My true love said to me:
Oh look...
A Fourteen MPH Earth-Spin
Thirteen Year Nuclear Holocaust
Twelve Decameter Storm Surge
Eleven Superstorms
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeens!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.
Breaking News: Half the Planet Torched By Unending Day
In a rare turn of events (ha!) Earth has stopped turning! Well... it's turning. Sort of.
Scientists have estimated the speed of the Earth has slowed down to roughly 14 MPH (22.5 Km/H). No explanation has been offered for this phenomenon, though many people have their own theories.
"It's all our fault," one man, Harvey Oppenschnauffer, declared when interviewed. "We've destroyed our planet. We cut down rainforests and desecrated the tombs of dinosaurs by putting what little is left of their remains in our cars. Now, Karma is coming to get her own."
Others are taking a less environmental approach.
"To claim that human actions have affected something as large as the spinning of the Earth is purely ludicrous," Beauregard Bratwurst, a congresswoman from Wyoming (yes, there are enough people in Wyoming for them to have congressional representation), said. "As it is December of 2012, the Maya are clearly to blame for this. Millions of Maya are running around beneath the surface of the world, in a clockwise direction, and the force of their action is slowing the speed of the Earth."
What is to be done?
"Nothing," Mrs. Bratwurst insists. "Give those little Maya time. The Earth will stop spinning all together, and then start in the other direction. The sun will rise in the West, which will take some getting used to, but in the end, the world will go on!"
Despite Mrs. Bratwurst's cheery view of the situation, the governments of the world are a little less optimistic, and are taking quick action to correct the Earth's situation. Shafts are being dug in the Earth, hopefully deep enough to get beneath the Earth's crust. They are angled in such a way that when they are complete, nuclear bombs will be fired into each shaft, the force of which will push the Earth in a counter-clockwise direction, and should be enough to give Earth a little "jump start."
Geologists are concerned about the affect this will have on the rest of the planet. "To create a hole that deep in the crust, and then send something with the force of a nuclear bomb, is only inviting magma to rise through it. You have the potential to create hotspots, like the spots under Hawaii and Yellowstone, which will then turn into massive supervolcanoes. Toying with nature is dangerous stuff."
Others are more concerned about the affects on civilization, as it is sure to create earthquakes and tsunamis. However, the general consensus is that things are pretty much in the toilet anyway, and there's not much more a few nukes can do.
Only time will tell.
Scientists have estimated the speed of the Earth has slowed down to roughly 14 MPH (22.5 Km/H). No explanation has been offered for this phenomenon, though many people have their own theories.
"It's all our fault," one man, Harvey Oppenschnauffer, declared when interviewed. "We've destroyed our planet. We cut down rainforests and desecrated the tombs of dinosaurs by putting what little is left of their remains in our cars. Now, Karma is coming to get her own."
Others are taking a less environmental approach.
"To claim that human actions have affected something as large as the spinning of the Earth is purely ludicrous," Beauregard Bratwurst, a congresswoman from Wyoming (yes, there are enough people in Wyoming for them to have congressional representation), said. "As it is December of 2012, the Maya are clearly to blame for this. Millions of Maya are running around beneath the surface of the world, in a clockwise direction, and the force of their action is slowing the speed of the Earth."
What is to be done?
"Nothing," Mrs. Bratwurst insists. "Give those little Maya time. The Earth will stop spinning all together, and then start in the other direction. The sun will rise in the West, which will take some getting used to, but in the end, the world will go on!"
Despite Mrs. Bratwurst's cheery view of the situation, the governments of the world are a little less optimistic, and are taking quick action to correct the Earth's situation. Shafts are being dug in the Earth, hopefully deep enough to get beneath the Earth's crust. They are angled in such a way that when they are complete, nuclear bombs will be fired into each shaft, the force of which will push the Earth in a counter-clockwise direction, and should be enough to give Earth a little "jump start."
Geologists are concerned about the affect this will have on the rest of the planet. "To create a hole that deep in the crust, and then send something with the force of a nuclear bomb, is only inviting magma to rise through it. You have the potential to create hotspots, like the spots under Hawaii and Yellowstone, which will then turn into massive supervolcanoes. Toying with nature is dangerous stuff."
Others are more concerned about the affects on civilization, as it is sure to create earthquakes and tsunamis. However, the general consensus is that things are pretty much in the toilet anyway, and there's not much more a few nukes can do.
Only time will tell.
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