Today I met god. He lives in New York. I called him from work to tell him we weren't able to process his order, because his credit card declined.
Pretty sure he was high.
"The memories," he said in his slow, slurred speech. "You can't even know the things I remember. The things I've done."
"Um... oh?" I responded as visions of serial killers and/or vampires flashed through my mind. I double checked his location - New York was pretty far away, but I'd still better not give him a reason to take a sudden interest in Utah.
"What would you think," he asked, his voice holding a hint of plea, "if I was the only man on earth? The only one. What would you think?"
Gulp. "Um, well, I think that would be very interesting."
"Interesting," he responded. It sounded like he was caressing the word, turning it around and around in his hands. "I like how you said that. Interesting."
This was about the point where I considered saying, "What? I'm sorry, what was that? I can't hear you. I think your phone is-" *hang up* But, he continued.
"Do you know about King Tut?"
This was weird, but definitely less creepy. "King Tut? Yeah, of course!"
"King Tut was small and frail. Tut was actually a girl disguised as a boy."
"Wow... that's cool." I jumped onto google to see what snopes had to say about that one. Nothing. I couldn't find anything of the sort.
"You know the pyramid of Giza?"
"Yep. I know that one too."
"That's mine."
Heh... yeah. I must truly be in the presence of - or at least on the phone with - someone great. Good think he's a fairly safe 3,000 miles away.
I made sure I had a pleasant smile in my voice, to possibly conceal any hint of irony. "The whole pyramid! Wow. How does that work?"
"I know. It sounds ludicrous, right? But you have to accept who I am. Don't ever lie to me, because I will know immediately. I am the man. You have to accept that. I'm not getting older. I will be young for eternity. I am all-powerful."
**blinkblink**
"Wow."
"I have to find the right woman. I have to choose a girl very, very carefully, and I need to stay out of the spotlight. Do you know Kim Kardashian?"
"Yeeeeaaaaahhhhh..."
"I would never choose Kim Kardashian. She's a fool's choice. A woman who gets married to another man, in the spotlight. No. She's not right for me. Do you know Brad Pitt?"
"Ummmm..."
"Remember when all the women said he was the sexiest man alive? That's me."
"Wow."
"I need you to call me back. Later today, in the afternoon. Can you call me?"
The correct answer would be, "I'm sorry, Sir, but my shift is over, and as soon as I finish here, I'm going to the Northern Mariana Islands. Also, it's my last day. I got a new job plucking geese for head dresses to be worn at the next Ascot races."
What I found myself saying was, "Oh, sure. Of course. Whatever you want."
Could it be he really is all-powerful?
Oh dear...
