I shall make an official declaration...

In this, the 7th week of my pregnancy, I would like to state definitively that the first trimester is not fun.

At all.

I was hoping I'd be one of those moms who is just so excited to be growing a person that morning sickness is really just a mild annoyance that I deal with happily, and that the little cramps and feelings of fatigue are little more than reminders that my body is working extra hard for the best cause in the universe.

Wow.

So. Naive.

I mean, seriously. I was soooooooo naive.

Okay, first of all, the cramping is fine. I'm used to PCOS period cramps, which frequently rank at 7 on the 1-10 period cramp/contraction pain scale.These pregnancy cramps are like a 1. Maybe a 2, at the absolute most. The cramping reminds me that my baby is growing, and, quite honestly, brings a little smile... then a grimace... then a smile to my face.

And the nausea. Wow, so annoying. It's not crippling yet (honestly, I've just felt uber queasy, and almost puked a few times when hit with smells or brushing my teeth, but I still haven't actually puked), but it's a bit of a pain. I've developed aversions to sugar, which I used to crave to an unhealthy degree. And, yes, I suppose that's good for my body, but there goes all my comfort food. Chocolate sounds like vomit to me, and fruit snacks make me want to hide.

I love food, and this is the hardest part of the nausea. Yesterday, I had a sudden, intense desire for Chinese food, and Carl took me to get Chinese food. It was wonderful... until about 10 bites in. I was kind of surprised I made it 10 whole bites, but then I closed my box, set my fork down, and tried to keep from upchucking the Beijing beef and chow mein.

And then came the emotion. The deep sadness that something I love so much - food in general - is so hard to eat. I've never had to struggle to eat food before, at least not for more than a day or two with the flu. But now I'm always either hungry or nauseated, I can never seem to get enough nourishment without hurting myself, and I'm actually losing weight.

And how does this affect my happiness about being pregnant? Well, I'm still extremely glad that in 7 1/2 months I'll have a baby, but I'm not enjoying the journey quite so much. Still, it's necessary, I knew it was coming, and I'm getting a handle on it, figuring out things to help, and discovering that while ginger beer is a great cure, attempting to be healthier and chopping up ginger root to stick in your water bottle is a terrible idea. It's disgusting, and definitely doesn't help the situation.

But, the nausea is doable. It's not happy, but I can still take time to sit back, run my hand over my still-bump-free tummy, and think about my little fish, who now has arm and leg nubs, and is just a few days away from looking like an alien. 

And then we come to the pinnacle of it all - the fatigue.

So, I have this problem. If I go to bed before 10:30, I have insomnia all night long. It's terrible. So, 10:30 is my earliest possible bed time.

My next problem is that I'm a big grownup with a big grownup job that starts at 8:00 AM, and doesn't stop until 5:00 PM, which is too late for a nap. Despite that fact, I've napped a couple times anyway, and every time I've lived to regret it. So, no naps.

It is quite literally impossible for me to get the sleep my body needs on any day except the weekend.

On top of that, my baby is making its own little blood cells now, and using up all the iron in my blood stream.

I'm not 100% sure anemia is my problem, but I've been weak, shaky, short of breath, dizzy... it feels like low blood sugars, except that eating doesn't fix it. My mom and Dr. Google both seemed to think this was an iron deficiency. (Yes, I am now taking an iron supplement - which my gummy prenatals don't include - as of yesterday.)

And this is what does me in. The cramping is nothing, and the nausea is doable. But the fatigue? The fatigue saps away all my energy, all my enthusiasm, leaves me feeling sick and deathly. I want to be done. I want the second trimester. I want to just skip the whole pregnancy and get straight to the point where I'm holding, snuggling, and kissing a squishy baby with squishy baby lips, without having to go through the misery of pregnancy. More than anything, I just want to be energetic again. I want to have the energy to be enthusiastic about something. I don't really care what - maybe even enthusiastic about the ability to be enthusiastic?

So, for all moms, moms-to-be, and future moms-to-be, just know, don't ever, ever, ever feel bad if you don't like being pregnant during the first trimester. It's the most crucial point in development for your baby, which means it takes the most out of you, and does. it. ever.

I stand proudly, and boldly declare:

This first trimester thing sucks and I don't like it.