Today is Veteran's Day. I didn't know this until I went to campus and saw the flag at half mast. When I bumped into my friend I asked, "Who died?" and some random guy walking by informed me of the holiday... which my friend and I determined should mean we have the day off classes... right? Right? Riiiiiiiight??? Seriously, BYU, we don't get the day off??? What kind of unpatriotic/non-federal-holiday supporting school is this??? (says the girl who had to go to Wikipedia to find out why Veteran's Day was in November, and not July... or possibly February... like she thought. For the record, I now know that it is commemorating the signing of the armistice on 11/11/18, at 11:00 am, thereby ending WWI with a crap treaty that really left Germany in the dump and set the stage for WWII... according to my world history class, anyway. I never actually looked at the treaty myself. This tangent has been brought to you by the letter B, the number 3, and viewers like you.)
**Ahem**
Anyway, as I was walking by the administration building where the flag was billowing at half mast, I saw two soldiers in suits. Despite the fact that they were in suits, not uniform, I knew they were soldiers. How did I know this? Well, because they were standing with their hands behind their back... not. moving. a. muscle. I kid you not, these guys' eyeballs weren't even twitching. I'm not entirely sure if they were breathing. Totally still. I'll admit, I was impressed. They were standing on either side of the flag, guarding a white flower wreath, looking like literal statues.
As I continued on my way to the library, I had a thought. "How the heck do those people do that???" I mean seriously! I have trouble just sitting in one chair for more than an hour, much less not even twitching. That must be torture! What are they looking at? What goes through their heads? Are they allowed to daydream, or are their brains as immobile as their bodies?
I'll just say I really hope they didn't go into the army for the excitement of it, because that has go to be THE single most boring job in the universe. Can you imagine? You see the Marine Corps commercials with the very ripped and dirt smudged guy leaping over flames, swimming through alligator infested waters, and climbing a sheer cliff to stand victorious at the top, where he is honored with the uniform and a sword (which he will clearly be needing on the front lines), and you think, "Now THAT is a man. What trials he must have suffered to be able to climb that cliff! He truly earned his uniform and sword!" Then, burning with passionate and patriotic fire, you enlist. The beginning is promising - you're certainly suffering. Boot camp, where they scream in your face and make you scrub the floor with a toothbrush. But, you make it through!
Finally! You are ready to be a true man now!
You're waiting for your first assignment. What will it be? You've trained long and hard for this moment - a chance to use those bulging (though not quite as much as the guy in the commercial) muscles, suffer hunger and fatigue while you fight for your country! You'll get to test your strength, push yourself to the max!
Your commanding officer approaches.
This is it!
"Alright, I want you to go stand out by that flower wreath over there, and don't move a muscle."
Really?
At this point, the proverbial young warrior in the story is thinking, "I enlisted and went through boot camp... for this?"
But, being the good soldier he is, he goes and stands by the wreath.
People are walking by.
He can't look, because that would require turning his eyeballs.
People are talking, and he can only catch snatches of their words.
He can't listen, because that would require turning his head.
He's bored.
A little kid is hiding in the bushes directly in front of the soldier, sticking his face out, tongue wiggling around his face... he goes back in... he comes back out with crossed eyes and fish lips... the soldier knows he's trying to make him laugh... back in... back out with his fingers pulling his lips wide away from his teeth... the soldier's stomach is cramping from the effort of not laughing... the kid goes back in, and his cheeks come back out... but not those cheeks...
I'm sorry, but the life of a soldier in Utah has got to be the single most boring thing in this universe. Really, dude, you're guarding flowers. Mmmmm, enthralling!
Well, at least it's not a war. Peace, love and flowers, people... especially the flowers.
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