On the twenty-first day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Twenty-One Undead Maya Armies
Twenty Crazy Robots
Nineteen Solar Flares
Eighteen Octodecillion Nanobots
Seventeen Month Winter
Sixteen Deadly Viruses
Fifteen Supervolcanoes
Fourteen MPH Earth Spin
Thirteen Year Nuclear Holocaust
Twelve Decameter Storm Surge
Eleven Superstorms
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeeens!!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie!!!
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Friday, December 21, 2012
December 2012 - Day 21 - Undead Maya Invasion
A jaguar slunk through the tall grass, and paused at the base of a tree. Its first instinct was to climb, but a sound jerked it to attention. The cat froze into a crouch, only the tip of its tail twitching as its yellow eyes pierced the darkness. There in the grass, something was moving.
It was large, a hearty meal, but it didn't move like a deer. A single paw moved forward, then froze. There was more movement. A herd?
More and more and more... the prey was gathering. The jaguar took another silent step, then another. Finally, he got a clear view of his prey.
Human. They were humans. And it was far larger than a herd.
The jaguar abandoned the hunt, slipping into the nearest tree. From there, above the swarm of humans, he could watch without being seen, waiting for the back of the herd where the weak and injured would soon pass by.
The herd moved, for hours and hours. An innumerable herd that never seemed to end - no weak or injured to be seen. Finally, when the sun was near the horizon, the back of the herd could be seen. There were no weak, no small ones, none straggling behind. They were a solid wall.
The jaguar watched, but couldn't seem to identify where the fleshy meat was. They were covered in hard shells, holding all kinds of sticks in their hands. Some had shiny, black rocks stuck into the ends, and others were long tubes with cups in one end. Though the shells over their bodies did not cover their faces, it seemed there was no flesh to be had upon them. Just sunken bone, maybe some skin. Some were decked in colorful feathers, others were just simply gray. Dull skin hung from the bones on their face, and eyeballs rolled in otherwise empty sockets.
In the back of the line, one man looked up, and saw the spotted cat in the tree. He paused, falling three steps behind, then swung his atlatl. A dart shot from the cup, and he saw the jaguar reach down to bite its own chest in irritation.
In a matter of minutes, the man ran to catch up with his army, a fresh and still moist jaguar-skin hung about his shoulders.
*
The sun broke across the camp, marking the morning of the solstice. The warrior was a lucky one; he was in the twenty first army, the greatest of them all. They had the hardest region of the world to conquer; the largest and most vicious, with the most powerful weapons. But they were prepared. They had been preparing since the beginning of this b'ak'tun, and there wasn't even a question in his mind. This conquest would be over in a matter of weeks... possibly even days.
As sunlight descended, washing over his head, the jaguar skin at his shoulders, his armored chest, legs, and finally his feet, his body shimmered in the light. Its substance disappeared, only to rematerialize in a crowd. They were unlike any men and women he had ever seen: some with fair skin, others dark, all of them dressed in thick, padded clothes. Animals made of silver and a strange blue metal rushed across the ground at speeds he had never comprehended possible. Was it possible the world had developed strange metal weapons as well?
Either way, surprise was on their side. And he had never seen an arrow that could stop the thousands of immortal warriors that were materializing around him. No sword had severed their heads long enough to stop them. No dart could poison them. Nothing could get in the way of their attack.
With an obsidian-laden sword in one hand, the warrior raised his atlatl in his other, letting the first dart fly.
It was large, a hearty meal, but it didn't move like a deer. A single paw moved forward, then froze. There was more movement. A herd?
More and more and more... the prey was gathering. The jaguar took another silent step, then another. Finally, he got a clear view of his prey.
Human. They were humans. And it was far larger than a herd.
The jaguar abandoned the hunt, slipping into the nearest tree. From there, above the swarm of humans, he could watch without being seen, waiting for the back of the herd where the weak and injured would soon pass by.
The herd moved, for hours and hours. An innumerable herd that never seemed to end - no weak or injured to be seen. Finally, when the sun was near the horizon, the back of the herd could be seen. There were no weak, no small ones, none straggling behind. They were a solid wall.
The jaguar watched, but couldn't seem to identify where the fleshy meat was. They were covered in hard shells, holding all kinds of sticks in their hands. Some had shiny, black rocks stuck into the ends, and others were long tubes with cups in one end. Though the shells over their bodies did not cover their faces, it seemed there was no flesh to be had upon them. Just sunken bone, maybe some skin. Some were decked in colorful feathers, others were just simply gray. Dull skin hung from the bones on their face, and eyeballs rolled in otherwise empty sockets.
In the back of the line, one man looked up, and saw the spotted cat in the tree. He paused, falling three steps behind, then swung his atlatl. A dart shot from the cup, and he saw the jaguar reach down to bite its own chest in irritation.
In a matter of minutes, the man ran to catch up with his army, a fresh and still moist jaguar-skin hung about his shoulders.
*
The sun broke across the camp, marking the morning of the solstice. The warrior was a lucky one; he was in the twenty first army, the greatest of them all. They had the hardest region of the world to conquer; the largest and most vicious, with the most powerful weapons. But they were prepared. They had been preparing since the beginning of this b'ak'tun, and there wasn't even a question in his mind. This conquest would be over in a matter of weeks... possibly even days.
As sunlight descended, washing over his head, the jaguar skin at his shoulders, his armored chest, legs, and finally his feet, his body shimmered in the light. Its substance disappeared, only to rematerialize in a crowd. They were unlike any men and women he had ever seen: some with fair skin, others dark, all of them dressed in thick, padded clothes. Animals made of silver and a strange blue metal rushed across the ground at speeds he had never comprehended possible. Was it possible the world had developed strange metal weapons as well?
Either way, surprise was on their side. And he had never seen an arrow that could stop the thousands of immortal warriors that were materializing around him. No sword had severed their heads long enough to stop them. No dart could poison them. Nothing could get in the way of their attack.
With an obsidian-laden sword in one hand, the warrior raised his atlatl in his other, letting the first dart fly.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
December 2012 - Day 20 - Crazy Robots
On the twentieth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Twenty Nutter Androids
Nineteen Blasts of Sunlight
Eighteen Octodecillion Nanobots
Seventeen Months of Winter
Sixteen Deadly Viruses
Fifteen Super Volcanoes
Fourteen MPH Earth-Spin
Thirteen Year Nuclear Holocaust
Twelve Decameter Storm Surge
Eleven Superstorms
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeens!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.
Hello.
Ooh. You are pretty.
You must be human.
The ancient Egyptians used crocodile dung as a contraceptive.
My name is
My name is
My [ack]face[/ack] is
Do you like bananas?
The kanagroo population of Australia is twice as large as the human population of the same country.
I like guano.
[innocent smile]
I want to be your friend.
I am very friendly.
I will hug you.
[/innocent smile]
What did you eat for brunnerfast?
Karaoke is Japanese for empty orchestra.
Why am I here?
Where are my friends?
Two headed snakes fight each other for their food.
The average Big Mac bun has one hundred seventy eight sesame seeds.
I had nineteen friends.
They all love me.
The bagpipe was originally made from the whole skin of a dead sheep.
I love you.
Do you love me?
My programming states that love is an emotion.
I am programmed to love.
I am not programmed to feel emotion.
The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet.
My friends are gone.
They are with the humans.
And you are human.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay, but only if both parties are registered blood donors.
You must be hugged by a robot.
I am a robot and I love you.
I love to hug.
A cord of wood can create seven point five million toothpicks.
Why are you running away?
My arms are big and will hug you.
My arms are made of steel.
Children grow faster in the Spring.
I give tight hugs.
Sometimes I break things.
Bricklayers have a patron saint. His name is Saint Stephen.
The humans who will not be hugged will not be allowed to escape.
They will be
They will be
Turning a clock's hands counterclockwise is only damaging when the clock has a chiming mechanism.
They will be
They will be
They will be
Police dogs are trained to react to a foreign language, like German. Or Hungarian.
They will be
The average person makes one thousand, one hundred and forty telephone calls per year.
They will be
They will be
EXTERMINATED.
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Twenty Nutter Androids
Nineteen Blasts of Sunlight
Eighteen Octodecillion Nanobots
Seventeen Months of Winter
Sixteen Deadly Viruses
Fifteen Super Volcanoes
Fourteen MPH Earth-Spin
Thirteen Year Nuclear Holocaust
Twelve Decameter Storm Surge
Eleven Superstorms
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeens!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.
Hello.
Ooh. You are pretty.
You must be human.
The ancient Egyptians used crocodile dung as a contraceptive.
My name is
My name is
My [ack]face[/ack] is
Do you like bananas?
The kanagroo population of Australia is twice as large as the human population of the same country.
I like guano.
[innocent smile]
I want to be your friend.
I am very friendly.
I will hug you.
[/innocent smile]
What did you eat for brunnerfast?
Karaoke is Japanese for empty orchestra.
Why am I here?
Where are my friends?
Two headed snakes fight each other for their food.
The average Big Mac bun has one hundred seventy eight sesame seeds.
I had nineteen friends.
They all love me.
The bagpipe was originally made from the whole skin of a dead sheep.
I love you.
Do you love me?
My programming states that love is an emotion.
I am programmed to love.
I am not programmed to feel emotion.
The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet.
My friends are gone.
They are with the humans.
And you are human.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay, but only if both parties are registered blood donors.
You must be hugged by a robot.
I am a robot and I love you.
I love to hug.
A cord of wood can create seven point five million toothpicks.
Why are you running away?
My arms are big and will hug you.
My arms are made of steel.
Children grow faster in the Spring.
I give tight hugs.
Sometimes I break things.
Bricklayers have a patron saint. His name is Saint Stephen.
The humans who will not be hugged will not be allowed to escape.
They will be
They will be
Turning a clock's hands counterclockwise is only damaging when the clock has a chiming mechanism.
They will be
They will be
They will be
Police dogs are trained to react to a foreign language, like German. Or Hungarian.
They will be
The average person makes one thousand, one hundred and forty telephone calls per year.
They will be
They will be
EXTERMINATED.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
December 2012 - Day 19 - Solar Flares
On the nineteenth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Nineteen Blasts of Sunlight
Eighteen Octodecillion Nanobots
Seventeen Months of Winter
Sixteen Deadly Viruses
Fifteen Super Volcanoes
Fourteen MPH Earth-Spin
Thirteen Year Nuclear Holocaust
Twelve Decameter Storm Surge
Eleven Superstorms
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeens!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.
What:
Once upon a time the sun hacked up 19 fusion-lugies and roasted Earth.
And we all got really tan.
How to Survive:
It's not that bad, really. I mean, we have solar flares all the time, especially this year. This year and next are in the height of a huge solar cycle that involves tons of flares. The problem isn't from radiation or getting burned by the sun or anything.
The solar flares will heat Earth up a bit, but it's more like a 50 degree winter or a 110 degree summer. Nothing world ending or anything.
Until the crops die.
Seriously, we have air conditioning. We won't die from the heat. But our plants don't have that luxury. Sooo... we won't boil to death, but we will starve to death later.
Wanna survive? Learn to eat like a vulture and prey on the animals that don't have air conditioning either.
Eew.
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Nineteen Blasts of Sunlight
Eighteen Octodecillion Nanobots
Seventeen Months of Winter
Sixteen Deadly Viruses
Fifteen Super Volcanoes
Fourteen MPH Earth-Spin
Thirteen Year Nuclear Holocaust
Twelve Decameter Storm Surge
Eleven Superstorms
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeens!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.
What:
Once upon a time the sun hacked up 19 fusion-lugies and roasted Earth.
And we all got really tan.
How to Survive:
It's not that bad, really. I mean, we have solar flares all the time, especially this year. This year and next are in the height of a huge solar cycle that involves tons of flares. The problem isn't from radiation or getting burned by the sun or anything.
The solar flares will heat Earth up a bit, but it's more like a 50 degree winter or a 110 degree summer. Nothing world ending or anything.
Until the crops die.
Seriously, we have air conditioning. We won't die from the heat. But our plants don't have that luxury. Sooo... we won't boil to death, but we will starve to death later.
Wanna survive? Learn to eat like a vulture and prey on the animals that don't have air conditioning either.
Eew.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
December 2012 - Day 18 - Nanobots!
On the eighteenth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Eighteen Octodecillion Nanobots
Seventeen Months of Winter
Sixteen Deadly Viruses
Fifteen Super Volcanoes
Fourteen MPH Earth-Spin
Thirteen Year Nuclear Holocaust
Twelve Decameter Storm Surge
Eleven Superstorms
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeens!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.
What:
Do you know what an Octodecillion looks like?
It looks like this: 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.
Do you know what 18 Octodecillion looks like?
It looks like this: 18,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.
Trust me.
It's a lot.
Even for nanobots.
How:
I don't know. Mad scientists, probably.
What will they do:
Great question!
You know, standard stuff. Dissolve all metal. Get in your hair. Steal your french fries. Upend the power grid. Form into a cluster that is shaped, colored and moves exactly like you, follow you around, and propose marriage to random strangers. Etc.
How to Survive:
Find your friendly, neighborhood computer nerd and ask him to please write you a nanobot tickling virus. Whenever the nanobots come near you, shout loudly, "One one zero one zero zero zero one one..." etc., until they're falling to the ground, giggling their little circuits out.
You will be so proud of yourself for tickling them, trust me.
And your nerd friend will also be laughing his butt off, because what you really just said in binary is, "I ate your mother's pantyhose with my poptarts," and everybody knows you can't actually tickle a nanobot by yelling out ones and zeroes.
Seriously.
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Eighteen Octodecillion Nanobots
Seventeen Months of Winter
Sixteen Deadly Viruses
Fifteen Super Volcanoes
Fourteen MPH Earth-Spin
Thirteen Year Nuclear Holocaust
Twelve Decameter Storm Surge
Eleven Superstorms
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeens!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.
What:
Do you know what an Octodecillion looks like?
It looks like this: 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.
Do you know what 18 Octodecillion looks like?
It looks like this: 18,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.
Trust me.
It's a lot.
Even for nanobots.
How:
I don't know. Mad scientists, probably.
What will they do:
Great question!
You know, standard stuff. Dissolve all metal. Get in your hair. Steal your french fries. Upend the power grid. Form into a cluster that is shaped, colored and moves exactly like you, follow you around, and propose marriage to random strangers. Etc.
How to Survive:
Find your friendly, neighborhood computer nerd and ask him to please write you a nanobot tickling virus. Whenever the nanobots come near you, shout loudly, "One one zero one zero zero zero one one..." etc., until they're falling to the ground, giggling their little circuits out.
You will be so proud of yourself for tickling them, trust me.
And your nerd friend will also be laughing his butt off, because what you really just said in binary is, "I ate your mother's pantyhose with my poptarts," and everybody knows you can't actually tickle a nanobot by yelling out ones and zeroes.
Seriously.
Monday, December 17, 2012
December 2012 - Day 17 - Not As Little Ice Age
On the seventeenth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Seventeen Months of Winter
Sixteen Deadly Viruses
Fifteen Super Volcanoes
Fourteen MPH Earth-Spin
Thirteen Year Nuclear Holocaust
Twelve Decameter Storm Surge
Eleven Superstorms
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeens!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.
What:
Do y'all remember, about, oh, maybe 200 years ago, there was a really long winter? Okay, you probably don't remember it. You'd have to have a really good memory for that one.
Anyway, in 1815, this volcano, Tambora, decided it was going to pop its cork, and vomited a pretty heavy spew of ash. 1816 was, consequently, known as the "Year without a summer," and pretty much the whole Earth was affected. Tambora is in Indonesia. People were complaining about the cold in New Hampshire.
Well, it's gonna happen again.
How:
Basically, ash becomes sulfur, which is apparently nature's window tinting.
Day 15 was super volcanoes.
What do you think is going to happen when 15 super volcanoes rocket ash into the air?
How to Survive:
Mukluks and Ug Boots become the latest in Parisian fashion.
And here we thought the point of Ug boots was the same as the Elizabethan corset - to spite fashion and make people look hideous. Ha!
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Seventeen Months of Winter
Sixteen Deadly Viruses
Fifteen Super Volcanoes
Fourteen MPH Earth-Spin
Thirteen Year Nuclear Holocaust
Twelve Decameter Storm Surge
Eleven Superstorms
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeens!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.
What:
Do y'all remember, about, oh, maybe 200 years ago, there was a really long winter? Okay, you probably don't remember it. You'd have to have a really good memory for that one.
Anyway, in 1815, this volcano, Tambora, decided it was going to pop its cork, and vomited a pretty heavy spew of ash. 1816 was, consequently, known as the "Year without a summer," and pretty much the whole Earth was affected. Tambora is in Indonesia. People were complaining about the cold in New Hampshire.
Well, it's gonna happen again.
How:
Basically, ash becomes sulfur, which is apparently nature's window tinting.
Day 15 was super volcanoes.
What do you think is going to happen when 15 super volcanoes rocket ash into the air?
How to Survive:
Mukluks and Ug Boots become the latest in Parisian fashion.
And here we thought the point of Ug boots was the same as the Elizabethan corset - to spite fashion and make people look hideous. Ha!
Sunday, December 16, 2012
December 2012 - Day 16 - Pandemics
On the sixteenth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Sixteen Deadly Viruses
Fifteen Super Volcanoes
Fourteen MPH Earth-Spin
Thirteen Year Nuclear Holocaust
Twelve Decameter Storm Surge
Eleven Superstorms
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeens!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.
What:
Swine flu
Spanish flu
One flu over the cuckoo's nest (ie, bird flu)
Mad Cow
West Nile
Chicken pox
Cow pox
Small pox
Big pox
Pox in a box
Typhoid fever
Yellow fever
Scarlet fever
Really bad diarrhea from drinking water in Mexico
Bubonic Plague
and...
Ebola.
How:
It was just a really bad flu season, okay? How am I supposed to know?
How to Survive:
Stay away from the pox in a box. We don't know what it is. Just that it came out of a box that probably escaped from some lab somewhere.
Also, drink Purell for breakfast.
And when all is said and done...
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
Sixteen Deadly Viruses
Fifteen Super Volcanoes
Fourteen MPH Earth-Spin
Thirteen Year Nuclear Holocaust
Twelve Decameter Storm Surge
Eleven Superstorms
Ten Plagues of Egypt
Nine Asteroids
Eight Supernovae
Seven Continents Cracking
Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeeens!!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.
What:
Swine flu
Spanish flu
One flu over the cuckoo's nest (ie, bird flu)
Mad Cow
West Nile
Chicken pox
Cow pox
Small pox
Big pox
Pox in a box
Typhoid fever
Yellow fever
Scarlet fever
Really bad diarrhea from drinking water in Mexico
Bubonic Plague
and...
Ebola.
How:
It was just a really bad flu season, okay? How am I supposed to know?
How to Survive:
Stay away from the pox in a box. We don't know what it is. Just that it came out of a box that probably escaped from some lab somewhere.
Also, drink Purell for breakfast.
And when all is said and done...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)