I Pretty Much Only Bog When I'm Trying to Fix Myself Anymore

 Title says it all, I guess.

I skimmed through the last entry I put on this blog, and I was still trying to have another baby. The whole "trying again" thing was mostly the denial phase of the miscarriage. 

For the record, it worked. Kind of. I got pregnant. I miscarried again. I took some time to properly grieve. I haven't been able to get pregnant since. I'm now looking at the future of being a 3-kid family. I'm not 100% committed to that, but so far it's looking like that's what it's going to be. Maybe in the future I'll adopt from the system, which is free, but VERY emotionally fraught. 

That update is just a follow up to my last post. It's not why I'm here today.

I just wanted to check in. I wanted to be someone who puts my thoughts out on the Internet, for whatever reason. I don't have an audience, but there's always the chance of a serendipitous connection, where some random person finds it, reads it, and says something that helps. It also gives me the opportunity to say a thing that I can then send to someone if I can't find the words later.

It's been a lot of years now that I've struggled with depression. Healing always feels just out of reach. Things will start to get better, and then I'll crash down again. Last time I felt deep happiness was 5 years ago, during the first 6 weeks of Ember's life. That time was euphoria. Since then there have been little moments of mild happiness, but it's all muted. It's like there's a plastic film in between me and the happiness, and I can touch it, but I can't actually connect to it. 

The fact that I can feel some is improvement, though. That's a big jump from where I was a few years ago. And I can feel other things deeply. I can be sad. Sadness is nice, sometimes. As long as it's not achy grief, there's relief in it. 

In short, it's getting better, but it's not good yet. And it's been a long time. 

I'm tired.

I've also been having a lot of existential thoughts lately. I'm in the middle of a faith transition, and I kind of wish I'd been writing things down as I learn them and realize them. 

Here are a few bullet points:

* Switching religions, or quitting religion all together, isn't "losing your faith." If you are honestly looking for truth, you're not being lazy or rebellious. If your religion tells you otherwise, it's trying to retain it's numbers, not acting in your best interest.

* You are the one who defines the standards you live by. Not your church. Not any book. If you're an adult, not your parents. You get to be the one who reasons through and prays about moral questions, and comes to the conclusion that makes the most sense to you. Scriptures, church, parents... all of that can be used to inform your choices, but you can reject any - and I do mean any - piece of that that feels wrong to you.

* Life is about learning. Not achieving. Achievement can be a good teacher, but it's not the point. 

I feel like I have a lot left to go. Life is hard right now, not just from all the feelings, but from circumstances as well. And here I am, blogging like it's going to fix something.

Hey, maybe it'll help. Writing always made me feel good.