I got a library notification. I need to bring 6 books back before a week has passed, or they will be overdue.
Oh yeah! I have library books! I kinda forgot about that, since I decided not to write my paper on that topic anyway. They've just been sitting by my bookshelf for the past 3 weeks, gathering dust... and papers... and clothes... and everything else that I keep looking at and thinking, "Okay, when I have an hour of free time, I'm going to clean that up." Since they're at the bottom of my pile (I brought them home after my last hour of free time), it's no wonder I forgot about them - they're pretty much invisible.
So, as I was preparing for school, I took all 6 of those books, along with my scriptures (Isaiah class tonight), my notebook, my purse, my stapler, my netbook, my netbook cord, my cell phone, my mp3 player, my little writing notebook, some makeup, my checkbook and a couple other random things... but the main point of that is the 6 books... yes, I know you were DYING to know everything I carry in my messenger bag... and started off to school.
I made it about 5 steps out of the car before I heard a voice - a deep, maniacal, laughing voice - emanate from my bag.
"You have to carry me ALL the way to the library!" it cried triumphantly. "The pain of Atlas as he held the world on his shoulders is nothing - NOTHING - compared to what you will endure as you lug all of these books to the library!"
I whimpered, and pressed on.
With every step, the messenger bag's strap dug deeper into my shoulder, and the books seemed to get heavier and heavier. It started out weighing about 106.3 lbs, but by the time I was half way across campus, it had increased to 3.7 tons.
But there, ahead, was the library!
As soon as it came into view, a thought popped into my head.
I need a man. Somebody with about 30x my physical strength who can pick up my bag with his pinky. I would like him to follow me around and lift/carry things for me. I wouldn't like to date such a man, because this to me sounds servile, and with little or no personality, but I would like to have one.
And then it dawned on me.
I need servants! It's so obvious! My personality is not made for such menial tasks as lugging books to the library.
It was a defining moment for myself, in which I determined I was done with hard work. No more shall I fight for the stupid struggles of life! My only struggle will be the attainment of power, which will allow me to have all the servants I could ever want. They can take care of the little things in life. In fact, they can even carry me around in a liter on their shoulders.
No longer do I need an hour of free time. "You there," I will say to one of them, with a wave of my hand. I won't bother to learn his name. It is unimportant for my life or future attainment of power. "Clean up that mess." Then I will turn to another. "You there. I feel as though I am wilting. Pick me up and place me in the sunshine."
I have joked of such things before, but now it is real. This is my true goal, the direction my life shall take.
So thank you, 6 library books that I had to carry in my bag. Thank you for the pain and struggle you caused me. Just as Scarlett O'Hara turned her trials into a lesson, defined the rest of her life by them ("If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill, as God is my witness I'll never be hungry again!"), this was a defining moment in my life, and my character is forever altered by it.
Εσύ δεν το έπιασες καθόλου
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Overcoming Anorexia in Toddlers - A Self Help Article for the Babysitters and the Babysat Alike
Sophie has apparently decided she's anorexic. In the past, food had typically been a source of great enjoyment for her, usually because it not only tastes good, but it also doubles as a fashion statement. Now, well, I guess she got sick of me blowing raspberries on her belly or squeezing her squishy thighs, and decided starving herself was the solution.
I knew my niece was in trouble the day she refused her bottle. Her bottle! She not only shook her head emphatically when I held it out to her, but actually burst into tears when I tried to tempt her by putting the nipple against her lips.
There isn't a responsible Auntie in the universe that wouldn't be concerned by such behavior. I immediately set about looking for a solution.
So, bottle was out. I'd managed to get about half a thing of mango banana baby food in her, but that was hardly enough to sustain energy and life. I moved to the next great idea - apple juice in a fun, pink and green sippy cup. Surely, what baby can resist such a pretty package?!
It worked!
Sort of.
She sure liked the package, alright! She grabbed that sippy cup, shook it upside down and all around, and attempted to feed me with it. I think a grand total of about 3 drops made it into her mouth, which then proceeded to flow out in the stream of drool that was making its way into her shirt collar.
Sippy cup fail.
Next I tried a bit of psychology. I picked up the bottle she had rejected, stuck it in my own mouth, and said, "Mmmm! Yummy yummy warm milk!" Then I held the bottle up to her again, but got yet another emphatic shake of the head.
For the record, warm milk is NOT yummy yummy.
Next came peer pressure. Now, I know it's controversial to suggest using peer pressure for positive reinforcement of a principle, but this is not peer pressure in its commonly conceived sense. That kind of peer pressure, the kind that encourages young children to smoke pot and get pregnant, consists of expressing derision and contempt toward the subject. I prefer to think of my methods - using the "everyone's doing it" device - as showing popular support for the cause.
I went to the kitchen, and returned with an orange, which I then proceeded to peel. While peeling, I made sure to express great desire and admiration for the citrus ball of deliciosity ("Oooh! Doesn't this look YUMMY, Sophie? Mmmm! I can't WAIT to try this yummmmmmmmmy orange!") Then, I pulled off one of the pieces and popped it in my mouth.
"Wow! This is so yummy! Here. Eat one."
Another head shake. Then she grabbed the orange out of my hand, and held it up to me to eat.
At least she knows how to share.
Well, I'm trying to make her think everyone's doing it, aren't I?
So, I bit off the end and ate it, hoping she's stick the rest in her mouth. Instead she took the remaining slice of orange, and smashed it into my lips.
Peer pressure fail.
I did manage to get a few pieces into her mouth, and she chewed them happily, once they passed the lips.
In fact, one piece of orange remained in her mouth for over 5 minutes. I was a little concerned about that, until she opened her mouth wide and I saw it was a solid piece of pulp.
That child needs molars.
Luckily, she washed it down with a nice gulp of juice! From the sippy cup!
Victory!
And then, just a mere hour later, she shoveled down the rest of the mango/bananas, plus a container of ham 'n' gravy... which smelled disturbingly like a can of cat food... AND the bottle she'd refused earlier. And, to top it off, she even used my sleeve as a napkin, tenderly resting her head on my shoulder, and being sure to wipe off her mango/bananas on the way down.
So, if we can learn a lesson from this, it's that toddlers really do like to eat. If your baby is displaying anorexic tendencies, simply wait in out. Be patient. Eventually, since they have the attention span of ADHD puppies, babies will forget they're not intending to eat, and the little "Feed me!" voice in their tummy will win out.
So be patient with your baby! That is the only way to overcome the growing plague of infant anorexia.
I knew my niece was in trouble the day she refused her bottle. Her bottle! She not only shook her head emphatically when I held it out to her, but actually burst into tears when I tried to tempt her by putting the nipple against her lips.
There isn't a responsible Auntie in the universe that wouldn't be concerned by such behavior. I immediately set about looking for a solution.
So, bottle was out. I'd managed to get about half a thing of mango banana baby food in her, but that was hardly enough to sustain energy and life. I moved to the next great idea - apple juice in a fun, pink and green sippy cup. Surely, what baby can resist such a pretty package?!
It worked!
Sort of.
She sure liked the package, alright! She grabbed that sippy cup, shook it upside down and all around, and attempted to feed me with it. I think a grand total of about 3 drops made it into her mouth, which then proceeded to flow out in the stream of drool that was making its way into her shirt collar.
Sippy cup fail.
Next I tried a bit of psychology. I picked up the bottle she had rejected, stuck it in my own mouth, and said, "Mmmm! Yummy yummy warm milk!" Then I held the bottle up to her again, but got yet another emphatic shake of the head.
For the record, warm milk is NOT yummy yummy.
Next came peer pressure. Now, I know it's controversial to suggest using peer pressure for positive reinforcement of a principle, but this is not peer pressure in its commonly conceived sense. That kind of peer pressure, the kind that encourages young children to smoke pot and get pregnant, consists of expressing derision and contempt toward the subject. I prefer to think of my methods - using the "everyone's doing it" device - as showing popular support for the cause.
I went to the kitchen, and returned with an orange, which I then proceeded to peel. While peeling, I made sure to express great desire and admiration for the citrus ball of deliciosity ("Oooh! Doesn't this look YUMMY, Sophie? Mmmm! I can't WAIT to try this yummmmmmmmmy orange!") Then, I pulled off one of the pieces and popped it in my mouth.
"Wow! This is so yummy! Here. Eat one."
Another head shake. Then she grabbed the orange out of my hand, and held it up to me to eat.
At least she knows how to share.
Well, I'm trying to make her think everyone's doing it, aren't I?
So, I bit off the end and ate it, hoping she's stick the rest in her mouth. Instead she took the remaining slice of orange, and smashed it into my lips.
Peer pressure fail.
I did manage to get a few pieces into her mouth, and she chewed them happily, once they passed the lips.
In fact, one piece of orange remained in her mouth for over 5 minutes. I was a little concerned about that, until she opened her mouth wide and I saw it was a solid piece of pulp.
That child needs molars.
Luckily, she washed it down with a nice gulp of juice! From the sippy cup!
Victory!
And then, just a mere hour later, she shoveled down the rest of the mango/bananas, plus a container of ham 'n' gravy... which smelled disturbingly like a can of cat food... AND the bottle she'd refused earlier. And, to top it off, she even used my sleeve as a napkin, tenderly resting her head on my shoulder, and being sure to wipe off her mango/bananas on the way down.
So, if we can learn a lesson from this, it's that toddlers really do like to eat. If your baby is displaying anorexic tendencies, simply wait in out. Be patient. Eventually, since they have the attention span of ADHD puppies, babies will forget they're not intending to eat, and the little "Feed me!" voice in their tummy will win out.
So be patient with your baby! That is the only way to overcome the growing plague of infant anorexia.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
*Twitch* *Twitch*
Alright, it's official. I'm breaking down. I figured this semester would show me my limits, and, well... my limit was today.
What happened? Well, I'll tell you.
So, luckily, my babysitting got cut down from 5 days a week to 3, making Tuesdays and Thursdays sweet havens of relief for my sanity. This was especially helpful, because this week is... well... it's this week. In addition to my regular readings (and the subsequent daily writing assignments and quizzes on them), I also had a paper due, a midterm, and an outline/bibliography for one of my 10 page research papers (which means I have to do a significant amount of the research, and figure out not only what I'm going to write about, but what I'm going to write. Sounds hard, right? But, it gets better. This research paper is starting from the "scratch" point of no topic whatsoever, because I decided my topic is cliché and lame. Yeah, eat that, life).
So, I started planning. Write paper on Saturday, read up on Islamic side of the Crusades story Saturday night and hopefully identify a new topic, study for midterm Monday night, take midterm Tuesday morning, go to library between midterm and class to come up with books on my new topic, go to class, go to work, do my England history reading homework/writing assignment, go to bed. That's just the first two days of the week, then I have to fit the outline/bibliography into Wednesday and Thursday morning, because it's due at 1:35 on Thursday.
Hectic, yes. But, doable.
Actually, no.
Why?
Because of life.
Saturday - I got started late. I forgot it was conference week while I was doing my planning, so I had less time. But, my favorite nerd saved me and threw me a wild and raving nerd party! (A nerd party consists of two people sitting on a couch, ignoring each other, doing their homework.) I didn't get a topic figured out, but I did get my paper written.
Monday - I got my daily reading/writing work done while babysitting, went to class, went to work... and got a call from Clarke.
"Hey, Lauren is sick. Can you babysit tomorrow?"
Okay, rethink. Caro will be back by 10:30 - I still have time to take the test before class, and if I study REALLY hard tonight, I'll still have a little bit of time left to come up with a topic - and I can do a late night in the library.
Then I get home. Time to study. My computer is broke. I have no access to the Internet.
Dear life,
I HATE YOU!!!!
So, it's off to Kunkee's apartment, with the desperate plea: "Please fix my netbook!" I hoped it would be a matter of simple nerd magic, but alas, it took until midnight. I made it to bed at 1:00, and got up 6 hours later, which was better than the night before, in which I got 4 hours of sleep.
So, it's now Tuesday. I'm running on sleep deprivation. I have to study, choose a topic, and get to the library, while simultaneously entertaining, feeding, and changing the cheese-bomb diapers of my niece.
So, I'm lying on the giant bean bag, only semi-conscious, trying to keep awake enough to make sure Sophie stays out of trouble. She's behind me, playing in the toy box.
THWAP!
A hard, plastic toy flew over my head and slammed onto my lip... followed by a giggle.
Ouch.
That wasn't very nice.
The baby abused me.
Begin breakdown.
I started bawling, crying out, "I can't handle it! I can't do this anymore!" You know, the kind of stuff you cry to either your mother or a therapist... except that I was saying it to the baby. "Soooophiiiiiiiiiieeeeeee! I caaaaaaan't! I caaaaaaan't! Bwwaaaaaaaaaa!"
And here I was supposed to be the adult.
But no, baby Sophie stepped up to the plate. She climbed up on the bean bag and laid her cheek on my chest, essentially saying, "It's okay, Auntie Banana. I feel that way sometimes too, especially after I dribble drool into my diaper and get a rash from my chin to my butt cheeks." It was very sweet, and a truly comforting experience.
Fortunately, I survived that half of the morning. Then Caro came home (with donuts!), and I left to go study.
But, the break down already happened. Now... now that I'm over the edge, well... nobody knows what might happen next.
For example, a while ago, I ordered Jurassic Park. It got here today! I opened my package ("PACKAGE! I GOT MAIL! Ooh! I got lots of mail! OHBOYOHBOYOHBOY!!!!!") and saw the pretty cover. Then I pulled the DVD case off, and saw a picture of a dinosaur.
Aubry was the only one unlucky enough to be present.
"Aubry! Look! It's a DINOSAUR! There's a DINOSAUR on my movie!!! Heeheeheeheehee! Oh boy! I can't wait to watch the dinosaurs! I love dinosaurs!"
Seriously, the last time a tyrannosaurus rex got me THAT excited, I was five.
But really, I do love dinosaurs.
OOH! And guess what! I GET FREE LUNCH AT WORK TODAY!!! Yesterday I got free hot dogs, but today it's PULLED PORK!!! Yes, me! I'm feeding you pulled pork today, and IT'S FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! Ohboyohboyohboyohboy!!!!
Hopefully, I don't run in circles and smack into the wall.
Nah, that wouldn't happen!
We hope.
What happened? Well, I'll tell you.
So, luckily, my babysitting got cut down from 5 days a week to 3, making Tuesdays and Thursdays sweet havens of relief for my sanity. This was especially helpful, because this week is... well... it's this week. In addition to my regular readings (and the subsequent daily writing assignments and quizzes on them), I also had a paper due, a midterm, and an outline/bibliography for one of my 10 page research papers (which means I have to do a significant amount of the research, and figure out not only what I'm going to write about, but what I'm going to write. Sounds hard, right? But, it gets better. This research paper is starting from the "scratch" point of no topic whatsoever, because I decided my topic is cliché and lame. Yeah, eat that, life).
So, I started planning. Write paper on Saturday, read up on Islamic side of the Crusades story Saturday night and hopefully identify a new topic, study for midterm Monday night, take midterm Tuesday morning, go to library between midterm and class to come up with books on my new topic, go to class, go to work, do my England history reading homework/writing assignment, go to bed. That's just the first two days of the week, then I have to fit the outline/bibliography into Wednesday and Thursday morning, because it's due at 1:35 on Thursday.
Hectic, yes. But, doable.
Actually, no.
Why?
Because of life.
Saturday - I got started late. I forgot it was conference week while I was doing my planning, so I had less time. But, my favorite nerd saved me and threw me a wild and raving nerd party! (A nerd party consists of two people sitting on a couch, ignoring each other, doing their homework.) I didn't get a topic figured out, but I did get my paper written.
Monday - I got my daily reading/writing work done while babysitting, went to class, went to work... and got a call from Clarke.
"Hey, Lauren is sick. Can you babysit tomorrow?"
Okay, rethink. Caro will be back by 10:30 - I still have time to take the test before class, and if I study REALLY hard tonight, I'll still have a little bit of time left to come up with a topic - and I can do a late night in the library.
Then I get home. Time to study. My computer is broke. I have no access to the Internet.
Dear life,
I HATE YOU!!!!
So, it's off to Kunkee's apartment, with the desperate plea: "Please fix my netbook!" I hoped it would be a matter of simple nerd magic, but alas, it took until midnight. I made it to bed at 1:00, and got up 6 hours later, which was better than the night before, in which I got 4 hours of sleep.
So, it's now Tuesday. I'm running on sleep deprivation. I have to study, choose a topic, and get to the library, while simultaneously entertaining, feeding, and changing the cheese-bomb diapers of my niece.
So, I'm lying on the giant bean bag, only semi-conscious, trying to keep awake enough to make sure Sophie stays out of trouble. She's behind me, playing in the toy box.
THWAP!
A hard, plastic toy flew over my head and slammed onto my lip... followed by a giggle.
Ouch.
That wasn't very nice.
The baby abused me.
Begin breakdown.
I started bawling, crying out, "I can't handle it! I can't do this anymore!" You know, the kind of stuff you cry to either your mother or a therapist... except that I was saying it to the baby. "Soooophiiiiiiiiiieeeeeee! I caaaaaaan't! I caaaaaaan't! Bwwaaaaaaaaaa!"
And here I was supposed to be the adult.
But no, baby Sophie stepped up to the plate. She climbed up on the bean bag and laid her cheek on my chest, essentially saying, "It's okay, Auntie Banana. I feel that way sometimes too, especially after I dribble drool into my diaper and get a rash from my chin to my butt cheeks." It was very sweet, and a truly comforting experience.
Fortunately, I survived that half of the morning. Then Caro came home (with donuts!), and I left to go study.
But, the break down already happened. Now... now that I'm over the edge, well... nobody knows what might happen next.
For example, a while ago, I ordered Jurassic Park. It got here today! I opened my package ("PACKAGE! I GOT MAIL! Ooh! I got lots of mail! OHBOYOHBOYOHBOY!!!!!") and saw the pretty cover. Then I pulled the DVD case off, and saw a picture of a dinosaur.
Aubry was the only one unlucky enough to be present.
"Aubry! Look! It's a DINOSAUR! There's a DINOSAUR on my movie!!! Heeheeheeheehee! Oh boy! I can't wait to watch the dinosaurs! I love dinosaurs!"
Seriously, the last time a tyrannosaurus rex got me THAT excited, I was five.
But really, I do love dinosaurs.
OOH! And guess what! I GET FREE LUNCH AT WORK TODAY!!! Yesterday I got free hot dogs, but today it's PULLED PORK!!! Yes, me! I'm feeding you pulled pork today, and IT'S FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! Ohboyohboyohboyohboy!!!!
Hopefully, I don't run in circles and smack into the wall.
Nah, that wouldn't happen!
We hope.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Grrrrrrr....
GRRR! GRR!GRR!GRR! RAR! Grr on you, grr on the other you, and just grrrrrrr!!!!! Plus, I have a headache.
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