I may have mentioned - barely... in passing - that I now teach primary for the 4 year olds at church.
So, 8 weeks into it, how's it going?
If you'd asked me last week, I would have said, "Great!" and then told you all about the great lesson we had where they all gathered around me, and I told them the story of Nephi getting the brass plates during a harrowing escape from Jerusalem. Their eyes were wide as I told them about Laban stealing their stuff and sending bad guys to chase them down and kill them, and they were enthralled with the victory as Nephi fooled Zoram into thinking he was Laban and got the plates from him.
In short, it was a really great lesson.
Yesterday, I was feeling pretty optimistic about the whole thing. Not only had last week gone so well, but I didn't have to teach! It was my co-teacher, Jenna's, turn to handle the lesson. My job was crowd control, which is really pretty easy when you only have 4 or 5 kids, and 2 teachers.
So, I walked into primary, and Jenna wasn't there yet. No problem. I beat her to class last time as well. I sat down next to The Angel Miriam - the perfect child. I swear, I have never seen her be anything less than perfect. Always peaceful, always taking the lesson seriously, she is the absolute model of good behavior in church.
Calvinosaurus Rex came in next. I adore Calvin. He's open and loving, and more than happy to be your friend... but he can be a bit rambunctious. He doesn't typically lead mayhem, but if it's happening around him, he'll join in with enthusiasm. He loves to roar at me... and anyone else who will grow wide eyes and act terrified of the dinosaur that could potentially eat their face.
I was still optimistic. Jenna hadn't shown yet, but things were starting, and it looked like I was just going to have 2 kids - the easiest 2. Oh... but then came Sir William McSquirmypants.
Sir William McSquirmypants not only has attitude, but he has an attention span much shorter than the average 4 year old. As the average 4 year old has an attention spam roughly as long as a goldfish's memory, this indicates that Sir William's doesn't last much more than the time it takes his brain to register that there is a teacher in the room... I mean a chair... I mean a shoe... which is on his head... which is upside down as he sits with his back on the bottom of the aforementioned chair... which is now on top of him like a turtle shell.
Okay, so McSquirmypants would make things a little tougher... where was Jenna, anyway? She'd better show up. I did have my lesson manual with me, but I hadn't even looked at it. I didn't know what we were supposed to be teaching.
And in walked Kenley.
Kenley is sweet.
Kenley is loving.
Kenley wants to be your friend.
Kenley it the catalyst of all chaos and the leader of small maniacs.
Her parents are divorced, and so she rarely comes to church in our ward. In the 8 weeks that I've been there, this was only the second time I'd had her in class. The first time she had monopolized all of my attention, which seemed to be the only way to keep her from setting the other kids off.
I gulped.
As soon as she walked in, it took ALL of my strength to keep her, Will, and Calvin in their seats. Kenley and Will had a full-scale battle over who got to sit in the big chair, and then she and Calvin took turns poking each other.
If they had been willing to do it a little more quietly, I wouldn't have tried so hard - a little poking never hurt anyone, and they were doing it happily. But, unfortunately, quiet was not an option for any of them, and the poor primary president was trying to teach everyone a lesson. It was a very loud affair, and try as I might, I couldn't get both of them, and Will, to all be quiet at the same time.
And then help came!
It was only a temporary fix, and I knew it - it would evaporate as soon as we split for class. But, well... it was one of those ladies.
You know the type. Eyebrows pinched into a permanent glare. Hair up so tight you wonder how she manages to get her eyes to glare at all when they should be bugging out. She's the kind I swore I would never be.
Yes, the mean librarian lady. The kind whose very presence causes children to whimper in terror.
And whimper quietly.
She sat by Sir William McSquirmypants. She didn't even say anything, and he spent the rest of primary sitting stock still in his chair, rivaling Miriam for good behavior. Calvin turned around and quit making faces at the children behind him, and only Kenley seemed unaffected by the aura of strict that permeated our row.
Kenley by herself I could handle. I kept her distracted, letting her whisper to me about her birthday party, and occasionally offering a "shhhh," when the birthday plans gained a little more volume than was appropriate.
But then we split up for class. I detoured into Priesthood class to grab Carl and enlist his help. He came with me right away, and it began.
The lesson was another Book of Mormon story - Nephi building a boat to get to the promised land. Right. Easy enough. We could just do what we did last week. I had my scripture stories book, and I could tell them all about how his brothers made fun of him and wouldn't help him, and how Heavenly Father... Kenley!
She tackled Calvin to the ground, and thwacked her head against one of the chairs. There weren't many tears, and a kiss to the injured head seemed to make it better, and all four kids were happy again.
And then Kenley screamed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA..."
She wasn't hurt.
She wasn't angry.
She wasn't experiencing any negative emotion at all.
No, she was just experiencing the utter euphoria that apparently comes when one's voice box emits something at 327 decibels.
And, of course, all my attempts to silence her just made it all the more fun.
Meaning I was soon trying to quiet THREE screaming children.
Miriam sat there, looking like she wanted to join the game, but a single glance at me made it very clear that this was not what a good girl would do. And so, she sat quietly and watched, a hint of a smile on her lips.
Carl and I tried everything. We tried talking over them. We tried shouting over them. We tried ignoring the noise and giving the lesson anyway. We tried that hissing, "Shhhhhhhhh" noise. We tried the, "You won't get to do the activity if you don't stop," threat, which was a totally empty threat, since the activity would distract them, but I was desperate, and nothing worked.
The door opened.
The screaming stopped.
A blonde lady poked her head in, looking really annoyed. "Excuse me, but we are trying to have the sacrament in our ward. Could you please keep your class a little more reverent?"
I snapped.
I whirled on her. "I AM TRYING!"
She turned to the kids, and in a voice absolutely soaked in honey, she said, "Alright, little ones. I know you can be good and reverent. You're all good children and can feel Heavenly Father's Spirit."
Then, satisfied that her loving kindness had solved what my clear inability to discipline those children could not, she stepped out and closed the door with a click.
*click!*
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA..."
I looked over at Carl. He looked back, as helpless as I was.
And it was too late.
I'd already snapped.
I jumped to my feet, shooting lasers, mustard gas, and rattlesnakes out of my eyes.
"THAT IS ENOUGH!!!"
The screaming died.
"I kid you not, the next one of you to let out a scream will go straight to their parents, and believe you me when I say your parents will not be happy about this."
Kenley peeped.
I whirled on her. "I am not kidding, Kenley. Now, all of you sit down, be quiet, and listen. to. the. lesson!"
Kenley folded her arms. "I don't wanna listen to the lesson!"
"Fine!" I snarled. "I don't care what you do. I'm going to give this lesson to Miriam, who is being good, and if you don't want to listen, then that's just fine. Just be quiet."
"I don't wanna listen to the lesson!"
"Yes, you said that."
"I don't wanna listen to the lesson! I don't wanna listen to the lesson! I don't wanna..."
As she jumped off her chair, chanting her new battle song, Will and Calvin joined in. In less than five seconds it was a cacophony of, "I don't wanna listen to the lesson!" while three kids climbed on the chairs and dramatically stuck their noses in the corners in protest.
And that was where the tiniest remaining shred of dignity I had turned tail and fled.
I bawled.
Carl took over giving Miriam the lesson, until Will threatened to pee his pants if we didn't take a bathroom break. As Carl left with Will, I had pretty much regained control of myself.
Then Calvin... sweet, loving Calvin... came up and, in a soft voice asked, "Are you crying?"
No use denying it. I was clearly leaking mascara all over my face. "Yes," I answered in a tight voice.
"Why are you crying?" Kenley asked, bouncing across the chairs.
I broke down sobbing again. "BECAUSE YOU GUYS ARE BEING MEAN TO ME!!!"
And oh! I hope the little demons felt guilt.
When Carl came back, we picked jobs. If it came down to it, he would stay with the rest of the class, and I would go in search of parents.
10 seconds later...
"Alright, Kenley, let's go. I'm taking you to your grandparents." (Her dad was out sick for the day.)
I took her by the hand, to much protesting, and went in search of someone who could tell me who she belonged to.
"I don't wanna go to Nana," she said in the most contrite voice ever.
Too late for that, kiddo. Way too late.
One of the primary presidency helped me find her grandma, who was quite tender with her as she burst out sobbing. That eased my guilt a little, so I thanked the grandma profusely, and headed back to class.
I walked in to find Carl directing the three remaining children as they quietly colored pictures of Nephi's boat.
And the last ten minutes of class were a peaceful haven. I came home, flopped onto my bed, and saw my cell phone... which I had left on my nightstand. Upon checking it, I discovered a text from my co-teacher.
"Hey, sorry! I got called into work at the last minute!"
So, yes. 8 weeks in... THAT'S how it's going.
In other news, I discovered a long, grey hair on the top of my head this morning.
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