I got my Health Evaluation Results today. It's some thing my work does every year where they stab you in the arm, laugh maniacally as you bleed, and try to convince you they're "testing" your blood. If your blood makes them laugh maniacally enough, you get a discount on your health insurance.
They took my blood back in November or something like that. Now, almost a year later, they sent me a booklet with the results that I looked up online 1 month after the fact.
My results gave three warnings. THREE!!! Can you BELIEVE it? I'm going to die. I know I am. Slowly. Painfully. It'll probably take close to 60 years, it'll be so slow and painful. All because I had 3 warnings show up from my blood results.
What's wrong with me?
Well, let me tell you.
1.) My TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) was ... gasp!... NORMAL!!!!
However, and I quote, "It is estimated that ten percent of all Americans will eventually develop a thyroid abnormality by the age of fifty. Therefore [they] recommend periodic thyroid testing in the future." Since it's virtually impossible for me to be included in the 90% of all Americans who won't eventually develop a thyroid abnormality by the age of fifty, I am clearly at a high risk for future complications.
2.) My blood test showed a slightly elevated iron level.
NOOOO!!! I have too much iron! "High iron levels are most commonly seen with high intake of iron rich foods and/or excessive use of iron supplements." Do you hear that? Do you know what that means? It's basically a scientific confirmation of the little saying, "You are what you eat." And apparently I eat too much iron. Therefore, I am iron! I am going to become completely made of iron, and look like Victor VonDoom. Or, on a more optimistic note, I may become Iron Ma- ... Woman. Iron Woman. Iron Female? Iron Lady? Irony?
Ahem.
Anyways...
3.) And this is the worst of all, I am at a high risk for sleep apnea while lying down to rest in the afternoon. Not at all when sitting quietly after a lunch without alcohol, or while stopped for a few minutes in traffic. In fact, I'm at no risk at all while sitting and talking to someone, and only a low risk while watching TV. But give me a nap in the afternoon, and that latent sleep apnea is sure to crop up!
When all is said and done, only one conclusion can be drawn from my blood. I am at high risk for being alive, which therefore puts me at high risk of eventual death.
How will I ever survive the next 60 years?
