A Little Update

So, three-ish weeks later... how are we doing?

Honestly, sometimes I forget it's only been three and a half weeks, and somehow I think I should be running at full capacity again. Or, you know, as close to full capacity as I get these days. 

Like all losses, there are good days and bad days. And really, when the bad days come, I'm generally like, "Oh, come on! What is wrong with me today? Why am I so exhausted and sad and..." It's like somehow I think I didn't just lose a baby - a baby that I spent two months very carefully nurturing, worrying for, loving, hoping for, and trying not to lose.

But, here's the thing. When I lost a beautiful future, my right now - my daily routine - got... well... better. That ten week pregnancy was hard, and there were intense sacrifices in my daily life. Everything - major diet changes, nausea, headaches, nightmares, debilitating exhaustion, painful cramping - disappeared. Having all of that stress and weight lifted definitely helped soften the blow, and as I stuffed my face with every piece of previously-forbidden-chocolate I could find, I found myself saying, "I'm glad I'm not pregnant right now." I was never, never glad I wasn't going to have that baby. But I was glad I wasn't enduring the process of growing one.

It was almost scary how quickly I moved from "processing the emotion" to "planning what comes next."

I researched adoption. It's a $30,000 minimum. I've always liked the idea, but realizing it cost an entire year of our family's income, with no guarantee of success, more or less nixed that possibility. 

So now what? 

Two weeks after the miscarriage, I was ready to move on. Ready to try again.

Two weeks and a day after the miscarriage I definitely needed more time.

When I hit that all-important fertile window last week, I was definitely ready to try again.

Today I need more time.

Ha ha, me.

Ha ha.

If last week's enthusiasm creates results, I'm two weeks and five... oh no wait... it's midnight. Two weeks and six days. My due date would be two days after the twins' sixth birthday, and two weeks before Ember's fourth.

Is it too early for symptoms? Because the last two nights have been filled with vivid dreams... always the first symptom I experience. I've cut down on sugar again, and I'm moving back into caring for the maybe-baby, at least for the next week. 

So, when all is said and done, how am I?

I'm worn down, but I'm okay. I don't ache every day anymore, and my bad days are generally just low energy and inexplicable frustration while I forget I'm actually still moving through the grieving process. I really should have given myself more time, but I know I have a much better chance of holding a pregnancy immediately after a miscarriage, and I'm afraid to waste that. 

I'm trying to be happier and say "yes" to the kids more, and to invest more time into playing with them, and teaching them life skills. Things are hard for them too. Mommy has been a little off her game lately, and they can tell. I'm trying to exercise every day, and cook healthy meals, and keep the house clean. I'm trying to teach the twins how to clean their rooms, and keep screen-time at healthy levels. And somewhere in there I'm trying to read scriptures more, write in my journal, and keep my perspective in check. I'm reading the news because this past year has been so historical, and I'm looking to see if anything else apocalyptic has gone down. 

And I'm playing games on my phone - shutting down for a few minutes to push buttons and watch meaningless achievements stack up... that false feeling of accomplishment. Honestly, how do I get anything done when there's false accomplishment to feel? But somehow I do. Last night I tried out my new scrubby-socks and scrubbed the kitchen floor. Today I folded all the laundry, grocery shopped, organized/filed the tax documents that have been sitting on my desk for two weeks, and did all my usual kid-care, including French toast for breakfast. I've exercised 12 of the last 14 days. The house was completely clean as of this morning (though, admittedly, it has a day's worth of kid-chaos all over it right now). 

So I'm fine. Things are still hard sometimes, but I'm okay.