone, and did Google lumpsucker, after which he did mock the fisherman to scorn.
5. "Dude, you're an idiot.  You're fishing on a river in Alabama.  Lumpfish are native to the Arctic.  Like, Alaska.  Greenland?  Iceland?  The freaking saltwater ocean?"
6. The fisherman's wrath was kindled, and he did cast a curse word upon the man, smiting him to shame.
7. And it came to pass that as the men contended with one another, the waters upon which the fisherman sat began to turn red.
8. The red did spread to all the waters of Alabama, and then on to Florida, Mississippi and Louisiana, turning all of the rivers, lakes and sewage ponds to blood.
9. And upon the river where the fisherman sat contending with the man upon the shore, the fish began to die, and did float belly-up to the surface.
10. And the fisherman did pull a bulbous lump from the waters, and did hold it aloft, crying, "See here!  I have caught the greatest catfish known to mankind!"
11. And the man upon the shore did roll his eyes, and did allow the fisherman his fish story, while helping him pull his paddle boat ashore.
12. And they did turn the paddle boat upon its top that they might drain the blood from it.
13. And upon the bottom of the boat they did find a strange lump.
14. The fisherman did use his Samsung Galaxy SIII to create an image of the lump, and did ask the question of Google what the lump might be.
15. And Google, being the master of answers, did answer his question.
16. "Lumpsucker - saltwater fish native to the Arctic, specifically the Northern Pacific and Atlantic Oceans."

Chapter 11

1. And many miles away, a young child did chase his sister about the front yard with a frog.
2. The sister did turn upon her brother and did shout the words of a curse.
3. "If you don't knock if off, I'm telling mom!"
4. And it came to pass that as she spoke the words of the curse, frogs did come up from the ground, and from the trees.  From the sewer did they come, and from the rain gutters did they descend.
5. And the young child did flee after his sister, crying in a high pitched squeal, not unlike a pissy osprey.

Chapter 12

1. And it came to pass that as a school nurse combed through the hair of many small children, she did begin to feel an itch behind her ears.
2. And she did find nits upon her own hair, and in the hair of all the children.
3. And school was canceled for the rest of the year.
4. And the children did rejoice, and did praise the Lord, for the curse of the lice upon the land.

Chapter 13 - A Psalm

1. Lo! Behold!  For the Curse of the Flies be upon the land.
2. O flies, thine buzzing is heard in the midst of the day.
3. Thine wings do beat a ceaseless rhythm, far too fast for our mortal eyes to see.
4. Trillions of thy kind do swarm the Earth.
5. The house fly doth swarm, the fruit fly doth infest, the horse fly doth bite the crap out of our skin and doth drink our blood.
6. O what sorrow is ours!  How we suffer!
7. O that we had not stepped on every spider that entered our places of dwelling!  We might not feel this pain!
8. So many kinds of flies, all with the purpose of harm.
9. These trillions of flies in all their kinds do torment and afflict us.
10. Hath no one a remedy to the sound they do make?
11. Is there no respite when the night doth come?
12. Curse this curse of the flies on the land.

Chapter 14

1. And after this came a  curse upon the cattle.
2. The Cattle did die.
3. And McDonalds did go out of business.
4. And then the people did know the world was nigh unto ending.

Chapter 15

1. And it came to pass that it was boiling.
2. And the people did get boils.

Chapter 16

1. And then came a great hail upon the land.
2. Upon every car dealership did the hail fall, denting the hoods in a grievous manner.
3. And upon the radio could the cry be heard:
4. "HAIL DAMAGED CARS!  Hurry and take advantage of this great offer!  You won't find prices like these ANYWHERE else, so hurry while our HAIL DAMAGED CARS last!"
5. And the people did begin to rejoice and did all buy new cars.

Chapter 17

1. And it came to pass that there were locusts.
2. And nobody cared.

Chapter 18

1. And there came upon the high schools of the world, a plague of  darkness.
2. An army of emo girls did come upon a coven of goth guys, and they did multiply.
3. And the land was covered in black lipstick and thick eyeliner.
4. And the cheer squad was smitten.

Chapter 19

1. And the warning cry could be heard, "After all these plagues, there must only be one left!"
2. And the people did know that the first born sons must all be smitten, save they should paint the blood of a lamb upon the posts of the door.
3. And all the people did remember what was done in Egypt, and with haste they did slather sheep blood all over their doors.
4. And the land did smell of sheep.

December 2012 - Day 9 - Asteroids

On the ninth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiive Alieeeeeeens!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

What:

Giant globs of rock that interstellar monsters are using for golf.  They missed the eighteenth hole.  Or maybe... we are the eighteenth hole!

Where: 

Too close to home.

How:

So, there are some possible scenarios here.  Either we get hit, or we don't.

Now there's this little pebble that's around 50 meters across that's floating around out there named 2012DA14.  It's supposed to come pretty dang close to the Earth on February 15 of next year.

It won't actually hit the Earth.

But it will pass within the moon's orbit!

There's another one, called 4179 Toutatis, which is over a mile across, and has a sporadic orbit.

That one could hit the Earth.

So, either we get hit or we don't.  If we get beaned with a really big rock, it could hit Yellowstone, which is potentially due for an eruption (more on that on day 15).  That would pretty much be the death of us all.  It could also hit Australia and wallop a dingo.

Let's say we don't get hit.  This object comes 0.09 Lunar Distances away from us and uses its gravity to try to pull us out of orbit.

Well... 50 meters won't do much.  But it'll sure mess the heck out of our oceans.  We might get to see a giant squid as it rises from the depths, fully pissed that the tidal wave that just washed over most of North America rippled its bed, and smacks its tentacles into the ship being used to film Pirates of the Caribbean 7.

Oh, and one other thing.  Pebble of the Stars could hit the moon.  50 meters is a lot bigger to the moon... which also doesn't have an atmosphere to burn it up.  It may leave us with a permanent crescent moon.

How to Survive:

Go find Bruce Willis and ask him why he's not up there nuking the thing.  If he expresses concerns about the nuke giving him cancer, remind him he's already bald.

And then go live on the peak of a mountain where there's less surface area, so the odds of getting hit are lower.