What an epic night...

Every now and then I like to blog about my subconscious's latest escapades while I sleep.  This last one was too weird not to record somewhere.

So, last night I was wandering around the church building where I attended church from the ages 9-18... or 19.  Can't remember how old I was.  Anyway, it was night, and totally dark, and there were these "demons" running around that actually looked like the creatures from the movie Bridge to Terabithia, and were really gross.  I discovered that you could slay the demons by getting them wet or burning them, so I went looking for them to try to rid the world of them.

That part was quite creepy.  There was this woman with demons in her minivan, and she looked like she was purely enjoying having them around.

Then I ran into one of the guys I work with.  I told him, "Man!  What's with all these demons?"  And he was like, "I know, right?"  And we talked about it for a bit.  Then he walked away, stopped, turned around and said, "By the way..." and morphed into a demon right there.  I was like, "Ooooooh, shoot..."

Then I was upstairs on some balcony thing that doesn't exist in real life, and there were demons all over the place with Harry Potter wands.  I whipped out my own wand and tried to cast some spells!  Unfortunately, I could only remember like 2 of them, and they weren't working very well.  But, never fear!  My wand had a button on it that shot water!  So, I walked around shooting water on people who were actually demons.

I passed the guy I worked with again.  I said, "Sorry, Tyler," and blasted his face with water.  As he was shriveling up he said, "That's okay.  I deserve it."

And yes, I felt kinda bad for killing him.  And then all the demons started running away, and I noticed there were two that looked like Michael Jackson.

Then, everything was suddenly daytime!  This guy came in and chewed me out for killing the demons, because apparently when you kill them the way I'd been killing them, they reproduce... like Hydra... but not exactly like hydra because they only triple instead of septipling (yes, that's a word.  I just added it to my personal dictionary.  Eat that, Scrabble).  You can only defeat demons using karate.

We knew there was a war coming!  It was going to be bad!  But then the ninja turtles came running in, complete with slow motion and cheesy music, led by that rat thing that trains them.  Except, these were "ninja turtle baby" plush toys, and there were only three of them.  But that's okay.  Baby ninja turtles grow up into BIG ninja turtle plush toys.

And that was the end of my dream.

But wait!  That was only my FIRST dream!

The second dream was a little shorter.  You know how in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, there's that black night that won't let anybody pass?  Well, in my dream, there was a bleach-blond beach bum guy who wouldn't let anybody pass this little shack on the road unless they fought and defeated him first.

Person after person got their butt kicked.  We all agreed he was a real jerk.  Finally, I stepped up to the challenge.

I stuffed him in one of those gallon and a quart ice cream buckets and started banging him against the windows, being sure to shatter the windows of his shack while I was at it.

With every bang, I yelled at him. 

"WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE - bang! - BLOCKING PEOPLE'S PATHS - bang! - LIKE THAT?  WHAT GIVE YOU - bang! - THE RIGHT TO BE SUCH - bang! - A  - bang! - JERK - bang! - TO EVERYBODY YOU MEET?"
etc. etc. etc.

As I was thwacking him against the windows, I had this random, mildly sexist thought that only a woman would chew him out while beating him up.

Then, I flung him out the window and into the tops of the trees.  The bucket fell down, followed by a shower of cuts of meat.

I realized I'd killed him.

Oops.

My little brother looked through one of the shack windows and said, "You'll be getting an invoice for that."

A fax machine in the corner beeped and printed out an invoice that said, "You have purchased one beach bum.  Would you like to return this product?"

You think?

And that was that dream.

It's not just my conscious self.  Even my subconscious is weird.