Symptoms

Warning: If mild descriptions of the female reproductive system and its functions make you squeamish, this post is not for you. Like, omg I say the word "period," and I'm not referring to the punctuation mark.

Today the symptoms of pregnancy suddenly got worse.

I was experiencing symptoms before I found out I was pregnant. I just... had no idea they were symptoms, and didn't dare to hope that they might be.

First thing... my boobs hurt. So badly. They always hurt at the end of my cycle, but wow. This was so intense.

And about that same time came... the dreams.

Dang, I've had weird dreams.

Stuff like battling snakes in a sinkhole in the Grand Canyon whilst flying over it on a line attached to a helicopter and getting lost in a bagel shop that just happened to be there too.

The dreams were every single night. I've never dreamed that often, or that randomly. I mean, a bagel shop? Really?

Then, on the day of the test, the cramping started. That scared me, because that's usually the feeling that heralds the period. Dr. Google was quick to inform me that was normal for early pregnancy, which was super helpful! (Heh. Not.) Like every other dang symptom, it could mean period, or it could mean pregnancy, and was basically just there to confuse me.

But, luckily, it was my uterus expanding to fit my little blob. The cramping has been every day since then. I usually cramp a couple of times, and then that's it for the day. It's all super minor cramping too. Very mild discomfort, and absolutely nothing like the period cramps that would reduce me to crying on my heating pad, wanting to physically remove my uterus from my abdomen.

Also, I've been tired. Not terribly tired, but there have been a couple of days I've wanted to curl up under my desk at work and sleep for an hour.

And then... food. Normally, I utterly crave sweets. I eat Nutella straight from the jar every single day. And fruit snacks! Oh, how I love fruit snacks! I try to reign it in, but the craving is always there.

For the last week and a half, I haven't even wanted it. I've been wanting steak and chicken and salad and fruit.

And, of course, I. pee. so. much.

That all leads us to today.

So, I took a nap today. I didn't mean to sleep that long, and it wasn't a nap that left me feeling refreshed either. It left me feeling like death.

Especially because of the dream.

So, in my dream, Carl and I had adopted 4 babies about 2 years ago. We'd just sort of gone around from person to person and asked if they had a baby for us to adopt. We'd ended up with 4 of them. But that was 2 years ago. Well, today in my dream, we had this house, and we were showing it to these people that wanted to rent it, and I realized they were one of the couples who'd given us a baby. And then, with absolute horror, I realized I had completely forgotten about those babies for the last 2 years. I'd put them in the spare bedroom to sleep, and just forgotten them.

After showing the people around, I braced myself and went into the spare bedroom. I expected to see long-dead and rotten corpses in the cradles where I'd left them, but they were alive, no older than the last time I'd seen them. Somehow, they were just fine.

So, I stayed in that room and held them, and wondered what I was going to do with 4 babies!!! Especially now that I was pregnant with my own. I felt bad since I'd wanted them so badly 2 years ago, but I really didn't want 4 babies.

About that time, there was a TV in the room, and a voice on the TV said, "She can hear us, though. Since the accident, this is the only way we can get through to her." And I realized that I wasn't really there - I was caught inside my own mind, either in a coma or just insane. And I realized I was dreaming, and I suddenly started analyzing the dream. A house is representative of the self, and the upstairs, where I was, typically means the mind. That made sense. This dream was obviously about my mind.

And basically, the dream was really, really weird.

But that was not quite as weird as my shopping trip.

I don't know if this counts as a craving or not, but I was feeling very emotional about my juice.

I was at the store, buying an outfit to take bump pictures in, as well as a few groceries, and I walked past the juice aisle. As soon as I saw it, I wanted to cry... because juice?

Maybe it was the disappointing Snapple I had earlier today.

I bought some orange juice, and when I got in the car I wanted to cradle my juice in my arms and love it as I drank it.

In case you think I'm a lunatic (I'm starting to wonder), just know that I didn't give in to the urge. Instead of tearfully loving my juice, I settled for stoically shaking it up and chugging some straight from the carton.

Ah, juice!

So, yes. I don't have "pregnancy brain" yet, where you freak out because you lost your phone, then console yourself with the fact that you're holding it, only to realize you're not holding it, and when you have your husband call it, it rings from inside the refrigerator. I don't have that. Yet.

But I have had a couple moments, here and there, where I wonder if I'm going to make it through this pregnancy with my sanity intact.

Time with tell.

And so it ends... and begins.

I find it funny that when I wrote that mopey post about the pain of infertility, I was actually pregnant. I had been pregnant for 3 days (assuming fertilization took place the same day as the IUI). 12 days later, I took the test, and was shocked to find out it was all over.

I couldn't take a home pregnancy test, of course. My mom always had trouble when she got pregnant - the home tests wouldn't register anything until a couple weeks after she had a positive blood test, because her hormones were so low. I have the same problems, so it wasn't worth wasting a test that could give me a false negative.

On top of that, taking it less than 14 days after the trigger shot (which is made of HCG, the same hormone you produce when pregnant, and what the tests look for), can give you a false positive, and that would be utterly devastating.

No, I waited until the blood draw, and until the lab called me with the results.

It was around 2:00 PM, and I was at work. My phone rang, and I darted into the empty break room, answering it on the way.

The nurse began the conversation the same way they always do: "Do you have a minute to talk about your blood test?"

In my experience, that question has always been followed by. "I'm so sorry, but the results were negative. Stop taking the progesterone, and call us when your next cycle starts."

As she asked the question, my heart stopped pounding and started crumbling. I'd been bracing myself for it all day, but I've never quite been ready for it.

"Yes," I managed, closing the break room door behind me.

Her next sentence sent my heart fluttering at 1,000 bpm.

"Guess what," she said, a laugh definitely behind her voice.

I didn't even have time to catch my breath before she said, "You're pregnant!"

And, like the baby I am, I burst out sobbing. And I couldn't quite believe it. I asked, "Wait, are you sure?" a couple of times, while scenarios of how that could be wrong started racing through my head. I had leftover HCG from the trigger shot? I had been pregnant but miscarried and there were leftover hormones? There was no way. It had been so long. And yet, she confirmed it for me 3 times. I was, in fact, pregnant.

"Wait, so, the HCG was high enough?" I asked. "Are you sure?"

She laughed. "We usually look for a number above 5. Yours was over 500."

I'm still not sure if I heard that right. That seems impossibly high. I thought 50 was normal for this phase of the cycle. I'll have to double check at my next appointment.

But still, it clinched it for me. I was really, truly pregnant.

She gave me some instructions while I cried and tried to breathe, and we set up my next appointment with the clinic. On April 6, I'll go in for my second to last checkup with them, and then it's one more at 9 weeks, then on to my OB... which I don't have yet. After that April checkup I'll start asking my friends who have had babies who their OB was, but for now, I'm just looking forward to April.

I called Carl, and he was incredulous too. It just seemed so impossible that all of this was finally over. 20 months of it, so many no's, and finally a yes. He had a laugh in his voice, though, in stark contrast to my barely controlled crying.

And then I called my mom, because she's been with me every step of the way.

It was funny... I didn't have the reaction I expected. I thought, when the answer was finally yes, that I would be flooded with relief and euphoria.

I wasn't.

Not even close.

Instead, deep pain that I'd been suppressing for almost two years seeped out, finally safe to be felt. The whole day was spent in a confusing mess of the final dregs of disappointment and disbelief. More pain was the very last thing I expected, but that's exactly what happened.

The next day was better... a lot better. I downloaded a pregnancy app, recorded all my symptoms, and looked up pictures of my little blob. That's what my baby is right now - a poppy-seed sized blob. But it's my blob, and I love my little blob with all my heart.

Now, 5 days after the test, it's very real, and I'm euphoric. I'm growing a person, and I can't even begin to tell you how much I love my little person.

Finally, the poking and prodding, the months of hope that ended in blood and pain, everything that has made up the majority of the last 20 months, is somehow, miraculously over.

I finally, finally have a baby.

Beginning of stuff.

So, today is actually May 14, 2015, and I'm backdating this post. It's an explanation.

All the posts about my pregnancy that take place after this one, chronologically, were written on the date they say, and then saved as drafts, to be posted after I made the announcement.

This ends with the post titled, "The Payoff," which I posted almost right after I wrote it.