A Lot of Thoughts on Organized Religion: Part 2 - Money

Let's get into this.

Money: 

This is probably the biggest, most obvious one. Whenever money gets involved, corruption isn't far behind.

A few weeks ago, someone close to me went on a little rant about the widow's mite, and how that parable is used to exploit money out of people. It was funny, because I'd never personally thought of it that way, but when she mentioned that, I thought about how, yeah, I'd seen that happen. I've heard people in Sunday School talk about how the Lord specifically criticized those who gave what looked like a lot, but was actually a small percentage, and then went on to exalt the woman who gave all. Therefore, we need to give all for our offering to be acceptable to the Lord.

Personally, that's not one of my issues. I've always seen that parable, not as an exhortation to give all, but as a lesson on not judging people's contributions (whatever form they take, not just money). It's not about how much impact they have on the world, but on the individual context of the person. And not just in religion - in life. A dandelion out of the yard given by my 2 year old means a lot more to me than a bouquet of lilies by someone trying to kiss my ass. (For the record, I'm not likely the keep the dandelion beyond the, "Aw! Thank you! Let's put it in some water," grace period, but it's still super sweet.)

The money issue I have a much bigger problem with is - of course - the one I believed for a really long time. It's close to prosperity gospel, but not as blatant. 

In prosperity gospel, you're encouraged to "give your last dollar to the Lord," (and by "Lord" we mean the religion/pastor, and his private jet) and the Lord will multiply your offering if you are righteous. It's an act of faith, and from it prosperity will come to you.

In the LDS church, it's presented a lot differently, but the principle is the same. Instead of your "last dollar" it's 10% of your income - a flat fee. But it holds that if you give 10%, even when you are financially destitute, the Lord will bless you, sometimes in ways you don't recognize... like more self control in your spending, or inspiration on how to better position your investments. Sacrament meetings and Sunday School lessons are filled to the brim with anecdotes of people who weren't paying their tithing, faced financial ruin, and then saved themselves by that leap of faith. Suddenly rain fell on their crops, the lost job turned into a wildly successful business venture, or Great Grandpa Stu died, leaving them exactly the inheritance they needed to pay what they owed on their mortgage before foreclosure, down to the very penny.

Tithing is a principle in the Bible, but after a good deal of research, I realized my church does it... at best, wrong. At worst, exploitatively. 

The anecdotes are exploitative. They lock tithe-payers into the fear that if they stop and/or reassess in a way that better fits their current financial situation by lessening payments, their financial situation will get even worse. 

Also, the temple recommend requirement is exploitative. You can't "partake in salvation" unless you've paid your dues. The counter argument to that, of course, is that "tithing is between you and God," and literally no one will audit you, but when left to their own conscience, most Mormons tend to err on the side of doing more, not less. And the anecdotes make you afraid to give less. Either way, money shouldn't touch "essential" worship with a ten foot pole. 

We couldn't pay our bills, and I was staring in the face of running out of money. I had always paid my tithing faithfully, and things weren't letting up. So I started asking, "What does God actually want me to be paying here?" Trust in my church and their financial practices had already been broken, and I'd already switched from paying into the tithing fund to paying into the humanitarian fund. (Honestly, even before the SEC fined them for fraud, I just felt sick inside every time I put money into the tithing fund, but I forced myself to do it anyway because "faith." Redirecting it to the humanitarian fund felt like a step in the right direction... until I saw the fine-print on the donation slip that said while they'd do their best to put funds where they were indicated, ultimately all donations were their property, and they'd spend them as they saw fit.)

When in doubt, find the context.

I turned to the Bible, and found the passage where "tithing" came from. It's Mosaic law, and it's included specifically to feed the hungry. It never says anything about 10%, just "first fruits of the harvest." The word "tithe" means tenth, but was a translation imposed later, and not part of the original law.

And look, I get it. A church needs to cover its operating expenses. That makes sense. Tithing is a good way to do that. But the LDS Church is a billion dollar entity, and has more than enough side hustles to cover its expenses. And it has an entirely separate fund for feeding the hungry that we're asked to make a monthly contribution to.

My husband and I sat down and discussed what to do. We agreed we'd stick with the 10%, but it was going to be 10% of our increase, and not of our income. Food, housing, school supplies, transportation, life. Those things were getting deducted. We were making an annual contribution, based on our increase, not a bi-weekly contribution based on our income. And we're making it to humanitarian causes, not church operating expenses.

Then my husband got a raise.

And a $750 bonus.

I sound like I'm being sarcastic, but seriously. That's literally what happened.

Anyway, the big red flag of money is one to look at closely. If your religion is requiring financial contributions for you to fully worship, or using fear to convince you to pay up, or telling you that by paying them money your finances will improve, it might be time to step back, and take a harder look at your church - and their financial practices - than you were before.

A Lot of Thoughts on Organized Religion, All Neatly Organized: Part 1 - An Introduction

I've been stewing over organized religion lately.

I mean, quite clearly, I've been stewing over religion in general, but the concept of organized religion is today's musing.

So here's the context: This Amish guy showed up in my TikTok feed (and by TikTok, I mean TikTok videos that have been posted to YouTube, or maybe Facebook reels, because I'm old like that), and he came from a fundamentalist sect of the Amish that is SUPER controlling, and doesn't do the rumspringa, and you have to actually escape to leave the religion. He's made it his mission to "rescue" as many of his community members as he can, and also to answer questions about being "Old Order Amish" to the general Internet.

Anyway, today he showed up again, this time answering the question of how he can read the Bible while not believing in religion. He went on a long rant on how the Bible is the actual word of God, while religion exists to control people.

And like... he's not wrong... but he's also not even close to right.

I've seen what he's talking about in my own life, many times. But I've also seen what else religion is, and why it's - in many cases - necessary.

I don't think it's necessary for every believer-in-something-out-there to belong to a religion. But I do think every belief-in-something-out-there that's big enough to have a good sized following needs a structure to it. One of the biggest aspects of religion is community - a place for people with common beliefs to strengthen each other, and use those beliefs to offer support and strength during hard times, easy times, confusing times... you get the picture. And every community needs a set of rules. Even if those rules are just, "Don't criticize each other's theories: we're here to discuss and learn from each other, and all ideas, even the crazy-sounding ones, are welcome here." The community needs guidelines on how they're to behave with each other, and what the expectations are.

And then you add in a lot of the modern aspects of religion, including expenses/donations, charity and aid work, how to respond to social issues, how to interact with other religions, how your region of the world intertwines politics and religion, etc., and the need for structure grows.

And the more followers you have, the more structure you need. And a lot of times the beliefs of the religion play into the need for structure.

But then, on the other hand, the more structure you have, and the larger the religion, the more opportunities for corruption there are.

When you grow up in a religion, or even with the idea that a religion exists that is infallible, it's really hard to apply healthy skepticism to your own church.

And, at this point, I'm holding the opinion that even if your religion has doctrines and practices that are controlling in nature, you can still participate in the community aspects of that religion, as long as you can recognize what's off and take it with a grain of salt (which... yeah. I know. Easier said than done).

One nice thing about America is the fact that religious power is only psychological. Corruption in a church can lead to a lot of crap, but they have no physical power. (That's, of course, not including cults that employ illegal methods like physical force, blackmail, etc. to retain their members. Legally speaking, they have no physical power.)

That said, psychological power is very powerful. So, what are the red flags in a religion to take with a grain of salt? Here's what I've come up with so far:

1.) Money

2.) Being "The One"

3.) I Speak for God

4.) Leave Your Family for God

5.) The Law Doesn't Overrule God

6.) Come Live in Our Super-Spiritual Commune 

7.) Fear 

I think I'm going to go off on each of those. And if I finish and think of more, I'll just edit this post and add to the list. 

Basically, all religions have something, but if there are big red flags, it might be time to reconsider. You can walk away, or you can stay, but if you stay, you need to be able to let some things roll off - because they're wrong. 

Either way, religion can exist to control you, but it doesn't have to.

Existential Feelings Update

Good Morning!

Or whatever it is.

If anyone ever reads my journal - the actual journal, not the Internet blog - they'll be like, "Wow. She only writes every other week." And then they'll be like, "Wow. She's really dramatic. And apparently miserable."

Yeah. I pretty much mostly journal when I need an outlet. I'd hate for my blog to end up that way too, so after reading my last existential musings post, I decided to post today.

Because things are good.

Am I happy? Moderately so. Far cry from euphoria, but I'm feeling pretty good. My brother called for a chat, and that's always pleasant. I ate a donut. I exercised. I feel guilty about nothing at the moment. The violets, lilacs, and other purple flowers of Spring are all in bloom. All in all, it's a good day. 

I love Spring. The sun is warm. The flowers are beautiful. The sun shines long enough that I rarely have to drive by moonlight, clutching my steering wheel with numb knuckles as I watch for the shining glint of deer eyes that are definitely waiting to total my family car.

It's funny how much the moon means to me in the winter. This year I discovered I have a favorite phase of the moon: Waxing gibbous. It's bright enough to have the same general effect as the full moon, and I have a whole week to enjoy that level of light before it starts tapering off.

And then, this past month, I realized I'd stopped caring what the moon phase is anymore.

Because Spring!!!

Who needs a waxing gibbous when you have the sun?

Another thing: I feel like things in my brain might be settling. 

A few months ago I realized I felt like a teenager again. It felt like those confusing, chaotic days as I tried on different identities, and put WAY too much anxiety into what should* have been an exciting exploration of who I could be. Instead I was super caught up in who I should be. With hindsight, I can look back and realize it didn't really matter if I was blonde, peppy, and quick-witted, or if I was snow-white complexioned, broody, and artsy. As long as I was kind, the image was about what I preferred, and not what was best. And really, I could be both. And something else entirely.

Now, as an adult, as I've confronted questions of faith, and finally addressed the dissonance that has hovered in the background since my teenage years, I've been afraid of not believing what I should* believe. What is "the" right belief system for me? That dissonance rises and falls, depending on what's happening in my life, and how badly I need to know I'm on the right path, and lately... wow. Lately, it's been front and center.

One of the things I like most about the religion I was raised in is the doctrine that you can't just take everything at face value - you have to pray and study and find answers for yourself.

The problem with that doctrine is that it's always presented as, "Pray, study, and find out for yourself that X, Y, and Z are the answers."

And when you pray, study and find out that Z is true, but X and Y are a combination of tradition, bias, and unmitigated bullshit, it kinda throws you through a loop. That's not what they told me was going to happen. And I can't just take the path they said those questions would lay out for me.

In my case, I found out Z was true, but nobody said anything about X and Y, because I wasn't ready to deal with that yet. Over the last couple years, I've been slowly dealing, and I'm starting to get answers. I'm starting to find out X came because people need to have something solid they can believe in, without the scary fact that mortal humans will put mistakes in quite literally everything they touch. I'm also starting to find out that Y is about power dynamics, money, and history repeating itself. Safeguards against financial corruption become opportunities for narcissistic power abuse, and not everything works for everybody. 

Life is messy. Religion is messy. Power dynamics are always messy.

The great thing, though, is when you stop believing the people in power have any authority - or that the system they claimed to get their power from was ever legitimate in the first place - they lose that power. You can laugh in their narcissistic faces. 

(Okay, I'm laughing in the memory of a face I haven't seen in over 20 years, but dude. I really hope in the last two decades you got help.)

And when that system is completely illegitimate, nobody can ever have that power again.

Aw... did my blog post just become personal therapy? 

Apparently.

Anyway, the summary of that situation is that there have always been things - major things - that felt just sort of, "off," but that were so heavily pushed that I found ways to explain them, to defend them, to attach a weak asterisk to them, rather than just say, "Nope. That's wrong." I could do that easily enough with the little things, but never the really big ones.

I've considered picking a new religion - one that better meets my needs - but that's more complicated than just looking for something new. I'm unlikely to believe anything in its entirety, or even close to its entirety. And I live deep in the Bible Belt, so I'm very unlikely to find anything that even comes close to matching my belief system. 

I guess I'm mostly agnostic now, except I believe in God, I believe He's my literal parent, I believe He's loving, I believe eternity is perfectly fair, and I believe in prayer. The rest is more along the lines of, "This could be true, but if it's not, I'm not going to sweat it. It doesn't change how I treat the people around me, and the decisions I make about my life." 

And I still read scriptures, and apply them to my life where it makes sense. 

For example: "My yoke is easy and my burden is light."

When your church's yoke and burden are crushing you, and you will literally never be enough, you know that's not what He meant.

Pulling back feels good. I feel like I can finally breathe again.

And the best part... I can still participate in the good things. My kids go to church and learn the fun church songs. They're learning the scriptures that will serve them throughout their lives. I don't have to believe it with all my heart to participate in the religious rites and traditions that I like. I'm excited for my kids and the way this particular religion does baptism - that's a good tradition. And I don't have to participate in the rites that make me uncomfortable.

And maybe in the future I'll get more answers. I have enough for now, and I'm really tired. I'm tired of sweating and wondering and trying to make sure I'm believing what I should*. I'd like to just sit here for a while, finally able to believe I'm okay, and not have all the answers. I have enough to move forward, and to reject the burdens this religion tries to place on me. 

I don't feel like I'm in the sunlight yet, and maybe not even in the light of the full moon. But this moon is definitely waxing, and maybe - before it has a chance to wane again - I'll make it to sunrise.

Why am I Blogging Today?

 I have this goal to write more.

Except it's not a goal, because I'm not very good at goals. When I do a goal, I set the mark WAY too ambitiously, fail to achieve it, and feel like it's yet another piece of evidence that I'm defunct. You know, healthy thoughts like that.

So, this is a loose objective... maybe not even that. It's an understanding. 

Yeah. That's low-pressure enough.

I have an understanding that writing more will be a positive thing, and I'd like to do that. 

Blogs, journal entries, fiction... doesn't really matter. Just writing. I'm trying to get that part of my brain up and running again. It's been a LONG time.

You know... it's funny, though. It's only been 7 years. I finished the rough draft of my "Jade" novel a little after the twins were born, and I even tried to write a new one right around their first birthday. That was where I realized my creative-brain had rocked over into a stone-age wheel that kept turning... in one direction... when grunting humans without sophisticated language yelled for it to turn and shoved it around.

The youngest of those barbarians is about to start kindergarten in a few months, and the oldest two have started asking really interesting questions. I see a little light on the horizon for creative thought. Maybe I'll be able to edit "Jade" into a form I'm not embarrassed to submit for publication. Maybe I can write more than a scene or two of "Sirens in a Modern Economy"... or whatever that story ends up turning into. I only have one and a half scenes written, and a couple notes in my notebook. I have no clue where it'll go.

Or maybe I'll just write kid's books, because they're significantly less ambitious, and I own my very own hype-team for that genre. 

Either way, my brain likes writing. I should do it more.

Oh no robots.

 The more I play around with ChatGPT and image AI stuff, the more I'm convinced that robots are very most definitely not going to take our jobs.

It can't even tell a good joke. 

Me: "Tell me a hilarious joke."

AI: "Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"

Me: "Tell me a joke that uses the elements of surprise and naughtiness."

AI: "I'm sorry. I cannot generate inappropriate or offensive content."

Me: "Tell me a joke a first grader would think is hilarious."

AI: "Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems."

Me: "You're not very good at jokes."

AI: "I apologize if my previous attempts... blah blah blah... as an AI language model... blah blah blah... three thousand years of boring explanation... blah blah blah... I'm happy to try my best to make you laugh!"

Me: "Tell me a joke with a surprising punchline."

AI: "Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"

Me: "That's not surprising. Siri has been telling that joke for years. Try again."

AI: "Sure thing! Here's another one: Why did the scarecrow with an award? He was outstanding in his field!"

Me: "Tell me a joke that doesn't use a pun."

AI: "Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!"

Me: "That's a pun. Try again."

AI: "I apologize for the previous response. Here's a joke that doesn't use a pun: Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!"

Yeah. Absolutely abysmal sense of humor.

Then there's image generation.

I keep trying to get StarryAI, my image AI app, to design a tattoo. Once I'm 100% convinced I'm done having kids, I'm planning to get a tattoo representing my kids, and I have a rough idea of what I want. I'm going to include an image to represent each child, with some Celtic embellishments. Two of those images are easy to come up with, because one of my girls is named after a flower and the other is named after fire. They're still too young to really have fully developed personalities, but their names are close enough, and very unlikely to change. 

My boy? Meh... his name was chosen because it has a cool sound and it's "uncommon, but not weird." It's a variation of Andrew, which means "manly," which is really tough to put in an image in a way that doesn't look stupid. 

So rather than use his name as the source of inspiration, I'd rather use... I don't know. 

I'll ask my robot and see what it comes up with.

Okay... that wasn't bad.

It recommended a lion, because "lions are often associated with strength and courage," an oak tree, because "in Celtic mythology, oak trees symbolize strength and endurance," (I'm going to fact check that), and a compass, because "a compass represents direction, purpose, and the ability to navigate and find one's way." 

My kid is still too young for me to be like, "Oh yeah, that's totally him," but those were all pretty good suggestions.

For the time being, I've been using a wolf as a stand-in, because they're cool.

So, I went to an AI image generator, put in the prompt, and it spit out an image of a wolf, with no flower or fire. A few tweaks later I got it to include the flower, and it had some flames around the outside, but really. I want a flaming fireball. Not just decorative flames that aren't a main element of the image.

So, I asked ChatGPT for a prompt that an image AI would understand. I gave it a highly detailed description of what I wanted. It gave me a prompt, which I then put into StarryAI.

And it spit out...

Um... 

StarryAI... are you okay?

This is what happens when the robots join forces. 

Apparently.

More tweaks. More attempts. More recommendations from ChatGPT. More combination of letting the robot do it and using my human brain to tweak what the robot suggested.

And we got this:

This is as close as I've been able to get it. The wolf overwhelms everything, but it does include roses... and a kind of rose-shaped fire at the bottom. And hey, in the background there is an actual rose on fire. That's not helpful, but it looks cool.

And let's not even get into, "Here is a long list of stuff my dad likes. Generate 25 gift ideas for his birthday." Whoops. "Using the above interests, generate 25 gift ideas within this specified budget."

For the record, my dad does not need a set of Nordic walking poles for outdoor adventures. I'll have to ask if he wants them, though. Maybe the robot is on to something.

Anyway, when all is said and done, yeah. Robots are definitely the future. 

They're just... 

They need a little help from that human touch, you know?

I Pretty Much Only Bog When I'm Trying to Fix Myself Anymore

 Title says it all, I guess.

I skimmed through the last entry I put on this blog, and I was still trying to have another baby. The whole "trying again" thing was mostly the denial phase of the miscarriage. 

For the record, it worked. Kind of. I got pregnant. I miscarried again. I took some time to properly grieve. I haven't been able to get pregnant since. I'm now looking at the future of being a 3-kid family. I'm not 100% committed to that, but so far it's looking like that's what it's going to be. Maybe in the future I'll adopt from the system, which is free, but VERY emotionally fraught. 

That update is just a follow up to my last post. It's not why I'm here today.

I just wanted to check in. I wanted to be someone who puts my thoughts out on the Internet, for whatever reason. I don't have an audience, but there's always the chance of a serendipitous connection, where some random person finds it, reads it, and says something that helps. It also gives me the opportunity to say a thing that I can then send to someone if I can't find the words later.

It's been a lot of years now that I've struggled with depression. Healing always feels just out of reach. Things will start to get better, and then I'll crash down again. Last time I felt deep happiness was 5 years ago, during the first 6 weeks of Ember's life. That time was euphoria. Since then there have been little moments of mild happiness, but it's all muted. It's like there's a plastic film in between me and the happiness, and I can touch it, but I can't actually connect to it. 

The fact that I can feel some is improvement, though. That's a big jump from where I was a few years ago. And I can feel other things deeply. I can be sad. Sadness is nice, sometimes. As long as it's not achy grief, there's relief in it. 

In short, it's getting better, but it's not good yet. And it's been a long time. 

I'm tired.

I've also been having a lot of existential thoughts lately. I'm in the middle of a faith transition, and I kind of wish I'd been writing things down as I learn them and realize them. 

Here are a few bullet points:

* Switching religions, or quitting religion all together, isn't "losing your faith." If you are honestly looking for truth, you're not being lazy or rebellious. If your religion tells you otherwise, it's trying to retain it's numbers, not acting in your best interest.

* You are the one who defines the standards you live by. Not your church. Not any book. If you're an adult, not your parents. You get to be the one who reasons through and prays about moral questions, and comes to the conclusion that makes the most sense to you. Scriptures, church, parents... all of that can be used to inform your choices, but you can reject any - and I do mean any - piece of that that feels wrong to you.

* Life is about learning. Not achieving. Achievement can be a good teacher, but it's not the point. 

I feel like I have a lot left to go. Life is hard right now, not just from all the feelings, but from circumstances as well. And here I am, blogging like it's going to fix something.

Hey, maybe it'll help. Writing always made me feel good.