December 2012 - Day 6 - Really Big Earthquake

On the sixth day of the apocalypse
My true love said to me:
Oh look...
A Six Hour Long Earthquake
Fiiiiiiive Alieeeeeeens!!!
Four Dinosaurs
Three Hitlers
Two Poles that Shift
And it seems I've become a zombie.

What:

Planet Earth throws a dance party.


How:

Most earthquakes last for a few minutes.  A chunk of tectonic plate falls off another chunk of tectonic plate, and it takes a little bit to settle.  So, one tectonic plate decides to shift.  And not just shift... I mean like kerthunk.  And it makes an earthquake.  9.8 on the Richter scale.  It happens, not on the San Andreas, but on the New Madrid fault.  A big earthquake there can shake clear to the East Coast.

That earthquake rumbles pretty much most of North America... setting off all the faults along the West Coast.

Over in the South Pacific, Indonesia gets really excited and throws some red confetti in the air.

The red confetti lands on an Apollo shark minnow, which promptly bursts into flame, and gets eaten by a barbecue loving swamp eel... who then gets roasted by the massive, lava-spewing hole that opened up beneath him.

And look out, ladies and gentlemen!  The Ring of Fire is actually on fire.

One by one, the faults of the world go off.

And by the time it's done, it's been several hours, and most people have lost all ability to walk straight.  The latest craze is a brand new Kinect game called "Wave Jump," where, instead of jumping over water waves with a jet ski, you are jumping over masses of land that happen to be rolling beneath you.


How to Survive:

So, there's this little patch of land in Northwestern Missouri where you will find Kansas City.  It's sitting on top of a bed of coal that absorbs pretty much all shock waves.  There are also no volcanoes there.  Or Hurricanes.  Occasionally the Missouri river will spill over into its floodplains, but the only people affected by that are the ones idiotic enough to build their house in a freaking floodplain.

Oh, but you have to look out for the tornadoes too, but only if you live in a trailer park.

So yeah.  Everybody wishing to survive the earthquake can congregate in Kansas City, ride a bull, and eat some barbecue.

This apocalypse thing isn't sounding so bad.