December 2012 - Day 10 - Plagues of Egypt

On the tenth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeens!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

The Book of 2012

Chapter 10.

1. And there sat upon the water a fisherman, with his pole.  He did sit in a paddle boat, seeking a lumpsucker.
2. There came to the shore a man who hailed him saying, "Hey, dude!  What are you doing?"
3. The fisherman did explain his purpose, that he sought after the lumpsucker, an ugly fish that did taste delectable.
4. The man on the shore did unsheath his iPhone, and did Google lumpsucker, after which he did mock the fisherman to scorn.
5. "Dude, you're an idiot.  You're fishing on a river in Alabama.  Lumpfish are native to the Arctic.  Like, Alaska.  Greenland?  Iceland?  The freaking saltwater ocean?"
6. The fisherman's wrath was kindled, and he did cast a curse word upon the man, smiting him to shame.
7. And it came to pass that as the men contended with one another, the waters upon which the fisherman sat began to turn red.
8. The red did spread to all the waters of Alabama, and then on to Florida, Mississippi and Louisiana, turning all of the rivers, lakes and sewage ponds to blood.
9. And upon the river where the fisherman sat contending with the man upon the shore, the fish began to die, and did float belly-up to the surface.
10. And the fisherman did pull a bulbous lump from the waters, and did hold it aloft, crying, "See here!  I have caught the greatest catfish known to mankind!"
11. And the man upon the shore did roll his eyes, and did allow the fisherman his fish story, while helping him pull his paddle boat ashore.
12. And they did turn the paddle boat upon its top that they might drain the blood from it.
13. And upon the bottom of the boat they did find a strange lump.
14. The fisherman did use his Samsung Galaxy SIII to create an image of the lump, and did ask the question of Google what the lump might be.
15. And Google, being the master of answers, did answer his question.
16. "Lumpsucker - saltwater fish native to the Arctic, specifically the Northern Pacific and Atlantic Oceans."

Chapter 11

1. And many miles away, a young child did chase his sister about the front yard with a frog.
2. The sister did turn upon her brother and did shout the words of a curse.
3. "If you don't knock if off, I'm telling mom!"
4. And it came to pass that as she spoke the words of the curse, frogs did come up from the ground, and from the trees.  From the sewer did they come, and from the rain gutters did they descend.
5. And the young child did flee after his sister, crying in a high pitched squeal, not unlike a pissy osprey.

Chapter 12

1. And it came to pass that as a school nurse combed through the hair of many small children, she did begin to feel an itch behind her ears.
2. And she did find nits upon her own hair, and in the hair of all the children.
3. And school was canceled for the rest of the year.
4. And the children did rejoice, and did praise the Lord, for the curse of the lice upon the land.

Chapter 13 - A Psalm

1. Lo! Behold!  For the Curse of the Flies be upon the land.
2. O flies, thine buzzing is heard in the midst of the day.
3. Thine wings do beat a ceaseless rhythm, far too fast for our mortal eyes to see.
4. Trillions of thy kind do swarm the Earth.
5. The house fly doth swarm, the fruit fly doth infest, the horse fly doth bite the crap out of our skin and doth drink our blood.
6. O what sorrow is ours!  How we suffer!
7. O that we had not stepped on every spider that entered our places of dwelling!  We might not feel this pain!
8. So many kinds of flies, all with the purpose of harm.
9. These trillions of flies in all their kinds do torment and afflict us.
10. Hath no one a remedy to the sound they do make?
11. Is there no respite when the night doth come?
12. Curse this curse of the flies on the land.

Chapter 14

1. And after this came a  curse upon the cattle.
2. The Cattle did die.
3. And McDonalds did go out of business.
4. And then the people did know the world was nigh unto ending.

Chapter 15

1. And it came to pass that it was boiling.
2. And the people did get boils.

Chapter 16

1. And then came a great hail upon the land.
2. Upon every car dealership did the hail fall, denting the hoods in a grievous manner.
3. And upon the radio could the cry be heard:
4. "HAIL DAMAGED CARS!  Hurry and take advantage of this great offer!  You won't find prices like these ANYWHERE else, so hurry while our HAIL DAMAGED CARS last!"
5. And the people did begin to rejoice and did all buy new cars.

Chapter 17

1. And it came to pass that there were locusts.
2. And nobody cared.

Chapter 18

1. And there came upon the high schools of the world, a plague of  darkness.
2. An army of emo girls did come upon a coven of goth guys, and they did multiply.
3. And the land was covered in black lipstick and thick eyeliner.
4. And the cheer squad was smitten.

Chapter 19

1. And the warning cry could be heard, "After all these plagues, there must only be one left!"
2. And the people did know that the first born sons must all be smitten, save they should paint the blood of a lamb upon the posts of the door.
3. And all the people did remember what was done in Egypt, and with haste they did slather sheep blood all over their doors.
4. And the land did smell of sheep.