Buying Flowers for a Man

Alberto's dad died.

I was really impressed by how upbeat he's been all day.  He talked to the distributors with enthusiasm, and still laughed with the office jokes.  I don't know if he was close to his dad, but either way, death of immediate family warrants flowers.

And, of course, as the assistant, getting flowers was my job.

Have you ever bought flowers for a guy before?  It's a little... weird.  I chose Target's miniscule floral department because I also needed to get a card for everyone to sign, and it was a nice one-stop.  I was presented with a vast variety of choices.  I could get him pink tulips, pink daisies, pink orchids, a varied bouquet of pink roses, pink daisies and pink hydrangeas, or the loudest yellow/orange gerber daisy bouquet I had ever seen.

I looked over my options, chewed my lip for a second, then shrugged and muttered, "He's from Mexico.  He'll like yellow and orange."

After that bout of politically correct stereotyping, I skipped off to the greeting card session to find a sympathy card that wasn't nauseatingly cheesy, running sandpaper over open wounds of the heart, or pink.  I settled on a green card that said something to the effect of, "We're with you during this time," and went to get a vase. 

The vase I ended up selecting was a plain, clear glass cylinder.  Really... it was between the $3 cylinder or the $15 blown glass with the ocean waving across it.  And... well... flowers for a guy, remember?  I couldn't really picture Alberto cherishing the ocean vase enough to justify 5x the cost.

The card made it quietly around the office as everyone gave him their sympathy and well wishes.  Then it came to the part that wasn't my job as assistant: presenting the gesture. 

We couldn't find his manager to give it to him.  Well... technically his manager, Dan, just got back from a 4 day conference in Atlanta, Orlando and Jacksonville, and was home sleeping.  We don't begrudge him the afternoon off.

So, we got the other Dan (who is not his manager, but is named Dan and therefore the best we could do) to present the card and flowers.

I sat across the cubicle wall from Alberto and listened to the interaction.

"Hey," Other Dan said, in a tender, sympathy laden voice. 

I smiled.  Yep.  Other Dan was definitely a good choice to give him the flowers.

I heard the vase clink as Other Dan presented the flowers, and then his voice spoke again.  "These are not for a social advancement."

**facepalm**

And that is how sympathy works here.

Proof I Work With Guys

I'm the assistant.

That means I occasionally get a break from filing expense reports, editing convention presentations, and setting up conference calls to take a trip to the store.  I keep the candy jar stocked and make sure there's always water for the team I work with.

Once upon a time, my boss decided he'd had too much candy.

He called me in his office.

"Hey, Savannah, do you think you could go to Costco and get something with less sugar in it?  You know, granola bars, nuts, that kind of thing.  Ooh, and Jelly Bellies.  I want some Jelly Bellies for my desk."

I agreed, and happily skipped off to the store, glad for the break from paperwork.  Once in Costco, I browsed the snack aisles.  There were pallets upon pallets of everything from sugar free breath mints to Skittles to trail mix.  I settled on a huge bag of trail mix, some dried fruit, a jar of nuts, a box of mountain something or other granola bars, and some peanut Fiber Plus bars.

Oh, and a tub of Jelly Bellies, of course.

I brought them back to the office, turned them in, and that was that.

Until this week.

Apparently there was a little issue with the Fiber Plus bars.

Here is the customer review the guys at work are all citing as a description of their experience with these bars:
"Fiber Plus bars are yummy and chocolaty.  Fiber Plus bars are also snacks that are forged in the depths of hell by Satan himself."

Apparently these bars have earned the nickname "Fart Bars."

Now, my boss discovered this when he ate multiple bars right before going to play basketball with the guys here.  According to the tales they told upon their return, he actually had fire shooting out of his back end, giving his layups jet propulsion.

Now, my boss didn't tell anyone quite what had caused his extra boost.  Instead, he locked his office door and huddled behind his desk long enough to let out a maniacal chuckle as his tapped his fingers together.  Then he stood up straight, picked up the box of Fiber Plus bars, and walked out to the guys on his team.

"Hey guys, try out these bars.  They taste AMAZING!  Here, have two.  You'll love them."

Yesterday in Team Meeting, with an unsuspecting guy from the web team?  "Hey Blake, try out these bars.  You'll love them.  Here, take two."

Even Jill got suckered into trying the Fart Bars, but lucky for her, she has what my boss dubbed a "colon of steel."

It's been a few days.

And I have now learned FAR more about my team's digestive tracts than I EVER wanted to know.

Note to self: In the future... stick to fruit snacks.