Thursday, October 4, 2012

Miscommunication is Key

Dear Beloved Person,

You know how we had that big miscommunication about me booking you a flight out of Jacksonville at 11:30 am, and you telling me a week later that you weren't coming into Jacksonville until after 2:00 pm?

Well... I just wanted to say thank you.  I've never felt so needed, so wonderful, so appreciated!  And just to make sure there are no further miscommunications between us, let me tell you just what you have done for me.

1.) Your sweet attitude reminds me of an innocent 5 year old.  Many a beautiful memory of mine involves babysitting, and you have taken me back to the days of macaroni and cheese that isn't good enough because it doesn't have hot dogs in it.

2.) How did you know I'm a big history buff???  Your treatment of me takes me me back a century and a half.  Pre-abolition.  While I can never truly appreciate the ins and outs of slavery, this must be at least a small piece of what it feels like to be there for the sole pleasure of a master's every whim.

3.) Even though we had a miscommunication about your flights, thank you for emailing me at least twice every day about the same things and ignoring my responses when I answer your questions.  Nevermind that I've assured you three times already that yes, I will copy your upline on the email about your hotel reservations, and nevermind that I told you they wouldn't be done for several days because of difficult communication with Singapore.  When all is said and done, your emails and emails and emails make sure I know what your specific preferences are.  Because, of course, we wouldn't want you to, you know, forward your hotel reservation on to your upline.  That would take far too much effort.

4.) And finally, when you are emailing me further instructions, thank you for never using complete sentences.  It's a real mental challenge for me to figure out if "depart Charlotte" means you are going to book a ticket from Charlotte to Jacksonville or if I am supposed to be booking you out of Charlotte instead of Jacksonville.  It's like Sudoku.  I get all giddy in the face of these brain teasers.  Really, that miscommunication must have been my fault.  I failed the brain teaser you gave me.

I hope I've said it enough, but just in case, THANK YOU!!!  If you'd like, I can send UPS to your home to pick up your tiara so I can polish it for you.  Just say the word!

Love,

Somebody Else's Assistant That You Treat Like Your Slave

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Happy Customer Service Appreciation Week!!!

Every now and then, people crack.

This is known to happen among the customer service profession.  You get that one customer... that one completely awful jerk who just pushes all your wrong buttons... while your supervisor is penning up an essay to you on how you can improve your dismal sales... while your coworker throws grapes at your head.  Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year... until one day...

CRACK.

Today, when Hal came in dressed in Zebra-spandex leggings, a T-Shirt with a Superman-esque "H" drawn on, a red diaper outside his leggings and a cape, I feared for my life.  Hal is a supervisor.  He doesn't even have to deal with the customers.

For a brief moment, curiosity overcame my fear.  What could possibly have caused a supervisor to suffer a complete mental break???  I got up from my desk... my wonderful, non-customer-service desk on the other side of the corporate office, faaaaar away from the customers... and ventured into my old grounds.  Many a torturous day had been spent there, attempting to convince customers that we really were sorry UPS broke their package, and no they would not have to pay return shipping, and yes we would get that replacement out to them as quickly as possible, and for Pete's sake, stop throwing a tantrum!  Holy cow, it's still within our promised 10 days, and I am not part of a conspiracy to take your money and not give you your product!  Grow up!

I deliberately avoided my old desk.  No need to bring those memories back.  Instead I wandered to the side where Hal sits.  There he was, in all his diapered and caped glory.  All I could think was, "Wow, for being so big under that cape, those zebra pants sure make his legs look trim."

But then I saw Ryan.  Ryan is Hal's boss.  He had his hair dyed orange, a straw hat, a fake handle-bar mustache and a fur coat that went to his knees.

Claudio, the training supervisor, was in the process of ridding himself of a sumo suit.  Everyone was calling him cheap and telling him he had to wear it all day.

Craig, Ryan's boss, was dressed as a "sweat pants cowboy."  I don't really even know what that is, but somehow he managed to do it.

Carma, my old supervisor came by.  She always looks fantastic - long, blonde hair styled perfectly, makeup perfect, clothes the pinnacle of style and designed just right for her body type.  She had her hair in curlers, a dumpy, floral dress and apron, lines drawn into her forehead and around her eyes, 80's-hooker eye makeup, and topped it off with a rolling pin as an accessory.

Then there was Tylor, the schedule guy.

He was a banana.

Apparently, they all cracked.

Jeff and Steve had accompanied me on my jaunt through the customer service department.  As Jeff took in Tylor's banana suit, he felt compelled to offer a compliment.

"Wow, Tylor.  That suit is very apeeling."

Tylor shrugged.  "Thanks!  Hal told me earlier there was no way I could top his diaper.  I told him that Depends."

Oh geez.

I snapped a couple pictures, then made my way back to my desk as quickly as I could.  If insanity is contagious, I had to get out of the customer service department post haste.  I know I'm safe here. 

At least... for now.