Why must my maintenance request only be 300 characters or less? Seriously! My maintenance requests have personality! They can't be contained in 300 characters.
I mean come on. When your toilet breaks, you can't just say, "Toilet broke. Come fix." You have to make sure certain standards are met.
First and foremost, you must specify that there are to be NO plumber's cracks. None. Zilch. Nada. Sorry, Mr. Plumber, I don't care how sexy you think your smelly crack is, we don't need to be seein' that here.
Also, the seriousness of the situation needs to be portrayed by the maintenance request. I recommend treating it as though you are in the middle of hostile warfare, and don't ask for maintenance. Ask for "reinforcements." Present your toilet as a viscious revolutionary that needs to be suppressed.
In case the maintenance man is feeling the urge to dawdle, you also must include a description of the consequences if your request is not granted in a timely manner:
"Dear Apartment Manager,
My toilet is broken. I was going to use the sink, but I really don't want to have that in my apartment. Therefore, I'm left with no choice but to go use the washing machines in the laundry room. That's as close to a flusher as we've got. However, seeing as it costs a minimum of 2 1/2 dollars for ONE load of laundry, I can't afford to sacrifice any of my precious quarters, so I'll just leave it there until you come flush it.
Love,
Me."
All of this is crucially important information for the maintenance man and/or apartment manager, but there's that 300 character limit! Why? Are they trying to limit themselves? What do they hope to gain by suppressing our ability to describe the problem?
Clearly, plausible deniability.
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